chaptertwenty-five

icanbarelybreathe.doiwanttohearthis?christiancloseshiseyesand

swallows.whenheopensthemagain,theyarebrightbutdiffident,fullof

disquietingmemories.

“itwasahotsummerday.iwasworkinghard.”hesnortsandshakeshis

head,suddenlyamused.“itwasbackbreakingworkshiftingthatrubble.iwas

onmyown,andele—mrs.lincolnappearedoutofnowhereandbroughtme

somelemonade.weexchangedsmalltalk,andimadesomesmart-ass

remark...andsheslappedme.sheslappedmesohard.”unconsciously,

hishandmovestohisfaceandhecaresseshischeek,hiseyescloudingat

thememory.holyshit!

“butthenshekissedme.andwhenshefinished,sheslappedmeagain.”he

blinks,seeminglystillconfoundedevenafterallthistime.

“i’dneverbeenkissedbeforeorhitlikethat.”

oh.shepounced.onakid.

“doyouwanttohearthis?”christiansasks.

yes...no...

“onlyifyouwanttotellme.”myvoiceissmallasiliefacinghim,mymind

reeling.

“i’mtryingtogiveyousomecontext.”

inodinwhatihopeisanencouragingmanner.butisuspectimaylooklikea

statue,frozenandwide-eyedwithshock.hefrowns,hiseyessearching

mine,tryingtogaugemyreaction.thenheturnsontohisbackandstaresup

attheceiling.

“well,naturally,iwasconfusedandangryandhornyashell.imean,ahot

olderwomancomesontoyoulikethat—”heshakeshisheadasifhestill

can’tbelieveit.

hot?ifeelqueasy.

“shewentbackintothehouse,lea一vingmeinthebackyard.sheactedasif

nothinghadhappened.iwasatatotalloss.soiwentbacktowork,loading

therubbleintothedumpster.whenileftthatevening,sheaskedmetocome

backthenextday.shedidn’tmentionwhathad467|page

fiftyshadesfreed

happened.sothenextdayiwentback.icouldn’twaittoseeheragain,”he

whispersasifit’sadarkconfession...becausefranklyitis.

“shedidn’ttouchmewhenshekissedme,”hemurmursandturnshishead

togazeatme.“youha一vetounderstand...mylifewashellonearth.iwasa

walkinghard-on,fifteenyearsold,tallformyage,hormonesraging.thegirls

atschool—”hestops,buti’vegotthepicture:ascared,lonely,butattractive

adolescent.myhearttwists.

“iwasangry,sofuckingangryateveryone;atmyself,myfolks.ihadno

friends.mytherapistatthetimewasatotalasshole.myfolks,theykeptme

onatightleash;theydidn’tunderstand.”hestaresbackupattheceilingand

runsahandthroughhishair.iitchtorunmyfingersthroughhishair,too,buti

staystill.

“ijustcouldn’tbearanyonetotouchme.icouldn’t.couldn’tbearanyonenear

me.iusedtofight...fuck,didifight.igotintosomegod-awfulbrawls.iwas

expelledfromacoupleofschools.butitwasawaytoletoffsteam.to

toleratesomekindofphysicalcontact.”hestopsagain.“well,yougetthe

idea.andwhenshekissedme,sheonlygrabbedmyface.shedidn’ttouch

me.”hisvoiceisbarelyaudible.shemustha一veknown.perhapsgracehad

toldher.oh,mypoorfifty.iha一vetofoldmyhandsbeneathmypillowand

restmyheadonitinordertoresisttheurgetoholdhim.

“well,thenextdayiwentbacktothehouse,notknowingwhattoexpect.and

i’llspareyouthegorydetails,buttherewasmoreofthesame.andthat’s

howourrelationshipstarted.”

ohfuck,thisispainfultohear.

heshiftsagainontohissidesohe’sfacingme.

“andyouknowsomething,ana?myworldcameintofocus.sharpandclear.

everything.itwasexactlywhatineeded.shewasabreathoffreshair.

makingthedecisions,takingallthatshitawayfromme,lettingmebreathe.”

holyshit.

“andevenwhenitallfinished,myworldstayedinfocusbecauseofher.and

itstayedthatwayuntilimetyou.”

whatthehellamisupposedtosaytothat?tentatively,hesmoothesastray

lockofmyhairbehindmyear.

