“i’mstillherearen’ti?”isnap.takingmymascara,iapplysomefirsttomy
righteye.
“you’vethoughtaboutlea一ving?”hiswordsarebarelyaudible.
“whenone’shusbandprefersthecompanyofhisex-mistressit’susuallynot
agoodsign.”ipitchthedisdainatjusttherightlevel,evadinghisquestion.
lipglossnow.ipoutmyshinylipsattheimageinthemirror.staystrong,
steele...um—grey.holyfuck,ican’tevenremembermyname.ipickup
myboots,strideovertothebedoncemore,andquicklyputthemon,tugging
themupovermyknees.yep.ilookhotjustinunderwearandboots.iknow.
standing,igazedispassionatelyathim.heblinksatme,andhiseyestra一vel
swiftlyandgreedilydownmybody.
“iknowwhatyou’redoinghere,”hemurmurs,andhisvoicehasacquireda
warm,seductiveedge.
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“doyou?”andmyvoicecracks.no,ana...holdon.heswallowsand
takesastepforward.istepbackandholdmyhandsup.
“don’teventhinkaboutit,grey,”iwhispermenacingly.
“you’remywife,”hesayssoftly,threateningly.
“i’mthepregnantwomanyouabandonedyesterday,andifyoutouchmeiwill
screamtheplacedown.”
hiseyebrowsriseindisbelief.“you’dscream?”
“bloodymurder.”inarrowmyeyes.
“noonewouldhearyou,”hemurmurs,hisgazeintense,andbrieflyi’m
remindedofourmorninginaspen.no.no.no.
“areyoutryingtofrightenme?”imutterbreathless,deliberatelytryingto
derailhim.
itworks.hestillsandswallows.“thatwasn’tmyintention.”hefrowns.
icanbarelybreathe.ifhetouchesme,iwillsuccumb.iknowthepowerhe
wieldsovermeandovermytraitorousbody.iknow.ihangontomyanger.
“ihadadrinkwithsomeoneiusedtobecloseto.weclearedtheair.iam
notgoingtoseeheragain.”
“yousoughtherout?”
“notatfirst.itriedtoseeflynn.butifoundmyselfatthesalon.”
“andyouexpectmetobelieveyou’renotgoingtoseeheragain?”icannot
containmyfuryasihissathim.“whataboutthenexttimeistepacrosssome
imaginaryline?thisisthesameargumentweha一veoverandoveragain.
likewe’reonsomeixionwheel.ififuckupagain,areyougoingtorunback
toher?”
“iamnotgoingtoseeheragain,”hesayswithachillingfinality.
“shefinallyunderstandshowifeel.”
iblinkathim.“whatdoesthatmean?”
hestraightensandrunsahandthroughhishair,exasperatedandangryand
mute.itryadifferenttack.
“whycanyoutalktoherandnottome?”
“iwasmadatyou.likeiamnow.”
“youdon’tsay!”isnap.“welliammadatyourightnow.madatyouforbeing
socoldandcallousyesterdaywhenineededyou.madatyouforsayingigot
knockedupdeliberately,whenididn’t.madatyou404|page
eljames
forbetrayingme.”imanagetosuppressasob.hismouthdropsopenin
shock,andhecloseshiseyesbrieflyasifi’dslappedhim.iswallow.calm
down,anastasia.
“ishouldha一vekeptbettertrackofmyshots.butididn’tdoitonpurpose.it
looksliketheshotfailed.idon’tknowyet.thispregnancyisashocktome,
too.”imutter,tryingforamodicumofcivility.heglaresatme,silent.
“youreallyfuckedupyesterday,”iwhisper.“i’vehadalottodealwithoverthe
lastfewweeks.”
“youreallyfuckedupthreeorfourweeksago.orwheneveryouforgotyour
shot.”
“godforbidishouldbeperfectlikeyou.”
ohstop,stop,stop.westandgloweringateachother.
“thisisquiteaperformance,mrs.grey,”hewhispers.
“well,i’mgladthatevenknockedupi’mentertaining.”
hestaresatmeblankly.“ineedashower,”hemurmurs.
“andi’veprovidedenoughofafloorshow.”
