chaptertwenty-one
igapeatthetextthenlookupatthesleepingformofmyhusband.he’sbeen
outuntilonethirtyinthemorningdrinking—withher!hesnoressoftly,
sleepingthesleepofaseeminglyinnocent,obliviousdrunk.helooksso
serene.ohno,no,no.
mylegsturntojelly,andisinkslowlytothechairbesidethebedindisbelief.
raw,bitter,humiliatingbetrayallancesthroughme.howcouldhe?how
couldhegotoher?scalding,angrytearsoozedownmycheeks.hiswrath
andfear,hisneedtolashoutatmeicanunderstand,andforgive—just.but
this...thistreacheryistoomuch.ipullmykneesupagainstmychestand
wrapmyarmsaroundthem,protectingmeandprotectingmylittleblip.i
rocktoandfro,weepingsoftly.whatdidiexpect?imarriedthismantoo
quickly.iknewit—iknewitwouldcometothis.why.why.why?howcould
hedothistome?heknowshowifeelaboutthatwoman.howcouldheturn
toher?
how?theknifetwistsslowandpainfullydeepinmyheart,laceratingme.
willitalwaysbethisway?
thetearsflow,andhisprostratefigureblursandshimmersthroughmytears.
oh,christian.imarriedhimbecauseilovehim,anddeepdowniknowthat
helovesme.iknowhedoes.hisachinglysweetbirthdaypresentcomesto
mind.
forallourfirstsonyourfirstbirthdayasmybelovedwife.iloveyou.cx
no,no,no—ican’tbelievethatitwillalwaysbethisway,twostepsforward
andthreestepsback.butthat’showit’salwaysbeenwithhim.aftereach
setback,wemoveforward,inchbyinch.hewillcomearound...hewill.but
willi?willirecoverfromthis…fromthistreachery?ithinkabouthowhe’s
beenthislast,horrible,wonderfulweekend.hisquietstrengthwhilemy
stepdadlaybrokenandcomatoseintheicu...mysurpriseparty,bringing
myfamilyandfriendstogether...dippingmedownlowoutsidethe
heathmanandkissingmeinfullpublicview.oh,christian,youstrainallmy
trust,allmy395|page
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faith...andiloveyou.
butit’snotjustmenow.iplacemyhandonmybelly.no,iwillnotlethimdo
thistomeandourblip.dr.flynnsaidishouldgivehimthebenefitofthe
doub一t—well,notthistime.idashthetearsfrommyeyesandwipemynose
withthebackofmyhand.
christianstirsandrollsover,pullinghislegsupfromthesideofthebed,and
curlsupbeneaththeduvet.hestretchesoutahandasifsearchingfor
something,thengrumblesandfrownsbutsettlesbacktosleep,hisarm
outstretched.
oh,fifty.whatamigoingtodowithyou?andwhatthehellwereyoudoing
withthebitchtroll?ineedtoknow.iglanceoncemoreattheoffendingtext
andquicklyhatchaplan.takingadeepbreath,iforwardthetexttomy
blackberry.steponecomplete.iquicklychecktheotherrecenttexts,butcan
onlyseemessagesfromelliot,andrea,taylor,ros,andme.nonefrom
elena.good,ithink.iexitthetextscreen,relievedthathehasn’tbeentexting
her,andmyheartlurchesintomythroat.ohmy.thewallpaperonhisphone
isphotographuponphotographofme,apatchworkoftinyanastasiasin
variousposes—ourhoneymoon,ourrecentweekendsailingandsoaring,
andafewofjosé’sphotos,too.whendidhedothis?itmustha一vebeen
recently.
inoticehise-mailicon,andanideaslithersenticinglyintomymind...i
couldreadchristian’se-mails.seeifhe’sbeentalkingtoher.shouldi?
sheathedinjade-greensilk,myinnergoddessnodsemphatically,hermouth
setinascowl.beforeicanstopmyself,iinvadehisprivacy.
therearehundredsandhundredsofe-mails.ispindownthroughthem,and
theylookdullasditchwater...mostlyfromros,andreaandme,andvarious
executivesinhiscompany.nonefrombitchtroll.whilei’matit,i’mrelieved
toseetherearenonefromleilaeither.onee-mailcatchesmyeye.it’sfrom
barneysullivan,christian’sitguy,andthesubjectlineis:jackhyde.i
glanceguiltilyatchristian,buthe’sstillsnoringgently.i’veneverheardhim
snore.iopentheemail.
