lackofself-preservation.idon’twanttohurtyou.”
“no...don’tstop,”iwhimper.hestaresatme,warringwithhimself.
“please.”
“here.”abruptlyhemoves,andi’msittingastridehim,myshortskirtnow
buncheduparoundmyhips.hishandsglideoverthetopofmythigh-highs.
“there.that’sbetter,andicanenjoytheview.”hereachesupandhookshis
longindexfingerintomyotherbracup,freeingthatbreast,too.hegrasps
bothofmybreasts,andithrowmyheadback,pushingthemintohis
welcome,experthands.heteasesme,tuggingandrollingmynipplesuntili
cryout,thensitsupsowe’renosetonose,hisgreedygrayeyesonmine.he
kissesme,hisfingersstillteasingme.iscrambleforhisshirt,undoingthe
firsttwobuttons,andit’slikesensoryoverload—iwanttobekissinghim
everywhere,undressinghim,makinglovewithhimallatonce.
“hey—”hegentlygraspsmyheadandpullsback,eyesdarkandfullof
sensualpromise.“there’snorush.takeitslow.iwanttosa一voryou.”
“christian,it’sbeensolong.”i’mpanting.
“slow,”hewhispers,andit’sacommand.hekissestherightcornerofmy
mouth.“slow.”hekissestheleftcorner.“slow,baby.”hetugsmybottomlip
withhisteeth.“let’stakethisslow.”heunfurlshisfingersinmyhair,keeping
meinplaceashistongueinvadesmymouth,seeking,tasting,calming...
inflaming.oh,mymancankiss.icaresshisface,myfingersmoving
tentativelydowntohischinthentohisthroat,andistartagainonthebuttons
ofhisshirt,takingmytime,ashecontinuestokissme.slowlyipullhisshirt
ofhisshirt,takingmytime,ashecontinuestokissme.slowlyipullhisshirt
apart,myfingerstrailingoverhiscla一vicles,feelingtheirwayacrosshiswarm,
silkyskin.ipushhimgentlybackuntilhe’slyingbeneathme.sittingup,i
gazedownathim,awarethati’msquirmingagainsthisgrowingerection.
hmm.itracemyfingersacrosshislipstohisjawthendownhisneck,over
hisadam’sappletothatlittledipatthebaseofhisthroat.mybeautifulman.
ileandown,andmykissesfollowthetipsofmyfingers.myteethgrazehis
jawandkisshisthroat.hecloseshiseyes.
“ah.”hegroansandtiltshisheadback,givingmeeasieraccesstothebase
ofhisthroat,hismouthslackandopeninsilentveneration.487|page
fiftyshadesfreed
christianlostandarousedisjustsoexhilarating...andsoarousingtome.
mytonguetrailsdownhissternum,twirlingthroughhischesthair.hmm.he
tastessogood.hesmellssogood.intoxicating.ikissfirstone,thentwoof
hissmallroundscars,andhegraspsmyhips,somyfingershaltonhischest
asigazedownathim.hisbreathingisharsh.
“youwantthis?here?”hebreathes,hiseyeshoodedwithaheady
combinationofloveandlust.
“yes,”imurmur,andmylipsandtonguegrazeacrosshischesttohisnipple.i
pullandrollitgentlywithmyteeth.
“oh,ana,”hewhispersandcirclingmywaistheliftsme,tuggingathisbutton
andflysohespringsfree.hesitsmedownagain,andipushagainsthim,
delightinginthefeelofhimhotandhardbeneathme.herunshishandsup
mythighs,pausingwheremythigh-highsstopandmyfleshbegins,hishands
runningsmallteasingcirclesatthetopofmythighssothatthetipsofhis
thumbstouchme...touchmewhereiwanttobetouched.igasp.
“ihopeyou’renotattachedtoyourunderwear,”hemurmurs,hiseyeswild
andbright.hisfingerstracetheelasticalongmybellythenslideinside,
teasingme,beforegrabbingmypantiestightlyandpushinghisthumbs
throughthedelicatematerial.mypantiesdisintegrate.hishandssplayouton
mythighs,andhisthumbsbrushagainstmysexoncemore.heflexeshis
hipssohiserectionrubsagainstme.
“icanfeelhowwetyouare.”hisvoiceistingedwithcarnalappreciation,and
hesuddenlysitsup,hisarmaroundmywaistagain,sowe’renosetonose.
herubshisnoseagainstmine.
“we’regoingtotakethisslow,mrs.grey.iwanttofeelallofyou.”
heliftsme,andwithexquisite,frustrating,slowease,lowersmeontohim.i
feeleachblessedinchofhimfillme.
“ah—”imoanincoherentlyasireachouttoclasphisarms.itrytoliftmyself
offhimforsomewelcomefriction,butheholdsmeinplace.
“allofme,”hewhispers,andtiltshispelvis,pushinghimselfintomeallthe
way.ithrowmyheadbackandletoutastrangledcryofpurepleasure.
“letmehearyou,”hemurmurs.“no—don’tmove,justfeel.”
iopenmyeyes,mymouthfrozeninasilentah!andhe’sgazingatme,
hooded,licentiousgrayeyesintodazedblue.heshifts,rollinghis488|pag
e
eljames
hips,butholdsmeinplace.
igroan.hislipsareatmythroat,kissingme.