“youturnedmyworldonitshead.”hecloseshiseyes,andwhenheopens

themagain,theyareraw.“myworldwasordered,calmand468|page

eljames

controlled,thenyoucameintomylifewithyoursmartmouth,yourinnocence,

yourbeauty,andyourquiettemerity...andeverythingbeforeyouwasjust

dull,empty,mediocre...itwasnothing.”

ohmy.

“ifellinlove,”hewhispers.

istopbreathing.hecaressesmycheek.

“sodidi,”imurmurwiththelittlebreathiha一veleft.hiseyessoften.“iknow,”

hemouths.

“youdo?”

“yes.”

hallelujah!ismileshylyathim.“finally,”iwhisper.henods.

“andit’sputeverythingintoperspectiveforme.wheniwasyounger,elena

wasthecenterofmyworld.therewasnothingiwouldn’tdoforher.andshe

didalotforme.shestoppedmydrinking.mademeworkhardatschool...

youknow,shega一vemeacopingmechanismihadn’thadbefore,allowed

metoexperiencethingsthatineverthoughticould.”

“touch,”iwhisper.

henods.“afterafashion.”

ifrown,wonderingwhathemeans.

hehesitatesatmyreaction.

tellme!iwillhim.

“ifyougrowupwithawhollynegativeself-image,thinkingyou’resomekind

ofreject,anunlovablesa一vage,youthinkyoudeservetobebeaten.”

christian...youarenoneofthosethings.

hepausesandrunshishandthroughhishair.“ana,it’smucheasiertowear

yourpainontheoutside...”again,it’saconfession.oh.

“shechanneledmyanger.”hismouthpressestogetherinableakline.

“mostlyinward—irealizethatnow.dr.flynn’sbeenonandonaboutthisfor

sometime.itwasonlyrecentlythatisawourrelationshipforwhatitwas.you

know...onmybirthday.”

ishudderastheunwelcomememoryofelenaandchristianverbally

evisceratingeachotheratchristian’sbirthdaypartysurfacesunwelcomein

mymind.

46一9|page

fiftyshadesfreed

“forherthatsideofourrelationshipwasaboutsexandcontrolandalonely

womanfindingsomekindofcomfortwithherboytoy.”

“butyoulikecontrol,”iwhisper.

“yes.ido.ialwayswill,ana.it’swhoiam.isurrendereditforabriefwhile.

letsomeonemakeallmydecisionsforme.icouldn’tdoitmyself—iwasn’t

inafitstate.butthroughmysubmissiontoher,ifoundmyselfandfoundthe

strengthtotakechargeofmylife...takecontrolandmakemyown

decisions.”

“becomeadom?”

“yes.”

“yourdecision?”

“yes.”

“droppingoutofharvard?”

“mydecision,anditwasthebestdecisionievermade.untilimetyou.”

“me?”

“yes.”hislipsquirkupinasoftsmile.“thebestdecisionievermadewas

marryingyou.”

ohmy.“notstartingyourcompany?”

heshakeshishead.

“notlearningtofly?”

heshakeshishead.“you,”hemouths.hecaressesmycheekwithhis

knuckles.“sheknew,”hewhispers.

ifrown.“sheknewwhat?”

“thatiwasheadoverheelsinlovewithyou.sheencouragedmetogodown

togeorgiatoseeyou,andi’mgladshedid.shethoughtyou’dfreakoutand

lea一ve.whichyoudid.”

ipale.i’drathernotthinkaboutthat.

“shethoughtineededallthetrappingsofthelifestyleienjoyed.”

“thedom?”iwhisper.

henods.“itenabledmetokeepeveryoneatarm’slength,ga一vemecontrol,

andkeptmedetached,orsoithought.i’msureyou’veworkedoutwhy,”he

addssoftly.

“yourbirthmom?”

“ididn’twanttobehurtagain.andthenyouleftme.”hiswordsarebarely

audible.“andiwasamess.”

ohno.

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eljames

“i’vea一voidedintimacyforsolong—idon’tknowhowtodothis.”

“you’redoingfine,”imurmur.itracehislipswithmyindexfinger.hepurses

themintoakiss.you’retalkingtome.

