hewhispers,ashen.
“i’mpregnant.”
hisbrowfurrowswithincomprehension.“how?”
iblinkathim.how...how?whatsortofridiculousquestionisthat?iblush,
andgivehimaquizzicalhow-do-you-thinklook.hisstancechanges
immediately,hiseyeshardeningtoflint.
“yourshot?”hesnarls.
ohshit.
“didyouforgetyourshot?”
ijustgazeathimunabletospeak.jeez,he’smad—reallymad.
“christ,ana!”hebangshisfistonthetable,makingmejump,andstandsso
abruptlyhealmostknocksthediningchairover.“youha一veonething,one
thingtoremember.shit!idon’tfuckingbelieveit.howcouldyoubeso
stupid?”
stupid!igasp.shit.iwanttotellhimthattheshotwasineffective,butwords
failme.igazedownatmyfingers.“i’msorry,”iwhisper.
“sorry?fuck!”hesaysagain.
“iknowthetiming’snotverygood.”
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“notverygood!”heshouts.“we’veknowneachotherfivefuckingminutes.i
wantedtoshowyouthefuckingworldandnow...fuck.diapersandvomit
andshit!”hecloseshiseyes.ithinkhe’stryingtocontainhistemperand
losingthebattle.
“didyouforget?tellme.ordidyoudothisonpurpose?”hiseyesblazeand
angeremanatesoffhimlikeaforcefield.
“no,”iwhisper.ican’ttellhimabouthannah—he’dfireher.iknow.
“ithoughtwe’dagreedonthis!”heshouts.
“iknow.wehad.i’msorry.”
heignoresme.“thisiswhy.thisiswhyilikecontrol.sothingslikethisdon’t
comealongandfuckeverythingup.”
thing...littleblipisnotathing.“christian,pleasedon’tshoutatme.”tears
starttoslipdownmyface.
“don’tstartwithwaterworksnow,”hesnaps.“fuck.”herunsahandthrough
hishair,pullingatitashedoes.“youthinki’mreadytobeafather?”his
voicecatches,andit’samixtureofrageandpanic.anditallbecomesclear,
thefearandloathingwritlargeinhiseyes—hisrageisthatofapowerless
adolescent.ohfifty,iamsosorry.it’sashockforme,too.
“iknowneitheroneofusisreadyforthis,butithinkyou’llmakeawonderful
father,”ichoke.“we’llfigureitout.”
“howthefuckdoyouknow!”heshouts,louderthistime.“tellmehow!”his
grayeyesburn,andsomanyemotionscrosshisface.it’sfearthat’smost
prominent.
“ohfuckthis!”christianbellowsdismissivelyandholdshishandsupina
gestureofdefeat.heturnsonhisheelandstalkstowardthefoyer,grabbing
hisjacketashelea一vesthegreatroom.hisfootstepsechooffthewooden
floor,andhedisappearsthroughthedoubledoorsintothefoyer,slamming
thedoorbehindhimandmakingmejumponcemore.
alliamleftwithisthesilence—thestill,silentemptinessofthegreatroom.i
shudderinvoluntarilyasigazenumblyatthecloseddoors.he’swalkedout
onme.shit!hisreactionisfarworsethanicouldeverha一veimagined.ipush
myplateawayandfoldmyarmsonthetable,lettingmyheadsinkintothem
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“ana,dear.”mrs.jonesishoveringbesideme.
oh.isitupquickly,dashingthetearsfrommyface.
“iheard.i’msorry,”shesaysgently.“wouldyoulikeanherbalteaor
something?”
“i’dlikeaglassofwhitewine.”
mrs.jonespausesforafractionofasecond,andiremembertheblip.nowi
can’tdrinkalcohol.cani?imuststudythedosanddon’tsdr.greenega一ve
me.
“i’llgetyouaglass.”
“actually,i’llha一veacupoftea,please.”iwipemynose.shesmileskindly.
“cupofteacomingup.”sheclearsourplatesandheadsovertothekitchen
area.ifollowherandperchonastool,watchingherpreparemytea.
sheplacesasteamingmuginfrontofme.“isthereanythingelseicangetfor
you,ana?”
“no,thisisfine,thankyou.”
“areyousure?youdidn’teatmuch.”
igazeupather.“i’mjustnothungry.”
“ana,youshouldeat.it’snotjustyouanymore.pleaseletmefixyou
something.whatwouldyoulike?”shelookssohopefullyatme.butreally,i
can’tfaceanything.
myhusbandhasjustwalkedoutonmebecausei’mpregnant,myfatherhas
beeninamajorcaraccident,andthere’sjackhydethenutcasetryingto
makeoutthatisexuallyharassedhim.isuddenlyha一veanuncontrollableurge
togiggle.seewhatyou’vedonetome,littleblip!icaressmybelly.
mrs.jonessmilesindulgentlyatme.“doyouknowhowfaryouare?”she
askssoftly.