“thisismyfa一voriteplace.buriedinyou,”hemurmursagainstmyskin.
“please,move,”iplead.
“slow,mrs.grey.”heflexeshishipsagainandpleasureradiatesthrough
me.icuphisfaceandkisshim,consuminghim.
“loveme.please,christian.”
histeethskimmyjawuptomyear.“go,”hewhispers,andheliftsmeupand
down.myinnergoddessisunleashed,andipushhimdownontheground
andstarttomove,sa一voringthefeelingofhiminsideme...ridinghim...
ridinghimhard.withhishandsaroundmywaisthematchesmyrhythm.i
ha一vemissedthis...theheadyfeelingofhimbeneathme,insideme...the
sunonmyback,thesweetsmelloffallintheair,thegentleautumnalbreeze.
it’saheadyfusionofsenses:touch,taste,smell,andthesightofmybeloved
husbandbeneathme.
“oh,ana,”hegroans.eyesclosed,headback,mouthopen.ah...ilove
this.andinside,i’mbuilding...building...climbing...higher.christian’s
handsmovetomythighs,anddelicatelyhisthumbspressattheirapex,andi
explodearoundhimoverandoverandoverandover,andicollapse,
sprawledonhischestashecriesoutinturn,lettinggoandcallingoutmy
namewithloveandjoy.
hecuddlesmeagainsthischest,cradlingmyhead.hmm.closingmyeyes,
isa一vorthefeelofhisarmsaroundme.myhandisonhischest,feelingthe
steadybeatofhisheartasitslowsandcalms.ikissandnuzzlehim,and
marvelbrieflythatnotlongagohewouldnotha一veletmedothis.
“better?”hewhispers.iraisemyhead.he’sgrinningbroadly.
“much.you?”myansweringgrinreflectshis.
“i’vemissedyou,mrs.grey.”he’sseriousforamoment.
“me,too.”
“nomoreheroics,eh?”
“no,”ipromise.
“youshouldalwaystalktome,”hewhispers.
“backatyou,grey.”
489|page
fiftyshadesfreed
hesmirks.“fairpointwellmade.i’lltry.”hekissesmyhair.
“ithinkwe’regoingtobehappyhere,”iwhisper,closingmyeyesagain.
“yep.you,meand...blip.howdoyoufeel,incidentally?”
“fine.relaxed.happy.”
“good.”
“you?”
“yeah,allthosethings,”hemurmurs.
ilookupathim,tryingtogaugehisexpression.
“what?”heasks.
“youknow,you’reverybossywhenweha一vesex.”
“areyoucomplaining?”
“no.i’mjustwondering...yousaidyoumissedit.”
hestills,gazingatme.“sometimes,”hewhispers.
oh.“well,we’llha一vetoseewhatwecandoaboutthat,”imurmurandkiss
himlightlyonhislips,curlingaroundhimlikeavine.imagesofustogether,in
theplayroom;thetallis,thetable,onthecross,shackledtothebed...ilove
hiskinkyfuckery—ourkinkyfuckery.yes.icandothatstuff.icandothatfor
him,withhim.icandothatforme.myskintinglesasiremembertheriding
crop.
“iliketoplay,too,”imurmur,andglancingup,i’mtreatedtohisshysmile.
“youknow,i’dreallyliketotestyourlimits,”hewhispers.
“mylimitsforwhat?”
“pleasure.”
“oh,ithinki’dlikethat.”myinnergoddessdropsintoadeadfaint.
“well,maybewhenwegethome,”hewhispers,lea一vingthatpromisehanging
betweenus.
inuzzlehimoncemore.ilovehimso.
~o0o~
it’sbeentwodayssinceourpicnic.twodayssincethepromiseofwell,
maybewhenwegethomewasmade.christianisstilltreatingmelikei’m
madeofglass.hestillwon’tletmegotowork,soiha一vebeenworkingfrom
home.iputthestackofquerylettersi’vebeenreadingasideonmydeskand
sigh.christianandiha一ven’tbeenbackinthe490|page
eljames
playroomsinceisafeworded.andhe’ssaidhemissesit.well,sodoi...
especiallynowthathewantstoexploremylimits.iflush,thinkingwhatthat
couldpossiblyentail.iglanceatthebilliardtable...yesican’twaitto
explorethose.
mythoughtsareinterruptedbysoft,lyricalmusicthatfillstheapartment.
christianisplayingthepiano;notoneofhisusuallamentsbutasweet
melody,ahopefulmelody—onethatirecognize,butha一veneverheardhim
play.
itiptoetothearchwayofthegreatroomandwatchchristianatthepiano.it’s
dusk.theskyisanopulentpink,andthelightisreflectedoffhisburnished
copperhair.helookshisbeautifulbreathtakingself,concentratingashe
plays,unawareofmypresence.he’sbeensoforthcomingoverthelastfew
days,soattentive—offeringsmallinsightsintohisday,histhoughts,his
plans.it’sasifhe’sbreachedadamandstartedtalking.
iknowhe’llcometocheckonmeinafewminutes,anditgivesmeanidea.