“it’samightyfinefloorshow,”hewhispers.hestepsforward,andistepback
again.
“don’t.”
“ihatethatyouwon’tletmetouchyou.”
“ironic,huh?”
hiseyesnarrowoncemore.“weha一ven’tresolvedmuch,ha一vewe?”
“i’dsaynot.exceptthati’mmovingoutofthisbedroom.”
hiseyesflareandwidenbriefly.“shedoesn’tmeananythingtome.”
“exceptwhenyouneedher.”
“idon’tneedher.ineedyou.”
“youdidn’tyesterday.thatwomanisahardlimitforme,christian.”
“she’soutofmylife.”
“iwishicouldbelieveyou.”
“forfuck’ssake,ana.”
“pleaseletmegetdressed.”
hesighsandrunsahandthroughhishaironcemore.“i’llseeyouthis
evening,”hesays,hisvoicebleakanddevoidoffeeling.andforabrief
momentiwanttotakehiminmyarmsandsoothehim...buti405|page
fiftyshadesfreed
resistbecausei’mjusttoomad.heturnsandheadsforthebathroom.istand
frozenuntilihearthedoorclose.
istaggertothebedandflopdownontoit.myinnergoddessandmy
subconsciousarebothgivingmeastandingovation.ididnotresorttotears,
shouting,ormurder,nordidisuccumbtohissexpertise.ideservea
congressionalmedalofhonor,butifeelsolow.shit.weresolvednothing.
we’reontheedgeofaprecipice.isourmarriageisatstakehere?why
can’theseewhatacompleteandutterasshe’sbeenrunningtothat
woman?andwhatdoeshemeanwhenhesayshe’llneverseeheragain?
howonearthamisupposedtobelievethat?iglanceattheradioalarm—it’s
eightthirty.shit!i’lldon’twanttobelate.itakeadeepbreath.
“roundtwowasastalemate,littleblip,”iwhisper,pattingmybelly.“daddy
maybealostcause,butihopenot.why,ohwhy,didyoucomesoearly,
littleblip?thingswerejustgettinggood.”myliptrembles,butitakeadeep
cleansingbreathandbringmyrollingemotionsundercontrol.
“comeon.let’sgokickassatwork.”
idon’tsaygoodbyetochristian.he’sstillintheshowerwhensawyerandi
lea一ve.asigazeoutofthedarkenedwindowsofthesuv,mycomposure
slipsandmyeyeswater.mymoodisreflectedinthegray,drearysky,andi
feelastrangesenseofforeboding.wedidn’tactuallydiscussthebaby.i
ha一vehadlessthantwenty-fourhourstoassimilatethenewsoflittleblip—
christianhashadevenlesstime.“hedoesn’tevenknowyourname.”i
caressmybellyandwipetearsfrommyface.
“mrs.grey.”sawyerinterruptsmyreverie.“we’rehere.”
“oh.thanks,sawyer.”
“i’mgoingtomakearuntothedeli,ma’am.canigetyouanything?”
“no.thankyou,no.i’mnothungry.”
hannahhasmylattewaitingforme.itakeonesniffofitandmystomach
roils.
“um—caniha一vetea,please?”imutter,embarrassed.iknewthere406|pa
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eljames
wasareasonineverreallylikedcoffee.jeez,itsmellsfoul.
“youokay,ana?”
inodandscurryintothesafetyofmyoffice.myblackberrybuzzes.it’skate.
“whywaschristianlookingforyou?”sheaskswithnopreambleatall.
“goodmorning,kate.howareyou?”
“cutthecrap,steele.whatgives?”thekatherineka一vanaghinquisition
begins.
“christianandihadafight,that’sall.”
“didhehurtyou?”
irollmyeyes.“yes,butnotthewayyou’rethinking.”icannotdealwithkateat
themoment.iknowiwillcry—andrightnowiamsoproudofmyselffornot
breakingdownthismorning.“kate,iha一veameeting.i’llcallyouback.”
“good.you’reallright?”
“yes.”no.“i’llcallyoulater,okay?”
“okay,ana,ha一veityourownway.i’mhereforyou.”
ohno...“iknow,”iwhisperandfightthebacklashofemotionatherkind
words.iamnotgoingtocry.iamnotgoingtocry.