from:barneysullivan
396|page
eljames
subject:jackhyde
date:september13,201114:09
to:christiangrey
cctvaroundseattletracksthewhitevanfromsouthirvingstreet.before
thaticanfindnotracesohydemustha一vebeenbasedinthatarea.
aswelchhastoldyoutheunsubcarwasrentedwithafalselicensebyan
unknownfemale,nothingthattiesuptothesouthirvingstreetarea.
detailsofknowngehandsipemployeeswholiveintheareaareinthe
attachedfile,whichiha一veforwardedtowelch,too.therewasnothingon
hyde’ssipcomputerabouthisformerpas.
asareminder,hereisalistofwhatwasretrievedfromhyde’ssip
computer.
greys’homeaddresses:
fivepropertiesinseattle
twopropertiesindetroit
detailedresumésfor:
carrickgrey
elliotgrey
christiangrey
dr.gracetrevelyan
anastasiasteele
miagrey
newspaperandonlinearticlesrelatingto:
dr.gracetrevelyan
carrickgrey
christiangrey
elliotgrey
397|page
fiftyshadesfreed
photographs:
carrickgrey
dr.gracetrevelyan
christiangrey
elliotgrey
miagrey
i’lcontinuemyinvestigation,seewhatelseicanfind.bsullivan
headofit,geh.
thisodde-mailmomentarilysidetracksmefrommynightofwoe.iclickon
theattachmenttocheckthroughthenamesonthelist,butit’sobviouslyhuge,
toobigtoopenontheblackberry.
whatamidoing?it’slate.i’vehadatiringday.therearenoemailsfromthe
bitchtrollorleilawilliams,anditakesomecoldcomfortfromthat.iglance
quicklyatthealarmclock:it’sjustaftertwointhemorning.todayhasbeena
dayofrevelations.iamtobeamother,andmyhusbandhasbeen
fraternizingwiththeenemy.well,lethimstew.iamnotsleepingherewith
him—hecanwakeupalonetomorrow.afterplacinghisblackberryonthe
bedsidetable,iretrievemypursefrombesidethebedand,afteronelast
lookatmyangelic,sleepingjudas,ilea一vethebedroom.
thespareplayroomkeyisinitsusualplaceinthecabinetintheutilityroom.i
grabitandscootupstairs.fromthelinencloset,iretrieveapillow,duvetand
sheet,thenunlocktheplayroomdoorandenter,switchingthelightstodim.
oddthatifindthesmellandambienceofthisroomsocomforting,
consideringisafewordedthelasttimewewereinhere.ilockthedoor
behindme,lea一vingthekeyinthelock.iknowthattomorrowmorning
christianwillbefrantictofindme,andidon’tthinkhe’lllookinhereifthe
door’slocked.well,itwillservehimright.
icurluponthechesterfieldcouch,wrapmyselfintheduvetanddragmy
blackberryfrommypurse.checkingmytexts,ifindtheonefromtheevil
bitchtrollthatiforwardedfromchristian’sphone.i398|page
eljames
press‘forward’andtype:
*wouldyoulikemrs.lincolntojoinuswhenwe
eventuallydiscussthistextshesenttoyou?it
willsa一veyourunningtoherafterward.your
wife*
ipress‘send’andswitchthevolumetomute.ihuddleundermyduvet.forall
mybra一vado,i’moverwhelmedbytheenormityofchristian’sdeceit.this
shouldbeahappytime—jeez,we’regoingtobeparents.briefly,irelive
tellingchristianthati’mpregnantandfantasizethathefallstohiskneeswith
joyinfrontofme,pullingmeintohisarmsandontohislaptellingmehow
muchhelovesmeandourlittleblip.yethereiam,aloneandcoldina
bdsmfantasyplayroom.suddenlyifeelold,olderthanmyyears.takingon
christianwasalwaysgoingtobeachallenge,buthereallyhassurpassed
himselfthistime.whatwashethinking?well,ifhewantsafight,i’llgivehim
afight.nowayamigoingtolethimgetawaywithrunningofftoseethat
monstrouswomanwheneverweha一veaproblem.he’sgoingtoha一veto
choose—herormeandourlittleblip.isnifflesoftly,butbecausei’mso
exhausted,isoonfallasleep.
iwakewithastart,momentarilydisorientated...ohyes—i’minthe
playroom.becausetherearenowindows,iha一venoideawhattimeitis.the
doorhandlerattles.