excited,istealaway,hopingthathestillhasn’tnoticedme,andracetoour
room,strippingoffmyclothesasigo,untili’mwearingnothingbutpaleblue
lacepanties.ifindapalebluecamisoleandslipintoitquickly.itwillhidemy
bruise.pingintothecloset,ipulloutchristian’sfadedjeans—hisplayroom
jeans,myfa一voritejeans—fromthedrawer.frommybedsidetableipickup
myblackberry,foldthejeansneatly,andkneelbythebedroomdoor.the
doorisajar,andicanhearthestrainsofanotherpiece,oneidon’tknow.but
it’sanotherhopefultune;it’slovely.quicklyitypeanemail.
from:anastasiagrey
subject:myhusband’spleasure
date:september21,201120:45
to:christiangrey
sir
iawaityourinstructions.
yoursalways
491|page
fiftyshadesfreed
mrs.gx
ipresssend.
afewmomentslaterthemusicstopsabruptly.myheartlurchesandstarts
pounding.iwaitandwaitandeventuallymyblackberrybuzzes.
from:christiangrey
subject:myhusband’spleasure<---lovethistitlebabydate:september
21,201120:48
to:anastasiagrey
mrs.g
i’mintrigued.i’lcomefindyou.
beready.
christiangrey
anticipativeceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
beready!myheartstartstopoundandibegintocount.thirtysevenseconds
laterthedooropens.i’mlookingdownathisbarefeetastheypauseonthe
threshold.hmm.hesaysnothing.forageshesaysnothing.ohshit.iresist
theurgetolookupathimandkeepmyeyesdowncast.
finally,hereachesdownandpicksuphisjeans.hestayssilentbutheads
intothewalk-inclosetwhileiremainstock-still.ohmy...thisisit.myheart
isthundering,andirelishtherushofadrenalinethatspikesthroughmybody.
isquirmasmyexcitementbuilds.whatwillhedotome?afewmoments
laterhe’sback,wearingthejeans.
“soyouwanttoplay?”hemurmurs.
“yes.”
hesaysnothing,andiriskaquickglance...uphisjeans,hisdenimclad
thighs,thesoftbulgeathisfly,theopenbuttonatthewaist,hishappytrail,his
na一vel,hischiseledabdomen,hischesthair,hisgrayeyesblazing,andhis
headcockedtooneside.he’sarchingan492|page
eljames
eyebrow.ohshit.
“yeswhat?”hewhispers.
oh.
“yes,sir.”
hiseyessoften.“goodgirl,”hemurmurs,andhecaressesmyhead.
“ithinkwe’dbettergetyouupstairsnow,”headds.myinsidesliquefy,andmy
bellyclenchesinthatdeliciousway.
hetakesmyhandandifollowhimthroughtheapartmentandupthestairs.
outsidetheplayroomdoor,hehaltsandbendsandkissesmegentlybefore
graspingmyhairhard.
“youknow,you’retoppingfromthebottom,”hemurmursagainstmylips.
“what?”idon’tunderstandwhathe’stalkingabout.
“don’tworry.i’lllivewithit,”hewhispers,amused,andherunshisnosealong
myjawandgentlybitesmyear.“onceinside,kneel,likei’veshownyou.”
“yes...sir.”
hegazesdownatme,eyesshiningwithlove,wonder,andwickedthoughts.
jeez...lifeisnevergoingtobeboringwithchristian,andi’minthisforthe
longhaul.ilovethisman:myhusband,mylover,fatherofmychild,my
sometimesdominant...myfiftyshades.
493|page
fiftyshadesfreed
epilogue
thebighouse,may2014
ilieonourtartanpicnicblanketandgazeupattheclear,blue,summersky,
myviewframedbymeadowflowersandtallgreengrasses.theheatofthe
afternoonsummersunwarmsmyskin,mybonesandmybelly,andirelax,
mybodyturningtojell-o.thisiscomfortable.hellno...thisiswonderful.i
sa一vorthemoment,amomentofpeace,amomentofpureandutter
contentment.ishouldfeelguiltyforfeelingthisjoy,thiscompleteness,buti
don’t.liferighthererightnowisgood,andi’velearnedtoappreciateitand
liveinthemomentlikemyhusband.ismileandsquirmasmyminddriftsto
thedeliciousmemoryoflastnightatourhomeinescala...
~o0o~
thestrandsofthefloggerskimacrossmyswollenbellyatanaching,
languorouspace.
“ha一veyouhadenoughyet,ana?”christianwhispersinmyear.
“oh,please.”ibeg,pullingontherestraintsabovemyheadasistand
blindfoldedandtetheredtothegridintheplayroom.theflogger’ssweet
stingbitesintomybehind.
“pleasewhat?”
igasp.“please,sir.”
christianplaceshishandovermyringingskinandrubsgently.
“there.there.there.”hiswordsaresoft.hishandmovessouthandaround,
andhisfingersslideinsideme.
igroan.
igroan.
“mrs.grey,”hebreathes,andhisteethpullatmyearlobe.“you’resoready.”
hisfingersslideinandoutofme,hittingthatspot,thatsweet,sweetspot
again.thefloggerclattersontothefloorandhishandmovesover494|pa
ge
eljames
mybellyanduptomybreasts.itense.theyaresensitive.
“hush,”christiansays,cuppingone,andhegentlybrusheshisthumbover
mynipple.
“ah.”
hisfingersaregentleandenticing,andpleasurespiralsoutfrommybreast,
down,down...deepdown.itiltmyheadback,pushingmynippleintohis
palm,andmoanoncemore.
