onthebalconytwolighteddoorswereopennow—eileen’sandhis.herroomwasempty.therewasasoundofstrugglingfromhisandicamethroughthedoorinajumptofindherbendingoverthebedwrestlingwithhim.theblackgleamofagunshotupintotheair,twohands,alargemalehandandawoman’ssmallhandwerebothholdingit,neitherbythebutt.rogerwassittingupinbedandleaningforwardpushing.shewasinapalebluehousecoat,oneofthosequiltedthings,herhairwasalloverherfaceandnowshehadbothhandsonthegunandwithaquickjerkshegotitawayfromhim.iwassurprisedthatshehadthestrength,evendopeyashewas.hefellbackglaringandpantingandshesteppedawayandbumpedintome.

shestoodthereleaningagainstme,holdingthegunwithbothhandspressedhardagainstherbody.shewasrackedwithpantingsobs.ireachedaroundherbodyandputmyhandonthegun.

shespunaroundasifittookthattomakeherrealizeiwasthere.hereyeswidenedandherbodysaggedagainstme.sheletgoofthegun.itwasaheavyclumsyweapon,awebleydouble-actionhammerless.thebarrelwaswarm.iheldherwithonearm,droppedtheguninmypocket,andlookedpastherheadathim.nobodysaidanything.

thenheopenedhiseyesandthatwearysmileplayedonhislips.“nobodyhurt,”hemuttered.“justawildshotintotheceiling.”

ifelthergostiff.thenshepulledaway.hereyeswerefocusedandclear.ilethergo.

“roger,”shesaidinavoicenotmuchmorethanasickwhisper,“didithavetobethat?”

hestaredowlishly,lickedhislip,andsaidnothing.shewentandleanedagainstthedressingtable.herhandmovedmechanicallyandthrewthehairbackfromherface.sheshudderedoncefromheadtofoot,shakingherheadfromsidetoside.“roger,”shewhisperedagain.“poorroger.poormiserableroger.”

hewasstaringstraightupattheceilingnow.“ihadanightmare,”hesaidslowly.“somebodywithaknifewasleaningoverthebed.idon’tknowwho.lookedalittlelikecandy.couldn’tofbeencandy.”

“ofcoursenot,darling,”shesaidsoftly.sheleftthedressingtableandsatdownonthesideofthebed.sheputherhandoutandbegantostrokehisforehead.“candyhasgonetobedlongago.andwhywouldcandyhaveaknife?”

“he’samex.theyallhaveknives,”rogersaidinthesameremoteimpersonalvoice.“theylikeknives.andhedoesn’tlikeme.”

“nobodylikesyou,”isaidbrutally.

sheturnedherheadswiftly.“please—pleasedon’ttalklikethat.hedidn’tknow.hehadadream—”

“wherewasthegun?”igrowled,watchingher,notpayinganyattentiontohim.

“nighttable.inthedrawer.”heturnedhisheadandmetmystare.therehadn’tbeenanyguninthedrawer,andheknewiknewit.thepillshadbeeninthereandsomeoddsandends,butnogun.

“orunderthepillow,”headded.“i’mvagueaboutit.ishotonce—”heliftedaheavyhandandpointed—“upthere.”

ilookedup.thereseemedtobeaholeintheceilingplasterallright.iwentwhereicouldlookupatit.yes.thekindofholeabulletmightmake.fromthatgunitwouldgoonthrough,intotheattic.iwentbackclosetothebedandstoodlookingdownathim,givinghimthehardeye.

“nuts.youmeanttokillyourself.youdidn’thaveanynightmare.youwereswimminginaseaofself-pity.youdidn’thaveanyguninthedrawerorunderyourpilloweither.yougotupandgotthegunandgotbackintobedandthereyouwereallreadytowipeoutthewholemessybusiness.butidon’tthinkyouhadthenerve.youfiredashotnotmeanttohitanything.andyourwifecamerunning—that’swhatyouwanted.justpityandsympathy,pal.nothingelse.eventhestrugglewasmostlyfake.shecouldn’ttakeagunawayfromyouifyoudidn’twantherto.”

“i’msick,”hesaid.“butyoucouldberight.doesitmatter?”

“itmatterslikethis.they’dputyouinthepsychoward,andbelieveme,thepeoplewhorunthatplaceareaboutassympatheticasgeorgiachain-gangguards.”

eileenstoodupsuddenly.“that’senough,”shesaidsharply.“heissick,andyouknowit.”

“hewantstobesick.i’mjustremindinghimofwhatitwouldcosthim.”

“thisisnotthetimetotellhim.”

“goonbacktoyourroom.”

herblueeyesflashed.“howdareyou—”

“goonbacktoyourroom.unlessyouwantmetocallthepolice.thesethingsaresupposedtobereported.”

healmostgrinned.“yeah,callthepolice,”hesaid,“likeyoudidonterrylennox.”

ididn’tpayanyattentiontothat.iwasstillwatchingher.shelookedexhaustednow,andfrail,andverybeautiful.themomentofflashingangerwasgone.iputahandoutandtouchedherarm.“it’sallright,”isaid.“hewon’tdoitagain.gobacktobed.”

shegavehimalonglookandwentoutoftheroom.whentheopendoorwasemptyofherisatdownonthesideofthebedwhereshehadbeensitting.

“morepills?”

“nothanks.itdoesn’tmatterwhetherisleep.ifeelalotbetter.”

“didihitrightaboutthatshot?itwasjustacrazybitofacting?”

“moreorless.”heturnedhisheadaway.“iguessiwaslightheaded.”

“nobodycanstopyoufromkillingyourself,ifyoureallywantto.irealizethat.sodoyou.”

“yes.”hewasstilllookingaway.“didyoudowhatiaskedyou—thatstuffinthetypewriter?”

“uhhuh.i’msurprisedyouremember.it’sprettycrazywriting.funnything,it’sclearlytyped.”

“icanalwaysdothat—drunkorsober—uptoapointanyway.”

“don’tworryaboutcandy,”isaid.“you’rewrongabouthisnotlikingyou.andiwaswrongtosaynobodydid.iwastryingtojareileen,makehermad.”

“why?”