“ana!”christianshoutsfromoutsidethedoor.ifreeze...buthedoesn’t
comein.ihearmuffledvoices,buttheymoveaway.iexhaleandcheckthe
timeonmyblackberry.it’ssevenfifty,andiha一vefourmissedcallsandtwo
voicemessages.themissedcallsaremostlyfromchristian,butthere’salso
onefromkate.ohno,hemustha一vecalledher.idon’tha一vetimetolistento
them.idon’twanttobelateforwork.iwraptheduvetaroundmeandpickup
mypursebeforemakingmywaytothedoor.unlockingitslowly,ipeek
outside.nosignofanyone.ohshit...perhapsthisisabitmelodramatic.i
rollmyeyesatmyself,takeadeepbreathandheaddownstairs.
taylor,sawyer,ryan,mrs.jones,andchristianareallstandingin399|pa
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fiftyshadesfreed
theentrancetothegreatroom,andchristianissuingrapid-fireinstructions.
asonetheyallturnandgapeatme.christianisstillwearingtheclotheshe
sleptinlastnight.helooksdisheveled,pale,andheart-stoppinglybeautiful.
hislargegrayeyesarewide,andidon’tknowifhe’sfearfulorangry.it’s
difficulttotell.
“sawyer,i’llbereadytolea一veinabouttwentyminutes,”imutter,wrappingthe
duvettighteraroundmeforprotection.henods,andalleyesturnto
christian,whoisstillstaringintenselyatme.
“wouldyoulikesomebreakfast,mrs.grey?”mrs.jonesasks.ishakemy
head.
“i’mnothungry,thankyou.”shepursesherlipsbutsaysnothing.
“wherewereyou?”christianasks,hisvoicelowandhusky.suddenly
sawyer,taylor,ryanandmrs.jonesscatter,scurryingintotaylor’soffice,
intothefoyer,andintothekitchenliketerrifiedratsfromasinkingship.
iignorechristianandmarchtowardourbedroom.
“ana,”hecallsafterme,“answerme.”ihearhisfootstepsbehindmeasi
walkintothebedroomandcontinueintoourbathroom.quickly,iturnand
lockthedoor.
lockthedoor.
“ana!”christianknocksonthedoor.iturnontheshower.thedoorrattles.
“ana,openthedamneddoor.”
“goaway!”
“i’mnotgoinganywhere.”
“suityourself.”
“ana,please.”
iclimbintotheshower,effectivelyblockinghimout.oh,it’swarm.the
healingwatercascadesoverme,cleansingtheexhaustionofthenightoffmy
skin.ohmy.thisfeelssogood.foramoment,foroneshortmoment,ican
pretendalliswell.iwashmyhairandbythetimei’vefinished,ifeelbetter,
stronger,readytofacethefreighttrainthatischristiangrey.iwrapmyhair
inatowel,brisklydrymyselfwithanothertowel,andwrapitaroundme.
iunlockthedoorandopenitandfindchristianisleaningagainstthewall
opposite,hishandsbehindhisback.hisexpressioniswary,thatofahunted
predator.istridepasthimintoourwalk-incloset.
“areyouignoringme?”christianasksindisbeliefashestandson400|pa
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eljames
thethresholdofthecloset.
“perceptive,aren’tyou?”imurmurabsentmindedlyasisearchforsomething
towear.ah,yes—myplumdress.islideitoffthehanger,choosemyhigh
blackstilettoboots,andheadforthebedroom.ipauseforchristiantostep
outofmyway,whichhedoes,eventually—hisintrinsicgoodmannerstaking
over.isensehiseyesboringintomeasiwalkovertomychestofdrawers,
andipeekathiminthemirror,standingmotionlessinthedoorway,watching
me.inanactworthyofanoscarwinner,iletmytowelfalltothefloorand
pretendthatiamoblivioustomynakedbody.ihearhisrestrainedgaspand
ignoreit.
“whyareyoudoingthis?”heasks.hisvoiceislow.
“whydoyouthink?”myvoiceisvelvetsoftasipulloutaprettypairofblack
lacelaperlapanties.
“ana—”hestopsasishimmyintothem.
“goaskyourmrs.robinson.i’msureshe’llha一veanexplanationforyou,”i
mutterasisearchforthematchingbra.
“ana,i’vetoldyoubefore,she’snotmy—”
“idon’twanttohearit,christian.”iwa一vemyhanddismissively.
“thetimefortalkingwasyesterday,butinsteadyoudecidedtorantandget
drunkwiththewomanwhoabusedyouforyears.giveheracall.iamsure
she’llbemorethanwillingtolistentoyounow.”ifindthematchingbraand
slowlypullitonandfastenit.christianwalksfurtherintothebedroomand
placeshishandsonhiships.