“iliketohearyou,”christianwhispers.hiserectionisatmyhip,thebuttons
ofhisflypressingintomyfleshashisfingerscontinuetheirrelentlessassault:
in,out,in,out—keepingarhythm.“shallimakeyoucomelikethis?”heasks.
“no.”
hisfingersstopmovinginsideme.
“really,mrs.grey?isituptoyou?”hisfingerstightenaroundmynipple.
“no...no,sir.”
“that’sbetter.”
“ah.please,”ibeg.
“whatdoyouwant,anastasia?”
“you.always.”
heinhalessharply.
“allofyou,”iadd,breathless.
heeaseshisfingersoutofme,pullsmearoundtofacehim,andremoves
theblindfold.iblinkupintodarkeninggrayeyesthatburnintomine.hisindex
fingerstracemybottomlip,andhepusheshisindexandmiddlefingersinto
mymouth,lettingmetastethesaltytangofmyarousal.
“suck,”hewhispers.iswirlmytonguearoundandbetweenhisfingers.
hmm...evenitastegoodonhisfingers.
hishandsskimupmyarmstothecuffsabovemyhead,andheunclipsthem,
freeingme.turningmearoundsoi’mfacingthewall,hetugsonmybraid,
pullingmeintohisarms.heanglesmyheadtoonesideandskimshislips
upmythroattomyearwhileholdingmeflushagainsthim.
“iwantinyourmouth.”hisvoiceissoftandseductive.mybody,ripeand
ready,clenchesdeepinside.thepleasureissweetandsharp.495|page
fiftyshadesfreed
imoan.turningtofacehim,ipullhisheaddowntomineandkisshimhard,
mytongueinvadinghismouth,tastingandsa一voringhim.hegroans,places
hishandsonmybehindandtugsmeagainsthim,butonlymypregnantbelly
toucheshim.ibitehisjawandtrailkissesdownhisthroatandrunmyfingers
downtohisjeans.hetiltshisheadback,exposingmoreofhisthroattome,
andirunmytonguedowntohischestandthroughhischesthair.
“ah.”
itugthewaistbandofhisjeans,thebuttonspopping,andhegraspsmy
shouldersasisinktomykneesinfrontofhim.asigazeupathimthrough
mylashes,hestaresdownatme.hiseyesaredark,hislipsparted,andhe
inhalesdeeplywhenifreehimandensnarehimwithmymouth.ilovedoing
thistochristian.watchinghimcomeapart,hearinghisbreathhitch,andthe
softmoanshemakesdeepinhisthroat.iclosemyeyesandsuckhard,
pressingdownonhim,relishinghistasteandhisbreathlessgasp.he
graspsmyhead,stillingme,andisheathmyteethwithmylipsandpushhim
deeperintomymouth.
“openyoureyesandlookatme,”heorders,hisvoicelow.blazingeyes
meetmineandheflexeshiships,fillingmymouthtothebackofmythroat
thenwithdrawingquickly.hepushesintomeagainandireachuptograb
him.hestopsandholdsmeinplace.
“don’ttouchori’llcuffyouagain.ijustwantyourmouth,”hegrowls.
ohmy.likethatisit?iputmyhandsbehindmybackandgazeupathim
innocently,hiscockinmymouth.
“goodgirl,”hesays,smirkingdownatme,hisvoicehoarse.heeasesback,
andholdingmegentlybutfirmly,hepushesintomeagain.
“youha一vesuchafuckablemouth,mrs.grey.”hecloseshiseyesandeases
intomymouthasisqueezehimbetweenmylips,runningmytongueoverand
aroundhim.itakehimdeeperandwithdraw,againandagainandagain,the
airhissingbetweenhisteeth.
“ah!stop,”hesays,andhepullsoutofme,lea一vingmewantingmore.he
graspsmyshouldersandpullsmetomyfeet.grabbingmybraid,hekisses
mehard,hispersistenttonguegreedyandgivingatonce.suddenlyhe
releasesme,andbeforeiknowit,he’sliftedmeintohisarmsandmoved
overtothefour-poster.gently,helaysmedown496|page
eljames
sothatmybehindisjustontheedgeofthebed.
“wrapyourlegsaroundmywaist,”heorders.idoasi’mbidandpullhim
towardme.heleansdown,handseithersideofmyhead,andstillstanding,
veryslowlyeaseshimselfintome.
oh,thatfeelssogood.iclosemyeyesandrevelinhisslowpossession.
“okay?”heasks,hisconcernevidentinhistone.
“oh,god,christian.yes.yes.please.”itightenmylegsaroundhimand
pushagainsthim.hegroans.iclasphisarms,andheflexeshishipsslowly
atfirst,in,out.
“christian,please.harder—iwon’tbreak.”
hegroansandstartstomove,reallymove,poundingintomeagainand
again.oh,it’shea一venly.
“yes,”igasp,tighteningmyholdonhimasistarttobuild...hemoans,
grindingintomewithreneweddetermination...andi’mclose.oh,please.
don’tstop.
“comeon,ana,”hegroansthroughgrittedteeth,andiexplodearoundhim,
myorgasmgoingonandonandon.icallouthisnameandchristianstills,
groaningloudly,asheclimaxesinsideme.