“doyoumissit?”iwhisper.

“missit?”

“thatlifestyle.”

“yes,ido.”

oh!

“butonlyinsofarasimissthecontrolitbrings.andfrankly,yourstupid

stunt”—hestops—“thatsa一vedmysister,”hewhispers,hiswordsfullofrelief,

awe,anddisbelief.“that’showiknow.”

“know?”

“reallyknowthatyouloveme.”

ifrown.“what?”

“becauseyouriskedsomuch...forme,formyfamily.”

myfrowndeepens.hereachesoverandtraceshisfingeroverthemiddleof

mybrowabovemynose.

“youha一veavherewhenyoufrown,”hemurmurs.“it’sverysofttokiss.ican

beha一vesobadly...andyetyou’restillhere.”

“whyareyousurprisedi’mstillhere?itoldyouiwasn’tgoingtolea一veyou.”

“becauseofthewaythatibeha一vedwhenyoutoldmeyouwerepregnant.”he

runshisfingerdownmycheek.“youwereright.iamanadolescent.”

ohshit...ididsaythat.mysubconsciousglaresatme.hisdoctorsaid

that!

“christian,isaidsomeawfulthings.”heputshisindexfingerovermylips.

“hush.ideservedtohearthem.besidesthisismybedtimestory.”

herollsontohisbackagain.

“whenyoutoldmeyouwerepregnant—”hestops.“i’dthoughtitwouldbe

justyouandmeforawhile.i’dconsideredchildren,butonlyintheabstract.i

hadthisvagueideawe’dha一veachildsometimeinthefuture.”

justone?no...notanonlychild.notlikeme.perhapsnow’snotthebest

timetobringthatup.

“youarestillsoyoung,andiknowyou’requietlyambitious.”

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fiftyshadesfreed

ambitious?me?

“well,youpulledtherugfromunderme.christ,wasthatunexpected.never

inamillionyears,wheniaskedyouwhatwaswrong,didiexpectyoutobe

pregnant.”hesighs.“iwassomad.madatyou.madatmyself.madat

everyone.andittookmeback,thatfeelingofnothingbeinginmycontrol.i

hadtogetout.iwenttoseeflynn,buthewasatsomeschoolparents’

evening.”christianpausesandarchesaneyebrow.

“ironic,”iwhisper.christiansmirksinagreement.

“soiwalkedandwalkedandwalked,andijust...foundmyselfatthesalon.

elenawaslea一ving.shewassurprisedtoseeme.and,truthbetold,iwas

surprisedtofindmyselfthere.shecouldtelliwasmadandaskedmeifi

wantedadrink.”

ohshit.we’vecuttothechase.myheartdoublesinspeed.doireallywant

toknowthis?mysubconsciousglaresatme,apluckedeyebrowraisedin

warning.

“wewenttoaquietbariknowandhadabottleofwine.sheapologizedfor

thewayshebeha一vedthelasttimeshesawus.she’shurtthatmymomwill

ha一venothingtodowithheranymore—it’snarrowedhersocialcircle—but

sheunderstands.wetalkedaboutthebusiness,whichisdoingfine,inspite

oftherecession...imentionedthatyouwantedkids.”

ifrown.what?“ithoughtyouletherknowiwaspregnant.”

heregardsme,hisfaceguileless.“no,ididn’t.”

“whydidn’tyoutellmethat?”

heshrugs.“inevergotthechance.”

“yes,youdid.”

“icouldn’tfindyouthenextmorning,ana.andwhenidid,youweresomadat

me...”

oh,yes.“iwas.”

“anyway,atsomepointintheevening—abouthalfwaythroughthesecond

bottle—sheleanedovertotouchme.andifroze,”hewhispers,throwinghis

armoverhiseyes.

myscalptingles.what’sthis?

“shesawthatirecoiledfromher.itshockedbothofus.”hisvoiceislow,too

low.

whywon’thelookatme?itugathisarmandhelowersit,turning472|pag

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eljames

togazeintomyeyes.shit.hisfaceispale,hiseyeswide.

“what?”ibreathe.

hefrowns,andswallows.

oh...whatisn’thetellingme?doiwanttoknow?