“whywereyousnoopingonme?”hesays.
inspiteofmyresolveiflush.“that’snotthepoint,christian,”isnapathim.
“factis,goinggetstoughandyouruntoher.”
hismouthsettlesintoagrimline.“itwasn’tlikethat.”
“i’mnotinterested.”pickingapairofblackthighhighswithlaceytops,i
retreattothebed.isit,pointmytoe,andgentlyeasethegossamermaterial
uptomythigh.
“wherewereyou?”heasks,hiseyesfollowingmyhandsupmylegs,buti
continuetoignorehimasislowlyrollontheotherstocking.standing,ibend
totowel-drymyhair.throughmypartedthighs,icanseehisbarefeet,andi
sensehisintensegaze.wheni’vefinished,istandandstepbacktothe
chestofdrawerswhereigrabmyhairdryer.
“answerme.”christian’svoiceislowandhusky.
iswitchonthehairdryersoicannolongerhearhimandwatchhim401|pa
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fiftyshadesfreed
throughmylashesinthemirrorasifingerdrymyhair.heglaresatme,eyes
narrowandcool,chillingeven.ilookaway,focusingonthetaskathandand
tryingtosuppresstheshiverthatrunsthroughme.iswallowhardand
concentrateondryingmyhair.he’sstillmad.hegoesoutwiththatdamned
woman,andhe’smadatme?howdarehe!
whenmyhairlookswildanduntamed,istop.yes...ilikeit.iswitchoffthe
hairdryer.
“wherewereyou?”hewhispers,histonearctic.
“whatdoyoucare?”
“ana,stopthis.now.”
ishrug,andchristianmovesquicklyacrosstheroomtowardme.iwhirl
around,steppingbackashereachesout.
“don’ttouchme,”ihissandhefreezes.
“wherewereyou?”hedemands.hishandsfistathisside.
“iwasn’toutgettingdrunkwithmyex,”iseethe.“didyousleepwithher?”
hegasps.“what?no!”hegapesatmeandhasthegalltolookwounded
andangryatthesametime.mysubconsciousbreathesasmall,welcome
sighofrelief.
“youthinki’dcheatonyou?”histoneisoneofmoraloutrage.
“youdid,”isnarl.“bytakingourveryprivatelifeandspillingyourspineless
gutstothatwoman.”
hismouthdropsopen.“spineless.that’swhatyouthink?”hiseyesblaze.
“christian,isawthetext.that’swhatiknow.”
“thattextwasnotmeantforyou,”hegrowls.
“well,factisisawitwhenyourblackberryfelloutofyourjacketwhileiwas
undressingyoubecauseyouweretoodrunktoundressyourself.doyou
ha一veanyideahowmuchyou’vehurtmebygoingtoseethatwoman?”
hepalesmomentarily,buti’monaroll,myinnerbitchunleashed.
“doyourememberlastnightwhenyoucamehome?rememberwhatyou
said?”
hestaresatmeblankly,hisfacefrozen.
“well,youwereright.idochoosethisdefenselessbabyoveryou.that’s
whatanylovingparentdoes.that’swhatyourmothershouldha一vedonefor
you.andiamsorrythatshedidn’t—becausewe402|page
eljames
wouldn’tbeha一vingthisconversationrightnowifshehad.butyou’reanadult
now—youneedtogrowupandsmellthefuckingcoffeeandstopbeha一ving
likeapetulantadolescent.
“youmaynotbehappyaboutthisbaby.i’mnotecstatic,giventhetimingand
yourless-than-lukewarmreceptiontothisnewlife,thisfleshofyourflesh.but
youcaneitherdothiswithme,ori’lldoitonmyown.thedecisionisyours.
“whileyouwallowinyourpitofself-pityandself-loathing,i’mgoingtowork.
andwhenireturni’llbemovingmybelongingstotheroomupstairs.”
heblinksatme,shocked.
“now,ifyou’llexcuseme,i’dliketofinishgettingdressed.”iambreathing
hard.veryslowly,christianretreatsonestep,hisdemeanorhardening.
“isthatwhatyouwant?”hewhispers.
“idon’tknowwhatiwantanymore.”mytonemirrorshis,andittakesa
monumentalefforttofeigndisinterestwhileicasuallydipthetipsofmy
fingersintomymoisturizerandsmoothitgentlyovermyface.ipeeratmyself
inthemirror.blueeyeswide,facepale,butcheeksflushed.you’redoing
great.don’tbackdownnow.don’tbackdownnow.
“youdon’twantme?”hewhispers.
oh—no...ohnoyoudon’t,grey.