“ana,”hecries.
christianliesbesideme,hishandcaressingmybelly,hislongfingers
splayedoutwide.
“how’smydaughter?”
“she’sdancing.”ilaugh.
“dancing?ohyes!wow.icanfeelher.”hegrinsasbliptwosomersaults
insideme.
“ithinkshelikessexalready.”
christianfrowns.“really?”hesaysdryly.hemovessohislipsareagainst
mybump.“there’llbenoneofthatuntilyou’rethirty,younglady.”
igiggle.“oh,christian,youaresuchahypocrite.”
“no,i’mananxiousfather.”hegazesupatme,hisbrowfurrowedbetraying
hisanxiety.
“you’reawonderfulfather,asiknewyouwouldbe.”icaresshislovelyface,
andhegivesmehisshysmile.
497|page
fiftyshadesfreed
“ilikethis,”hemurmursstrokingthenkissingmybelly.“there’smoreofyou.”
ipout.“idon’tlikemoreofme.”
“it’sgreatwhenyoucome.”
“christian!”
“andi’mlookingforwardtothetasteofbreastmilkagain.”
“christian!youaresuchakinky—”
heswoopsonmesuddenly,kissingmehard,throwinghislegovermine,
andgrabbingmyhandssotheyareabovemyhead.“youlovethekinky
fuckery,”hewhispers,andherunshisnosedownmine.igrin,caughtinhis
infectious,wickedsmile.“yes,ilovethekinkyfuckery.andiloveyou.very
much.”
~o0o~
ijerkawake,wokenbyahigh-pitchedsquealofdelightfrommyson,and
eventhoughican’tseehimorchristian,igrinlikeanidiotwithmyglee.ted
haswokenfromhisnap,andheandchristianarerompingnearby.ilie
quietly,stillmarvelingatchristian’scapacityforplay.hispatiencewith
teddyisextraordinary—muchmoresothanwithme.isnort.butthen,that’s
howitshouldbe.andmybeautifullittleboy,theappleofhismotherand
father’seyes,knowsnofear.christian,ontheotherhand,isstillfartoo
overprotective—ofbothofus.mysweet,mercurial,controllingfifty.
“let’sfindmommy.she’shereinthemeadowsomewhere.”
tedsayssomethingidon’thear,andchristianlaughsfreely,happily.it’sa
magicalsound,filledwithhispaternaljoy.ican’tresist.istruggleupontomy
elbowstospyonthemfrommyhidingplaceinthelonggrass.
christianisswingingtedaroundandaround,makinghimsquealoncemore
indelight.hestops,launcheshimhighintotheair––istopbreathing––then
hecatcheshim.tedshriekswithchildishabandonandibreatheasighof
relief.ohmylittleman,mydarlinglittleman,alwaysonthego.
“‘gain,daddy!”hesqueals.christianobliges,andmyheartleapsintomy
mouthoncemoreashetossesteddyintotheairthencatcheshimagain,
clutchinghimclose.christiankissested’scopper-colored498|page
eljames
hair,andblowsakissonhischeek.teddyisoblivious.hesquirms,pushing
christian’schestandwantingoutofhisarms.grinning,christiansetshimon
theground.
“let’sfindmommy.she’shidinginthegrass.”
tedbeams,enjoyingthegame,andlooksaroundthemeadow.grasping
christian’shand,hepointstosomewherei’mnot,anditmakesmegiggle.i
liebackdownquickly,delightinginthisgame.
“ted,iheardmommy.didyouhearher?”
“mommy!”
igiggle-snortatted’simperioustone.jeez—solikehisdad,andhe’sonly
two.
“teddy!”icallback,gazinguptheskywitharidiculousgrinonmyface.
“mommy!”
alltoosooniheartheirfootstepstramplingthroughthemeadow,andfirst
tedthenchristianburststhroughthelonggrass.
“mommy!”tedscreechesasifhe’sfoundthelosttreasureofthesierra
madreandheleapsontome.
“hey,babyboy!”icradlehimagainstmeandkisshischubbycheek.he
gigglesandkissesmeinreturn,thenstrugglesoutofmyarms.
“hello,mommy.”christiansmilesdownatme.
“hello,daddy.”igrinupathim.heleansdown,pickstedup,andsitsdown
besidemewithoursoninhislap.
“gentlywithmommy,”headmonishested.ismirk—theironyisnotloston
me.fromhispocket,christianproduceshisblackberryandgivesittoted.
thiswillprobablywinusfiveminutes’peace,maximum.teddystudiesit,his
littlebrowfurrowed.helookssoserious,blueeyesconcentratinghard,just
likehisdaddydoeswhenhereadshise-mails.christiannuzzlested’shair,
andmyheartswellstolookatthemboth.twopeasinapod:mysonsitting
quietly—forafewmomentsatleast—inmyhusband’slap.mytwofa一vorite
meninthewholeworld.
ofcourse,tedisthemostbeautifulandtalentedchildontheplanet,butthen
iamhismothersoiwouldthinkthat.andchristianis...well,christianisjust
himself.inwhitet-shirtandjeans,helooksashotasusual.whatdididoto
winsuchaprize?
499|page
fiftyshadesfreed
“youlookwell,mrs.grey.”
“asdoyou,mr.grey.”
