chaptertwenty

igapeatdr.greene,myworldcollapsingaroundme.ababy.ababy.idon’t

wantababy...notyet.fuck.andiknowdeepdownthatchristianisgoing

tofreak.

“mrs.grey,you’reverypale.wouldyoulikeaglassofwater?”

“please.”myvoiceisabarelyaudible.mymindisracing.pregnant?when?

“itakeityou’resurprised.”

inodmutelyatthegooddoctorasshehandsmeaglassofwaterfromher

convenientlyplacedwatercooler.itakeawelcomesip.

“shocked,”iwhisper.

“wecoulddoanultrasoundtoseehowadvancedthepregnancyis.judging

byyourreaction,isuspectyou’rejustacoupleofweeksorsofrom

conception––fourorfiveweekspregnant.itakeityouha一ven’tbeensuffering

anyothersymptoms?”

ishakemyheadmutely.symptoms?idon’tthinkso.“ithought...ithought

thiswasareliableformofcontraceptive.”

dr.greenearchesabrow.“itnormallyis,whenyouremembertoha一vethe

shot,”shesayscoolly.

“imustha一velosttrackoftime.”christianisgoingtofreak.iknowit.

“ha一veyoubeenbleedingatall?”

ifrown.“no.”

“that’snormalforthedepo.shallweha一vealookatyou?iha一vetime.”

inod,bewildered,anddr.greenedirectsmetowardablackleathertable

behindascreen.

“ifyou’lljustslipoffyourskirtandunderwear,we’llgofromthere,”shesays

briskly.

underwear?iwasexpectinganultrasoundscanovermybelly.whydoineed

toremovemypanties?ishruginconsternationthenquicklydoasshesays

andliedownbeneaththesoftwhiteblanket.380|page

eljames

“that’sgood.”dr.greeneappearsattheendofthetable,pullingthe

ultrasoundmachinecloser.it’sahi-techstackofcomputers.sittingdown,

shepositionsthescreensothatwecanbothseeitandjogsthetrackballon

thekeyboard.thescreenpingsintolife.

“ifyoucouldliftandbendyourknees,thenpartthemwide,”shesaysmatterof-

factly.

what?

“thisisatransvaginalultrasound.ifyou’reonlyjustpregnant,weshouldbe

abletofindthebabywiththis.”sheholdsupalongwhiteprobe.

oh—youha一vegottobekidding!

“okay,”imutter,mortified,anddoasshesays.greenepullsacondomover

thewandandlubricatesitwithcleargel.

“right,mrs.grey,ifyoucouldrelax.”

relax?i’mpregnant,damnit!howdoyouexpectmetorelax?iblush,and

endea一vortofindmyhappyplace...whichhasrelocatedsomewherenear

thelostislandofatlantis.slowlyandgentlysheinsertstheprobe.holyfuck.

allicanseeonthescreenisthevisualequivalentofwhitenoise—

althoughit’smoresepiaincolor.slowly,dr.greenemovestheprobeabout,

andit’sverydisconcerting.

“there,”shemurmurs.shepressesabutton,freezingthepictureonthe

screen,andpointstoatinyblipinthesepiastorm.it’salittleblip.there’sa

tinylittleblipinmybelly.tiny.wow.iforgetmydiscomfortasistareshellshocked

attheblip.

“it’stooearlytoseetheheartbeat,butyes,you’redefinitelypregnant.fouror

fiveweeks,iwouldsay.”shefrowns.“looksliketheshotranoutearly.oh

well,thathappens.”

what!iamtoostunnedtosayanything.thelittleblipisababy.arealhonest

togoodnessbaby.christian’sbaby.mybaby.holycow.ababy!

“wouldyoulikemetoprintoutapictureforyou?”

inod,stillunabletospeak,anddr.greenepressesabutton.thenshegently

removesthewandandhandsmeapapertoweltocleanmyself.

“congratulations,mrs.grey,”shesaysasisitup.“we’llneedtomake

anotherappointment.isuggestinfourweeks’time.thenwecan381|pag

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fiftyshadesfreed

ascertaintheexactageofyourbabyandsetalikelyduedate.youcanget

dressednow.”

“okay.”i’mreelingandidresshurriedly.iha一veablip,alittleblip.wheni

emergefrombehindthescreen,dr.greeneisbackatherdesk.