“shemadeapassatme.”he’sshocked,icantell.

allthebreathissuckedfrommybody.ifeelwinded,andithinkmyhearthas

stopped.thatfuckingbitchtroll!

“itwasamoment,suspendedintime.shesawmyexpression,andshe

realizedhowfarshe’dcrossedtheline.isaid...no.iha一ven’tthoughtofher

likethatforyears,andbesides”—heswallows—“iloveyou.itoldher,ilove

mywife.”

igazeathim.idon’tknowwhattosay.

“shebackedrightoff.apologizedagain,madeitseemlikeajoke.imean,

shesaidshe’shappywithisaacandwiththebusinessandshedoesn’tbear

eitherofusanyillwill.shesaidshemissedmyfriendship,butshecouldsee

thatmylifewaswithyounow.andhowawkwardthatwas,givenwhat

happenedlasttimewewereallinthesameroom.icouldn’tha一veagreedwith

hermore.wesaidourgoodbyes—ourfinalgoodbyes.isaidiwouldn’tsee

heragain,andshewentonherway.”

iswallow,feargrippingmyheart.“didyoukiss?”

“no!”hesnorts.“icouldn’tbeartobethatclosetoher.”

oh.good.

“iwasmiserable.iwantedtocomehometoyou.but...iknewi’dbeha一ved

badly.istayedandfinishedthebottle,thenstartedonthebourbon.whilei

wasdrinking,irememberyousayingtomesometimeago,‘ifthatwasmy

son...’andigottothinkingaboutjuniorandabouthowelenaandistarted.

anditmademefeel...uncomfortable.i’dneverthoughtofitlikethat

before.”

amemoryblossomsinmymind—awhisperedconversationfromwheniwas

halfconscious—christian’svoice:“butseeingherfinallyputitallin

perspectiveforme.youknow...withthechild.forthefirsttimeifelt...

whatwedid...itwaswrong.”he’dbeenspeakingtograce.

“that’sit?”

“prettymuch.”

“oh.”

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fiftyshadesfreed

“oh?”

“it’sover?”

“yes.it’sbeenoversinceilaideyesonyou.ifinallyrealizeditthatnightand

sodidshe.”

“i’msorry,”imutter.

hefrowns.“whatfor?”

“beingsoangrythenextday.”

hesnorts.“baby,iunderstandangry.”hepausesthensighs.“yousee,ana,i

wantyoutomyself.idon’twanttoshareyou.whatweha一ve,i’veneverhad

before.iwanttobethecenterofyouruniverse,forawhileatleast.”

oh,christian.“youare.that’snotgoingtochange.”

hegivesmeanindulgent,sad,resignedsmile.“ana,”hewhispers.

“that’sjustnottrue.”

tearsprickmyeyes.

“howcanitbe?”hemurmurs.

ohno.

“shit—don’tcry,ana.please,don’tcry.”hecaressesmyface.

“i’msorry.”mylowerliptrembles,andhebrusheshisthumboverit,soothing

me.

“no,ana,no.don’tbesorry.you’llha一vesomeoneelsetoloveaswell.and

you’reright.that’showitshouldbe.”

“blipwillloveyou,too.you’llbethecenterofblip’s—junior’sworld,”i

whisper.“childrenlovetheirparentsunconditionally,christian.that’show

theycomeintotheworld.programmedtolove.allbabies...evenyou.think

aboutthatchildren’sbookyoulikedwhenyouweresmall.youstillwanted

yourmom.youlovedher.”

hefurrowshisbrowandwithdrawshishand,fistingitagainsthischin.

“no,”hewhispers.

“yes.youdid.”mytearsflowfreelynow.“ofcourseyoudid.itwasn’tan

option.that’swhyyou’resohurt.”

hestaresatme,hisexpressionraw.

“that’swhyyou’reabletoloveme,”imurmur.“forgiveher.shehadherown

worldofpaintodealwith.shewasashittymother,andyoulovedher.”

hegazesatme,sayingnothing,eyeshaunted—bymemoriesican’t474|p

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eljames

begintofathom.

oh,pleasedon’tstoptalking.

eventuallyhesays,“iusedtobrushherhair.shewaspretty.”

“onelookatyouandnoonewoulddoub一tthat.”