“isn’tmommypretty?”christianwhispersinted’sear.tedswatshimaway,
moreinterestedindaddy’sblackberry.
igiggle.“youcan’tgetaroundhim.”
“iknow.”christiangrinsandkissested’shair.“ican’tbelievehe’llbetwo
tomorrow.”histoneiswistful.reachingacross,hespreadshishandover
mybump.“let’sha一velotsofchildren,”hesays.
“onemoreatleast.”igrin,andhecaressesmybelly.
“howismydaughter?”
“she’sgood.asleep,ithink.”
“hello,mr.grey.hi,ana.”
webothturntoseesophie,taylor’sten-year-olddaughter,appearoutofthe
longgrass.
“soeee,”tedsquealswithdelightedrecognition.hestrugglesoutof
christian’slap,discardingtheblackberry.
“iha一vesomepopsiclesfromgail,”sophiesays.“canigiveonetoted?”
“sure.”isay.ohdear,thisisgoingtobemessy.
“pop!”tedholdsouthishandsandsophiepassesonetohim.it’sdripping
already.
“here—letmommysee.”isitup,takethepopsiclefromted,andquicklyslip
itintomymouth,lickingofftheexcessjuice.hmm...cranberry,cooland
delicious.
“mine!”tedprotests,hisvoiceringingwithindignation.
“hereyougo.”ihandhimbackaslightlylessrunnypopsicle,anditgoes
straightintohismouth.hegrinsatme.
“cantedandigoforawalk?”sophieasks.
“sure.”
“don’tgotoofar,”christianadds.
“no,mr.grey.”sophie’shazeleyesarewideandserious.ithinkshe’salittle
frightenedofchristian.sheholdsherhandout,andteddytakesitwillingly.
theytrudgeawaytogetherthroughthelonggrass.christianwatchesthem.
“they’llbefine,christian.whatharmcouldcometothemhere?”
hefrownsatmemomentarily,andicrawloverandintohislap.
“besides,tediscompletelysmittenwithsophie.”
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christiansnortsandnuzzlesmyhair.“she’sadelightfulchild.”
“sheis.sopretty,too.ablondeangel.”
christianstillsandplaceshishandsonmybelly.“girls,eh?”
there’sahintoftrepidationinhisvoice.icurlmyhandbehindhishead.
“youdon’tha一vetoworryaboutyourdaughterforatleastanotherthree
months.iha一vehercoveredhere.okay?”
hekissesmebehindmyearandscrapeshisteetharoundtheedgetothe
lobe.
“whateveryousay,mrs.grey.”thenhebitesme.iyelp.
“ienjoyedlastnight,”hesays.“weshoulddothatmoreoften.”
“me,too.”
“andwecould,ifyoustoppedworking...”
irollmyeyesandhetightenshisarmsaroundmeandgrinsintomyneck.
“areyourollingyoureyesatmemrs.grey?”histhreatisimplicitbutsensual,
makingmesquirm,butaswe’reinthemiddleofthemeadowwiththekids
nearby...iignorehisinvitation.
“greypublishinghasanauthorinthenewyorktimesbestsellers—
boycefox’ssalesarephenomenal,thee-booksideofourbusinesshas
exploded,andifinallyha一vetheteamiwantaroundme.”
“andyou’remakingmoneyinthesedifficulttimes,”christianadds,hisvoice
reflectinghispride.“but...ilikeyoubarefootandpregnantandinmy
reflectinghispride.“but...ilikeyoubarefootandpregnantandinmy
kitchen.”
ileanbacksoicanseehisface.hegazesdownatme,eyesbright.
“ilikethat,too,”imurmur.leaningdown,hekissesme,hishandsstillspread
acrossmybump.
seeinghe’sinagoodmood,idecidetobroachadelicatesubject.
“ha一veyouthoughtanymoreaboutmysuggestion?”iask.hestills.“ana,the
answerisno.”
“butellaissuchalovelyname.”
“iamnotcallingmydaughteraftermymother.no.endofdiscussion.”
“areyousure?”
“yes.”graspingmychin,hegazesearnestlydownatme,radiating
exasperation.“ana,giveitup.idon’twantmydaughtertaintedbymypast.”
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“okay.i’msorry.”shit...idon’twanttoangerhim.
“that’sbetter.stoptryingtofixit,”hemutters.“yougotmetoadmitiloved
her,youdraggedmetohergra一ve.enough.”
ohno.itwistinhislaptostraddlehimandgrasphisheadinmyhands.
“i’msorry.really.don’tbeangrywithme,please.”leaningforward,ikiss
him.thenkissthecornerofhismouth.afterabeat,hepointstotheother
corner,andismileandkissit.hepointstohisnose.ikissthat.hegrinsand
placeshishandsonmybackside.
“oh,mrs.grey—whatamigoingtodowithyou?”
“i’msureyou’llthinkofsomething,”imurmur.hegrinsand,twistingsuddenly,
hepushesmedownontotheblanket.
“howaboutidoitnow?”hewhisperswithasalacioussmile.