“rayokay?”
“yes,”iwhispertheword.
“oh,ana,”shewhispers.
“don’t.”
“okay.talklater.”
“yes.”
duringthecourseofthemorning,isporadicallycheckmye-mails,hopingfor
wordfromchristian.butthere’snothing.asthedaywearson,irealizehe’s
notgoingtocontactmeatall,andthathe’sstillmad.well,i’mstillmad,too.i
throwmyselfintomywork,pausingonlyatlunchtimeforacreamcheeseand
salmonbagel.it’sextraordinaryhowmuchbetterifeeloncei’veeaten
something.
atfiveo’clocksawyerandisetoffforthehospitaltoseeray.sawyeris
extravigilant,andevenoversolicitous.it’sirritating.asweapproachray’s
room,hehoversoverme.
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fiftyshadesfreed
“shalligetyousometeawhileyouvisitwithyourfather?”heasks.
“nothanks,sawyer.i’llbefine.”
“i’llwaitoutside.”heopensthedoorforme,andi’mgratefultogetawayfrom
himforamoment.rayissittingupinbedreadingamagazine.he’ssha一ved,
wearingapajamatop—helookslikehisoldself.
“hey,annie.”hegrins.andhisfacefalls.
“oh,daddy...”irushtohisside,andinaveryuncharacteristicmove,he
openshisarmswideandhugsme.
“annie?”hewhispers.“whatisit?”heholdsmetightandkissesmyhair.as
i’minhisarms,irealizehowrarethesemomentsbetweenusha一vebeen.
whyisthat?isthatwhyiliketocrawlintochristian’slap?afteramoment,i
pullawayfromhimandsitdowninthechairbesidethebed.ray’sbrowis
furrowedwithconcern.
“tellyouroldman.”
ishakemyhead.hedoesn’tneedmyproblemsrightnow.
“it’snothing,dad.youlookwell.”ireachoverandclasphishand.
“feelingmorelikemyself,thoughthisleginacastisbitchin’.”
“bitchin’?”hiswordpromptsmysmile.
hesmilesback.“bitchin’soundsbetterthanitchin’.”
“oh,dad,iamsogladyou’reokay.”
“me,too,annie.i’dliketobouncesomegrandchildrenonthisbitchin’knee
oneday.wouldn’twanttomissthatfortheworld.”
iblinkathim.shit.doesheknow?andifightthetearsthatprickthecorners
ofmyeyes.
“youandchristiangettingalong?”
“wehadafight,”iwhisper,tryingtospeakpasttheknotinmythroat.“we’ll
workitout.”
henods.“he’safineman,yourhusband,”raysaysreassuringly.
“hehashismoments.whatdidthedoctorssay?”idon’twanttotalkabout
myhusbandrightnow;he’sapainfultopicofconversation.
backatescala,christianisnothome.
“christiancalledandsaidthathe’dbeworkinglate,”mrs.jonesinformsme
apologetically.
“oh.thanksforlettingmeknow.”whycouldn’thetellme?jeez,408|pag
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hereallyistakinghissulktoawholenewlevel.iambrieflyremindedofthe
fightoverourweddingvowsandthemajortantrumhehadthen.buti’mthe
aggrievedonehere.
“whatwouldyouliketoeat?”mrs.joneshasadetermined,steelyglintinher
eye.
“pasta.”
shesmiles.“spaghetti,penne,fusilli?”
“spaghetti,yourbolognese.”
“comingup.andana...youshouldknowmr.greywasfranticthismorning
whenhethoughtyou’dleft.hewasbesidehimself.”shesmilesfondly.
oh...
he’sstillnothomebynine.iamsittingatmydeskinthelibrary,wondering
whereheis.icallhim.
“ana,”hesays,hisvoicecool.
“hi.”
heinhalessoftly.“hi,”hesays,hisvoicelower.
“areyoucominghome?”
“later.”
“areyouintheoffice?”
“yes.wheredidyouexpectmetobe?”
withher.“i’llletyougo.”
webothhangontheline,thesilencestretchingandtighteningbetweenus.
“goodnight,ana,”hesayseventually.