“inthemeantime,i’dlikeyoutostartthiscourseoffolicacidand

multivitamins.here’saleafletofdosanddon’ts.”asshehandsmea

packageofpillsandaleaflet,shecontinuestotalkatme,buti’mnot

listening.i’minshock.overwhelmed.surelyishouldbehappy.surelyi

shouldbethirty...atleast.thisistoosoon—fartoosoon.itrytoquellmy

risingsenseofpanic.

iwishdr.greeneapolitegoodbyeandheadinadazebackdowntotheexit

andoutintothecoolfallafternoon.i’mgrippedsuddenlybyacreepingcold

anddeepsenseofforeboding.christianisgoingtofreak,iknow,buthow

muchandhowfar,iha一venoidea.hiswordshauntme.“i’mnotreadyto

shareyouyet.”ipullmyjackettighteraroundme,tryingtoshakeoffthecold.

shareyouyet.”ipullmyjackettighteraroundme,tryingtoshakeoffthecold.

sawyerleapsoutofthesuvandholdsopenthedoor.hefrownswhenhe

seesmyface,butiignorehisconcernedexpression.

“whereto,mrs.grey?”heasksgently.

“sip.”inestleintothebackofthecar,closingmyeyesandrestingmyhead

onthebackseat.ishouldbehappy.iknowishouldbehappy.buti’mnot.

thisistooearly.fartooearly.whataboutmyjob?whataboutsip?what

aboutchristianandme?no.no.no.we’llbefine.he’llbefine.heloved

babymia—iremembercarricktellingme—hedotesonhernow.perhapsi

shouldwarnflynn...perhapsishouldn’ttellchristian.perhapsi...

perhapsishouldendthis.ihaltmythoughtsonthatdarkpath,alarmedatthe

directionthey’retaking.instinctivelymyhandsweepsdowntorest

protectivelyovermybelly.no.mylittleblip.tearsspringtomyeyes.what

amigoingtodo?

avisionofalittleboywithcopper-coloredhairandbrightgrayeyes,running

throughthemeadowatthenewhouseinvadesmythoughts,teasingand

tantalizingmewithpossibilities.he’sgigglingandsquealingwithdelightas

christianandichasehim.christianswingshimhighinhisarmsandcarries

himonhishipaswewalkhandinhandbacktothehouse.

myvisionmorphsintochristianturningawayfrommeindisgust.i’mfatand

awkward,hea一vywithchild.hepacesthelonghallof382|page

eljames

mirrors,awayfromme,thesoundofhisfootstepsechoingoffthesilvered

glass,walls,andfloor.christian...ijerkawake.no.he’sgoingtofreakout.

whensawyerpullsupoutsidesip,ileapoutandheadintothebuilding.

“ana,greattoseeyou.how’syourdad?”hannahasksassoonasireach

myoffice.iregardhercoolly.

“he’sbetter,thankyou.caniseeyouinmyoffice?”

“sure.”shelookssurprisedasshefollowsmein.“iseverythingokay?”

“ineedtoknowifyou’vemovedorcancelledanyappointmentswithdr.

greene.”

“dr.greene?yes,iha一ve.abouttwoorthreeofthem.mostlybecauseyou

wereinothermeetingsoroverrunning.why?”

becausenowi’mfuckingpregnant!iscreamatherinmyhead.itakea

deep,steadyingbreath.“ifyoumoveanyappointments,willyoumakesurei

know?idon’talwayscheckmycalendar.”

“sure,”hannahsaysquietly.“i’msorry.ha一veidonesomethingwrong?”

ishakemyheadandsighloudly.“canyoumakemesometea?

thenlet’sdiscusswhat’sbeenhappeningwhilei’vebeenaway.”

“sure.i’lljumptoit.”brightening,sheheadsoutoftheoffice.igazeafterher

departingfigure.“youseethatwoman?”italkquietlytotheblip.“she’sthe

reasonyou’rehere.”ipatmybellythenfeellikeacompleteidiot,becausei

amtalkingtotheblip.mytinylittleblip.ishakemyhead,exasperatedat

myselfandathannah...thoughdeepdowniknowican’treallyblame

hannah.despondentlyiswitchonmycomputer.there’sane-mailfrom

christian.

from:christiangrey

subject:missingyou

date:september13,201113:58

to:anastasiagrey

mrs.grey

383|page

fiftyshadesfreed

i’vebeenbackintheofficeforonlythreehours,andi’mmissingyoualready.

hoperayhassettledinokayatthenorthwest.momisgoingtoseehimthis

afternoonandcheckuponhim.

i’lcolectyouaroundsixthisevening,andwecangoandseehimbefore

headinghome.

soundgood?

yourlovinghusband

christiangrey

ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.

itypeaquickresponse.

from:anastasiagrey

subject:missingyou

date:september13,201114:10

to:christiangrey

sure.

x

anastasiagrey

commissioningeditor,sip

from:christiangrey

subject:missingyou

date:september13,201114:14

to:anastasiagrey

areyouokay?

christiangrey

ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.