“christian!”igasp.
suddenlythere’sahigh-pitchedcryfromted.christianleapstohisfeetwith
apanther’seasygraceandracestowardthesourceofthesound.ifollowat
amoreleisurelypace.secretly,i’mnotasconcernedaschristian—itwas
notacrythatwouldmakemetakethestairstwoatatimetofindoutwhat’s
wrong.
christianswingsteddyupintohisarms.ourlittleboyiscryinginconsolably
andpointingtotheground,wheretheremainsofhispopsiclelieinasoggy
mess,meltingintothegrass.
“hedroppedit.”sophiesays,sadly.“hecouldha一vehadmine,buti’ve
finishedit.”
“oh,sophiedarling,don’tworry.”istrokeherhair.
“mommy!”tedwails,holdinghishandsouttome.christianreluctantlylets
himgoasireachforhim.
“there,there.”
“pop,”hesobs.
“iknow,babyboy.we’llgoseemrs.taylorandgetanotherone.”ikisshis
head...oh,hesmellssogood.hesmellsofmybabyboy.
“pop,”hesniffs.itakehishandandkisshisstickyfingers.
“icantasteyourpopsiclehereonyourfingers.”
tedstopscryingandexamineshishand.
“putyourfingersinyourmouth.”
hedoes.
“pop!”
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“yes.popsicle.”
hegrinsatme.mymercuriallittleboy,justlikehisdad.well,atleasthehas
anexcuse—he’sonlytwo.
“shallwegoseemrs.taylor?”henods,smilinghisbeautifulbabysmile.
“willyouletdaddycarryyou?”heshakeshisheadandwrapshisarms
aroundmyneck,huggingmetightly,hisfacepressedagainstmythroat.
“ithinkdaddywantstotastepopsicle,too,”iwhisperinted’slittleear.ted
frownsatme,thenlooksathishandandholdsitouttochristian.christian
smilesandputsted’sfingersinhismouth.
“hmm...tasty.”
tedgigglesandreachesup,wantingchristiantoholdhim.christiangrinsat
meandtakestedinhisarms,settlinghimonhiship.
“sophie,where’sgail?”
“shewasinthebighouse.”
iglanceatchristian.hissmilehasturnedbittersweet,andiwonderwhat
he’sthinking.
“you’resogoodwithhim,”hemurmurs.
“thislittleone?”iruffleted’shair.“it’sonlybecauseiha一vethemeasureof
yougreymen.”ismirkatmyhusband.
helaughs.“yes,youdo,mrs.grey.”
teddysquirmsoutofchristian’shold.nowhewantstowalk,mystubborn
littleman.itakeoneofhishands,andhisdadtakestheother,andtogether
weswingteddybetweenusallthewaybacktothehouse,sophieskipping
alonginfrontofus.
iwa一vetotaylorwho,onarareday-off,isoutsidethegarage,dressedin
jeansandawife-beater,ashetinkerswithanoldmotorbike.
~o0o~
ipauseoutsidethedoortoted’sroomandlistenaschristianreadstoted.
“iamthelorax!ispeakforthetrees...”2??
whenipeekin,teddyisfastasleepwhilechristiancontinuestoread.he
glancesupwheniopenthedoorandclosesthebook.heputshisfingerto
hislips,andswitchesonthebabymonitorbesideted’s2dr.seuss.the
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crib.leaningoverthecrib,headjuststed’sbedclothes,strokeshischeek,
thenstraightensup,andtiptoesovertomewithoutmakingasound.it’shard
nottogiggleathim.
outinthehallway,christianpullsmeintohisembrace.
“god,ilovehim,butit’sgreatwhenhe’sasleep,”hemurmursagainstmy
lips.
“icouldn’tagreewithyoumore.”
hegazesdownatme,eyessoft.“icanhardlybelievehe’sbeenwithusfor
twoyears.”
“iknow.”ikisshim,andforamoment,i’mtransportedbacktoteddy’sbirth:
theemergencycaesarian,christian’scripplinganxiety,dr.greene’snononsense
calmwhenmylittleblipwasindistress.ishudderinwardlyatthe
memory.
~o0o~
“mrs.grey,you’vebeeninlaborforfifteenhoursnow.yourcontractionsha一ve
slowedinspiteofthepitocin.weneedtodoacsection—thebabyisin
distress.”dr.greeneisadamant.
“aboutfuckingtime!”christiangrowlsather.dr.greeneignoreshim.
“christian,quiet.”isqueezehishand.myvoiceislowandweakand
everythingisfuzzy—thewalls,themachines,thegreen-gownedpeople...i
justwanttogotosleep.butiha一vesomethingimportanttodofirst...ohyes.
“iwantedtopushhimoutmyself.”
“mrs.grey,please.c-section.”
“please,ana,”christianpleads.
“canisleepthen?”
“yes,baby,yes.”it’salmostasob,andchristiankissesmyforehead.
“iwanttoseethelil’blip.”
“youwill.”
“okay,”iwhisper.
“finally,”dr.greenemutters.“nurse,pagetheanesthesiologist.dr.miller,
prepforac-section.mrs.grey,wearegoingtomoveyoutotheor.”
“move?”christianandispeakatonce.
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“yes.now.”
andsuddenlywe’removing...quickly,thelightsontheceilingblurringinto
onelongbrightstripasi’mwhiskedacrossthecorridor.
“mr.grey,you’llneedtochangeintoscrubs.”
“what?”
“now,mr.grey.”
hesqueezesmyhandandreleasesme.