“verynewlypregnant.fourorfiveweeks,thedoctorisn’tsure.”
“ifyouwon’teat,thenatleastyoushouldrest.”
inod,andtakingmytea,iheadintothelibrary.it’smyrefuge.idigmy
blackberryoutofmypurseandcontemplatecallingchristian.iknowit’sa
shockforhim—buthereallydidoverreact.whendoeshenotoverreact?my
subconsciousarchesafinelypluckedbrowatme.isigh.fiftyshadesof
fuckedup.
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“yes,that’syourdaddy,littleblip.hopefullyhe’llcooloffandcomeback...
soon.”
ipullouttheleafletofdosanddon’tsandsitdowntoread.ican’t
concentrate.christian’sneverwalkedoutonmebefore.he’sbeenso
thoughtfulandkindoverthelastfewdays,solovingandnow...supposehe
nevercomesback?shit!perhapsishouldcallflynn.idon’tknowwhattodo.
i’mataloss.he’ssofragile,insomanyways,andiknewhe’dreactbadlyto
thenews.hewassosweetthisweekend.allthosecircumstancesway
beyondhiscontrol,yethemanagedfine.butthisnewswastoomuch.
eversinceimethim,mylifehasbeencomplicated.isithim?isitthetwoof
ustogether?supposehedoesn’tgetpastthis?supposehewantsa
porce?bilerisesinmythroat.no.imustn’tthinkthisway.he’llbeback.he
will.iknowhewill.iknowinspiteofalltheshoutingandhisharshwordshe
lovesme...yes.andhe’llloveyou,too,littleblip.
leaningbackinmychair,istarttodoze.
iwakecoldanddisorientated.shiveringicheckmywatch;eleveninthe
evening.ohyes...you.ipatmybelly.where’schristian?isheback?
stifflyieaseoutofthearmchairandgoinsearchofmyhusband.five
minuteslater,irealizehe’snothome.ihopenothing’shappenedtohim.
memoriesofthelongwaitwhencharlietangowentmissingfloodback.
no,no,no.stopthinkinglikethis.he’sprobablygoneto...where?who
wouldhegoandsee?elliot?ormaybehe’swithflynn.ihopeso.ifindmy
blackberrybackinthelibrary,anditexthim.
*whereareyou?*
iheadintothebathroomandrunmyselfabath.iamsocold.
hestillhasn’treturnedwheniclimboutofthebath.ichangeintooneofmy
1930s-stylesatinnightdressesandmyrobeandheadtothegreatroom.on
theway,ipopintothesparebedroom.perhapsthiscouldbe390|page
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littleblip’sroom.iamstartledbythethoughtandstandinthedoorway,
contemplatingthisreality.willwepaintitblueorpink?thesweetthoughtis
souredbythefactthatmyhusbandissopissedattheideaandisabsent.
grabbingtheduvetfromthesparebed,iheadintothegreatroomtokeep
vigil.
somethingwakesme.asound.
“shit!”
it’schristianinthefoyer.ihearthetablescrapeacrosstheflooragain.
“shit!”herepeats,moremuffledthistime.
iscrambleupintimetoseehimstaggerthroughthedoubledoors.he’s
drunk.myscalpprickles.shit,christiandrunk?iknowhowmuchhehates
drunks.ileapupandruntowardhim.
“christian,areyouokay?”
heleansagainstthejambofthefoyerdoors.“mrs.grey,”heslurs.crap.
he’sverydrunk.idon’tknowwhattodo.
“oh...youlookmightyfine,anastasia.”
“whereha一veyoubeen?”
heputshisfingerstohislipsandsmilescrookedlyatme.“shh!”
“ithinkyou’dbettercometobed.”
“withyou...”hesnickers.
snickering!frowning,igentlyputmyarmaroundhiswaistbecausehecan
hardlystand,letalonewalk.wherehashebeen?howdidhegethome?
“letmehelpyoutobed.leanonme.”
“youareverybeautiful,ana.”heleansontomeandsniffsmyhair,almost
knockingbothofusover.
“christian,walk.iamgoingtoputyoutobed.”
“okay,”hesaysasifhe’stryingtoconcentrate.
westumbledownthecorridorandfinallymakeitintothebedroom.
“bed,”hesays,grinning.
“yes,bed.”imaneuverhimtotheedge,butheholdsme.
“joinme,”hesays.
“christian,ithinkyouneedsomesleep.”
“andsoitbegins.i’veheardaboutthis.”
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ifrown.“heardaboutwhat?”
“babiesmeannosex.”
“i’msurethat’snottrue.otherwisewe’dallcomefromone-childfamilies.”
hegazesdownatme.“you’refunny.”
“you’redrunk.”
“yes.”hesmiles,buthissmilechangesashethinksaboutit,andahaunted
expressioncrosseshisface,alookthatchillsmetothebone.