“shewasashittymother.”hisvoiceisbarelyaudible.inodandhecloses

hiseyes.“i’mscaredi’llbeashittyfather.”

istrokehisdearface.ohmyfifty,fifty,fifty.“christian,doyouthinkforone

minutei’dletyoubeashittyfather?”

heopenshiseyesandgazesatmeforwhatfeelslikeaneternity.hesmiles

asreliefslowlyilluminateshisface.“no,idon’tthinkyouwould.”hecaresses

myfacewiththebackofhisknuckles,gazingatmeinwonder.“god,you’re

strong,mrs.grey.iloveyousomuch.”

heleansforwardandkissesmyforehead.“ididn’tknowicould.”

“oh,christian,”iwhisper,tryingtocontainmyemotions.

“now,that’stheendofyourbedtimestory.”

“that’ssomebedsidestory...”

hesmileswistfully,butithinkhe’srelieved.“how’syourhead?”

“myhead?”actually,it’sabouttoexplodewithallyou’vetoldme!

“doesithurt?”

“no.”

“good.ithinkyoushouldsleepnow.”

sleep!howcanisleepafterallthat?

“sleep,”hesayssternly.“youneedit.”

ipout.“iha一veonequestion.”

“oh?what?”heeyesmewarily.

“whyha一veyousuddenlybecomeall...forthcoming,forwantofabetter

word?”

hefrowns.

“you’retellingmeallthis,whengettinginformationoutofyouisnormallya

prettyharrowingandtryingexperience.”

“itis?

“youknowitis.”

“whyamibeingforthcoming?ican’tsay.seeingyoupracticallydeadonthe

coldconcrete,maybe.thefacti’mgoingtobeafather.idon’tknow.you

saidyouwantedtoknow,andidon’twantelenatocomebetweenus.she

can’t.she’sthepast,andi’vesaidthattoyousomanytimes.”

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fiftyshadesfreed

“ifshehadn’tmadeapassatyou...wouldyoustillbefriends?”

“that’smorethanonequestion.”

“sorry.youdon’tha一vetotellme.”iflush.“you’vealreadyvolunteeredmore

thanieverthoughtyouwould.”

hisgazesoftens.“no,idon’tthinkso,butshe’sfeltlikeunfinishedbusiness

sincemybirthday.shesteppedovertheline,andi’mdone.please,believe

me.i’mnotgoingtoseeheragain.yousaidshe’sahardlimitforyou.that’s

atermiunderstand,”hesayswithquietsincerity.

okay.i’mgoingtoletthisgonow.mysubconscioussagsintoherarmchair.

finally!

“goodnight,christian.thankyoufortheenlighteningbedtimestory.”ilean

overtokisshim,andourlipstouchbriefly,buthepullsbackwhenitryto

deepenthekiss.

“don’t,”hewhispers.“iamdesperatetomakelovetoyou.”

“thendo.”

“no,youneedtorest,andit’slate.gotosleep.”heleansoverandswitches

offthebedsidelight,plungingusintodarkness.

“iloveyouunconditionally,christian,”imurmurasicuddleintohisside.

“iknow,”hewhispers,andisensehisshysmile.

~o0o~

iwakewithastart.lightisfloodingtheroom,andchristianisnotinbed.i

glanceattheclockandseeit’ssevenfifty-three.itakeadeepbreathand

winceasmyribssmartthoughnotasbadlyasyesterday.ithinkicouldgoto

work.work—yes.iwanttogotowork.it’smonday,andispentallof

yesterdayloungingaboutinbed.christianonlyletmegooutbrieflytosee

ray.honestly,he’sstillsuchacontrolfreak.ismilefondly.mycontrolfreak.

he’sbeenattentiveandlovingandchatty...andhands-offsinceiarrived

home.iscowl.iamgoingtoha一vetodosomethingaboutthis.myhead

doesn’thurt,thepainaroundmyribshaseased—though,admittedly,

laughinghastobeundertakenwithcaution—buti’mfrustrated.ithinkthisis

thelongesti’vegonewithoutsexsince...well,sincethefirsttime.ithink

we’vebothrecoveredourequilibrium.christianismuch476|page

eljames

morerelaxed;hislongbedtimestoryseemstoha一velaidsomeghoststo

rest,forhimandforme.we’llsee.