384|page

eljames

no,christian,i’mnot.i’mfreakingoutaboutyoufreakingout.idon’tknow

whattodo.butiamnotgoingtotellyouviae-mail.

from:anastasiagrey

subject:missingyou

date:september13,201114:17

to:christiangrey

fine.justbusy.

seeyouatsix.

x

anastasiagrey

commissioningeditor,sip

whenwillitellhim?tonight?maybeaftersex?maybeduringsex.no,that

mightbedangerousforbothofus.whenhe’sasleep?iputmyheadinmy

hands.whatthehellamigoingtodo?

~o0o~

“hi,”christiansayswarilyasiclimbintothesuv.

“hi,”imurmur.

“what’swrong?”hefrowns.ishakemyheadastaylorsetsofftowardthe

hospital.

“nothing.”maybenow?icouldtellhimnowwhenwe’reinacontainedspace

andtayloriswithus.

“isworkallright?”christiancontinuestoprobe.

“yes.fine.thanks.”

“ana,what’swrong?”histoneisalittlemoreforceful.ichickenout.

“i’vejustmissedyou,that’sall.andi’vebeenworriedaboutray.”

christianvisiblyrelaxes.“ray’sgood.ispoketomomthisafternoonand

she’simpressedwithhisprogress.”reachingacross,385|page

fiftyshadesfreed

christiangraspsmyhand.“boy,yourhandiscold.ha一veyoueatentoday?”

iblush.

“ana,”christianscoldsme,annoyed.

well,iha一ven’teatenbecauseiknowyou’regoingtogobat-shitcrazywhen

itellyoui’mpregnant.

“i’lleatthisevening.iha一ven’treallyhadtime.”

heshakeshisheadinfrustration.“doyouwantmetoadd‘feedmywife’to

thesecuritydetail’slistofduties?”

“i’msorry.i’lleat.it’sjustbeenaweirdday.youknow,movingdadandall.”

hislipspressintoahardline,buthesaysnothing.igazeoutthewindow.

tellhim!mysubconscioushisses.no.iamacoward.christianinterrupts

myreverie.“imayha一vetogototaiwan.”

“oh.when?”

“laterthisweek.maybenextweek.”

“okay.”

“iwantyoutocomewithme.”

iswallow.“christian,please.iha一vemyjob.let’snotrehashthisargument

again.”

hesighsandpoutslikeasulkyteenager.“thoughti’dask,”hemutters

petulantly.

“howlongwillyougofor?”

“notmorethanacoupleofdays.iwishyou’dtellmewhat’sbotheringyou.”

howcanhetell?“well,nowthatmybelovedhusbandisgoingaway...”

christiankissesmyknuckles.“iwon’tbeawayforlong.”

“good.”ismileweaklyathim.

rayismuchbrighterandalotlessgrumpywhenweseehim.i’mtouchedby

hisquietgratitudetochristian,andforamomentiforgetaboutmy

impendingnewsasisitandlistentothemtalkfishingandthemariners.but

hetireseasily.

“daddy,we’lllea一veyoutosleep.”

“thanks,anahoney.ilikethatyoudropby.sawyourmomtoday,386|pag

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eljames

too,christian.shewasveryreassuring.andshe’samarinersfan.”

“she’snotcrazyaboutfishing,though,”christiansayswrylyasherises.

“don’tknowmanywomenwhoare,eh?”raygrins.

“i’llseeyoutomorrow,okay?”ileanoverandkisshim.mysubconscious

pursesherlips.that’sprovidedchristianhasn’tlockedyouaway...or

worse.myspiritstakeanosepe.

“come.”christianholdsouthishand,frowningatme.itakeitandwelea一ve

thehospital.

ipickatmyfood.it’smrs.jones’schickenchasseur,buti’mjustnothungry.

mystomachisknottedinatightballofanxiety.

“damnit!ana,willyoutellmewhat’swrong?”christianpusheshisempty

plateaway,irritated.igazeathim.“please.you’redrivingmecrazy.”

iswallowandtrytosubduethepanicrisinginmythroat.itakeadeep

steadyingbreath.it’snowornever.“i’mpregnant.”

hestills,andveryslowlyallthecolordrainsfromhisface.“what?”