“comeon,christian,”isaygently.ihatehisexpression.itspeaksofhorrid,
uglymemoriesthatnochildshouldsee.“let’sgetyouintobed.”ipushhim
gentlyandheflopsdownontothemattress,sprawlinginalldirectionsand
grinningupatme,hishauntedexpressiongone.
“joinme,”heslurs.
“let’sgetyouundressedfirst.”
hegrinswidely,drunkenly.“nowyou’retalking.”
holycow.drunkchristianiscuteandplayful.i’lltakehimovermad-as-hell
christiananytime.
“situp.letmetakeyourjacketoff.”
“theroomisspinning.”
shit...ishegoingtothrowup?“christian,situp!”
hesmirksupatme.“mrs.grey,youareabossylittlething...”
“yes.doasyou’retoldandsitup.”iputmyhandsonmyhips.hegrins
again,strugglesupontohiselbowsthensitsupinamostunchristian-like,
gawkyfashion.beforehecanflopdownagain,igrabhistieandwrestlehim
outofhisgrayjacket,onearmatatime.
“yousmellgood.”
“yousmellofhardliquor.”
“yes...bour-bon.”hepronouncesthesyllableswithsuchexaggerationthati
ha一vetostifleagiggle.discardinghisjacketonthefloorbesideme,imakea
startonhistie.herestshishandsonmyhips.
“ilikethefeelofthisfabriconyou,anastasia,”hesays,slurringhiswords.
“youshouldalwaysbeinsatinorsilk.”herunshishandsupanddownmy
hipsthenjerksmeforward,pressinghismouthagainstmybelly.
“andweha一veaninvaderinhere.”
istopbreathing.holycow.he’stalkingtolittleblip.
“you’regoingtokeepmeawake,aren’tyou?”hesaystomybelly.392|pa
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ohmy.christianlooksupatmethroughhislongdarklashes,grayeyes
blurredandcloudy.myheartconstricts.
“you’llchoosehimoverme,”hesayssadly.
“christian,youdon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.don’tberidiculous—i
amnotchoosinganyoneoveranyone.andhemightbeashe.”
hefrowns.“ashe...ohgod.”heflopsbackdownontothebedandcovers
hiseyeswithhisarm.iha一vemanagedtoloosenhistie.ibend,undoone
shoelace,andyankoffhisshoeandsock.imakeastartontheotherand
succeedinnotime.whenistand,iseewhyi’vemetnoresistance—
christianhaspassedoutcompletely.he’ssoundasleepandsnoringsoftly.
istareathim.he’ssogoddamnedbeautiful,evendrunkandsnoring.his
sculpturedlipsparted,onearmabovehishead,rufflinghismessyhair,his
facerelaxed.helooksyoung—butthenheisyoung;myyoung,stressedout,
drunk,unhappyhusband.thethoughtlieshea一vyinmyheart.well,atleast
he’shome.iwonderwherehewent.i’mnotsureiha一vetheenergyorthe
strengthtomovehimorundresshimanyfurther.he’sontopoftheduvet,
too.headingbackintothegreatroom,ipickuptheduvetiwasusingand
bringitbacktoourbedroom.
he’sstillfastasleep,stillwearinghistieandhisbelt.iclimbontothebed
besidehim,loosenhistiefurtherthenremoveitandgentlyundothetop
buttonofhisshirt.hemumblessomethingincoherentinhissleep,buthe
doesn’twake.carefully,iunbucklehisbeltandpullitthroughthebeltloops,
andaftersomedifficultyit’soff.hisshirthascomedislodgedfromhispants,
revealingahintofhishappytrail.ican’tresist.ibendandkissit.heshifts,
flexinghishipsforward,butstaysasleep.
isitupandgazeathimagain.ohfifty,fifty,fifty...whatamigoingtodo
withyou?ibrushmyfingersthroughhishair.it’ssosoft.ileandownandkiss
histemple.
“iloveyou,christian.evenwhenyou’redrunkandyou’vebeenoutgod
knowswhere,iloveyou.i’llalwaysloveyou.”
“hmmm,”hemurmurs.ikisshistempleoncemore,thengetoffthebed,and
coverhimupwiththespareduvet.icansleepbesidehim,sidewaysacross
thebed...yes,i’lldothat.
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fiftyshadesfreed
firsti’llsortouthisclothes,though.ishakemyheadandpickuphissocks
andtie,andfoldhisjacketovermyarm.asido,hisblackberryfallstothe
floor.ipickitupandinadvertentlyunlockit.itopensonthetextsscreen.ican
seemytext,andaboveit,another.fuck.myscalpprickles.
*itwasgoodtoseeyou.iunderstandnow.
don’tfret.you’llmakeawonderfulfather.*
it’sfromher.mrs.elenabitchtrollrobinson.shit.that’swherehewent.
he’sbeentoseeher.
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