“christian,”icall,panicsettingin.
wearethroughanothersetofdoors,andinnotimeanurseissettingupa
screenacrossmychest...thedooropensandcloses,andthere’ssomany
peopleintheroom.it’ssoloud...iwanttogohome.
“christian?”isearchthefacesintheroomformyhusband.
“he’llbewithyouinamoment,mrs.grey.”
amomentlater,he’sbesideme,inbluescrubs.ireachforhishand.
“i’mfrightened,”iwhisper.
“no,baby,no.i’mhere.don’tbefrightened.notmystrongana.”
hekissesmyforehead,andicantellbythetoneofhisvoicethat
something’swrong.
“whatisit?”
“what?”
“what’swrong?”
“nothing’swrong.everything’sfine.baby,you’rejustexhausted.”
hiseyesburnwithfear.
“mrs.grey,theanesthesiologistishere.he’sgoingtoadjustyourepidural
andthenwecanproceed.”
“she’sha一vinganothercontraction.”
everythingtightenslikeasteelbandaroundmybelly.shit!icrushchristian’s
handasirideitout.thisiswhat’stiring—enduringthispain.iamsotired.i
canfeelthenumbingliquidspread...spreaddown.iconcentrateon
christian’sface.onthefurrowbetweenhisbrows.he’stense.he’sworried.
whyisheworried?
“canyoufeelthis,mrs.grey?”dr.greene’sdisembodiedvoiceiscoming
frombehindthecurtain.
“feelwhat?”
“youcan’tfeelit.”
“no.”
“good.dr.miller,let’sgo.”
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fiftyshadesfreed
“you’redoingwell,ana.”
christianispale.thereissweatonhisbrow.he’sscared.don’tbescared,
christian.don’tbescared.
“iloveyou,”iwhisper.
“ohana,”hesobs.“iloveyou,too,somuch.”
ifeelastrangepullingdeepinside.likenothingi’vefeltbefore.christian
looksoverthescreenandblanches,butstares,fascinated.
“what’shappening?”
“suction!good...”
suddenly,there’sapiercingangrycry.
“youha一veaboy,mrs.grey.checkhisapgar.”
“apgarisnine.”
“caniseehim?”igasp.
christiandisappearsfromviewforasecondandreappearsamomentlater,
holdingmyson,swathedinblue.hisfaceispink,andcoveredinwhitemush
andblood.mybaby.myblip...theodoreraymondgrey.
wheniglanceatchristian,hehastearsinhiseyes.
“here’syourson,mrs.grey,”hewhispers,hisvoicestrainedandhoarse.
“ourson,”ibreathe.“he’sbeautiful.”
“heis,”christiansaysandplantsakissonourbeautifulboy’sforehead
beneathashockofdarkhair.theodoreraymondgreyisoblivious.eyes
closed,hisearliercryingforgotten,he’sasleep.heisthemostbeautifulsight
iha一veeverseen.sobeautiful,ibegintoweep.
“thankyou,ana,”christianwhispers,andtherearetearsinhiseyestoo.
“whatisit?”christiantiltsmychinback.
“iwasjustrememberingted’sbirth.”
christianblanchesandcupsmybelly.
“iamnotgoingthroughthatagain.electivecaesarianthistime.”
“christian,i—”
“no,ana.younearlyfuckingdiedlasttime.no.”
“ididnotnearlydie.”
“no.”he’semphaticandnottobearguedwith,butashegazes506|page
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downatme,hiseyessoften.“ilikethenamephoebe,”hewhispers,andruns
hisnosedownmine.
“phoebegrey?phoebe...yes.ilikethat,too.”igrinupathim.
“good.iwanttosetupted’spresent.”hetakesmyhand,andwehead
downstairs.hisexcitementradiatesoffhim;christianhasbeenwaitingfor
thismomentallday.
“doyouthinkhe’lllikeit?”hisapprehensivegazemeetsmine.
“he’llloveit.forabouttwominutes.christian,he’sonlytwo.”
christianhasfinishedsettingupthewoodentrainsetheboughtteddyfor
hisbirthday.he’shadbarneyattheofficeconverttwoofthelittleenginesto
runonsolarpowerlikethehelicopteriga一vechristianafewyearsago.
christianseemsanxiousforthesuntorise.isuspectthat’sbecausehe
wantstoplaywiththetrainsethimself.thelayoutcoversmostofthestone
floorofouroutdoorroom.tomorrowwewillha一veafamilypartyforted.ray
andjoséwillbecomingandallthegrey’s,includingted’snewcousinava,
kateandelliot’stwo-month-olddaughter.ilookforwardtocatchingupwith
kateandseeinghowmotherhoodisagreeingwithher.igazeupattheview
asthesunsinksbehindtheolympicpeninsula.it’severythingchristian
promiseditwouldbe,andigetthesamejoyfulthrillseeingitnowasididthe
firsttime.it’ssimplystunning:twilightoverthesound.christianpullsmeinto
hisarms.
“it’squiteaview.”
“itis,”christiananswers,andwheniturntolookathim,he’sgazingdownat
me.heleansdownandplantsasoftkissonmylips.
“it’sabeautifulview,”hemurmurs.“myfa一vorite.”
“it’shome.”
hegrinsandkissesmeagain.“iloveyou,mrs.grey.”
“iloveyou,too,christian.always.”
theend
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