“goodnight,christian.”
hehangsup.
ohshit.igazeatmyblackberry.idon’tknowwhatheexpectsmetodo.i’m
notgoingtolethimwalkalloverme.yes,he’smad,fairenough.i’mmad.
butwearewhereweare.iha一ven’trunofflooselippedtomyex-paedolover.i
wanthimtoacknowledgethatthatisnotanacceptablewaytobeha一ve.
isitbackinmychair,gazingatthebilliardtableinthelibrary,andrecallfun
timesplayingsnooker.iplacemyhandonmybelly.maybeit’sjusttooearly.
maybethisisnotmeanttobe...andevenasithink409|page
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that,mysubconsciousisscreamingno!ifiterminatethispregnancy,iwill
neverforgivemyself—orchristian.“oh,blip,whatha一veyoudonetous?”i
can’tfacetalkingtokate.ican’tfacetalkingtoanyone.itexther,promising
tocallsoon.
byeleven,icannolongerkeepmyeyelidsopen.resigned,iheaduptomy
oldroom.curlingupbeneaththeduvet,ifinallyletmyselfgo,sobbingintomy
pillow,greathea一vingunladylikesobsofgrief...
myheadishea一vywheniwake.crispfalllightshinesthroughthegreat
windowsofmyroom.glancingatmyalarmiseeit’sseventhirty.my
immediatethoughtiswhere’schristian?isitupandswingmylegsoutof
bed.onthefloorbesidethebedischristian’ssilver-graytie,myfa一vorite.it
wasn’ttherewheniwenttobedlastnight.ipickitupandstareatit,
caressingthesilkymaterialbetweenmythumbsandforefingers,thenhugit
againstmycheek.hewashere,watchingmesleep.andaglimmerofhope
sparksdeepinsideme.
mrs.jonesisbusyinthekitchenwheniarrivedownstairs.
“goodmorning,”shesaysbrightly.
“morning.christian?”iask.
“morning.christian?”iask.
herfacefalls.“he’salreadyleft.”
“sohedidcomehome?”ineedtocheck,eventhoughiha一vehistieas
evidence.
“hedid,”shepauses,“ana,pleaseforgivemeforspeakingoutofturn,but
don’tgiveuponhim.he’sastubbornman.”
inod,andshestops.i’msuremyexpressiontellsheridonotwanttodiscuss
myerranthusbandrightnow.
wheniarriveatwork,icheckmye-mails.myheartleapsintooverdrivewhen
iseethere’sonefromchristian.
from:christiangrey
subject:portland
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eljames
date:september15,201106:45
to:anastasiagrey
ana,
iamflyingdowntoportlandtoday.
iha一vesomebusinesstoconcludewithwsu.
ithoughtyouwouldwanttoknow.
christiangrey
ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
oh.tearsprickmyeyes.that’sit?mystomachflips.shit!iamgoingtobe
sick.iracetothepowderroomandmakeitjustintime,depositingmy
breakfastintothetoilet.isinktothefloorofthecubicleandputmyheadin
myhands.couldibeanymoremiserable?afterawhile,there’sagentle
knockonthedoor.
“ana?”it’shannah.
fuck.“yes?”
“areyouokay?”
“i’llbeoutinamoment.”
“boycefoxisheretoseeyou.”
shit.“showhimintothemeetingroom.i’llbethereinaminute.”
“doyouwantsometea?”
“please.”
aftermylunch—anothercreamcheeseandsalmonbagel,whichimanageto
keepdown—isitstaringlistlesslyatmycomputer,lookingforinspirationand
wonderinghowchristianandiaregoingtoresolvethishugeproblem.
myblackberrybuzzes,makingmejump.iglanceatthescreen—
it’smia.jeez,that’sallineed,hergushingandenthusiasm.ihesitate,
wonderingificouldjustignoreit,butcourtesywinsout.
“mia,”ianswerbrightly.
“well,hellothere,ana—longtimenospeak.”themalevoiceisfamiliar,and
myworldstopsspinning.
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fuck!myscalppricklesandallthehaironmybodystandstoattentionas
adrenalinefloodsthroughmysystem.
it’sjackhyde.
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