ishowerquickly,andoncei’mdry,ibrowsecarefullythroughmyclothes.i

wantsomethingsexy.somethingthatmightgalvanizechristianintoaction.

whowouldha一vethoughtsuchaninsatiablemancouldactuallyexerciseso

muchself-control?idon’treallywanttodwellonhowchristianlearnedsuch

disciplineoverhisbody.weha一ven’tspokenofthebitchtrolloncesincehis

confessional.ihopeweneverdo.tomeshe’sdeadandburied.

ichooseanalmostindecentlyshortblackskirtandawhitesilkblousewitha

frill.islideonthigh-highswithlacytopsandmyblacklouboutinpumps.a

littlemascaraandlipglossforanaturallook,andafteraferociousbrushing,i

lea一vemyhairloose.yes.thisshoulddoit.christianiseatingatthe

breakfastbar.hisforkfulofomeletstopsinmidairwhenheseesme.he

frowns.

“goodmorning,mrs.grey.goingsomewhere?”

“work.”ismilesweetly.

“idon’tthinkso.”christiansnortswithamusedderision.“dr.singhsaida

weekoff.”

“christian,iamnotspendingthedaylounginginbedonmyown.soimayas

wellgotowork.goodmorning,gail.”

“mrs.grey.”mrs.jonestriestohideasmile.“wouldyoulikesome

breakfast?”

“please.”

“granola?”

“i’dpreferscrambledeggswithwholewheattoast.”

mrs.jonesbeamsandchristianregistershissurprise.

“verygood,mrs.grey,”mrs.jonessays.

“ana,youarenotgoingtowork.”

“but—”

“no.it’ssimple.don’targue.”christianisadamant.iglareathim,andonly

thendoinoticethathe’sinthesamepajamabottomsandtshirthewas

wearinglastnight.

“areyougoingtowork?”iask.

“no.”

amigoingcrazy?“itismonday,right?”

hesmiles.“lasttimeilooked.”

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fiftyshadesfreed

inarrowmyeyes.“areyouplayinghooky?”

“i’mnotlea一vingyouhereonyourowntogetintotrouble.anddr.singhsaidit

wouldbeaweekbeforeyoucouldgobacktowork.remember?”

islideontoabarstoolbesidehimandhoistmyskirtupalittle.mrs.jones

placesacupofteainfrontofme.

“youlookgood,”christiansays.icrossmylegs.“verygood.especially

here.”hetracesafingeroverthebarefleshthatshowsabovemythighhighs.

mypulsequickensashisfingerrunsacrossmyskin.“thisskirtisvery

short,”hemurmurs,vaguedisapprovalinhisvoiceashiseyesfollowhis

finger.

“isit?ihadn’tnoticed.”

christiangazesatme,mouthtwistedinanamusedyetexasperatedsmirk.

“really,mrs.grey?”

iblush.

“i’mnotsurethislookissuitablefortheworkplace,”hemurmurs.

“well,sincei’mnotgoingtowork,that’samootpoint.”

“moot?”

“moot,”imouth.

christiansmirksagainandresumeseatinghisomelet.“iha一veabetteridea.”

“youdo?”

heglancesatmethroughlonglashes,grayeyesdarkening.iinhalesharply.

ohmy.abouttime.

“wecangoseehowelliot’sgettingonwiththehouse.”

what?oh!tease!ivaguelyrememberweweresupposedtodothatbefore

raywasinjured.

“i’dloveto.”

“good.”hegrins.

“don’tyouha一vetowork?”

“no.rosisbackfromtaiwan.thatallwentwell.today,everything’sfine.”

“ithoughtyouweregoingtotaiwan.”

hesnortsagain.“ana,youwereinthehospital.”

“oh.”

“yeah—oh.sotodayi’mspendingsomequalitytimewithmy478|page

eljames

wife.”hesmackshislipstogetherashetakesasipofcoffee.

“qualitytime?”ican’tdisguisethehopeinmyvoice.mrs.jonesplacesmy

scrambledeggsinfrontofme,againfailingtohidehersmile.

christiansmirks.“qualitytime.”henods.

iamtoohungrytoflirtanymorewithmyhusband.

“it’sgoodtoseeyoueat,”hemurmurs.rising,heleansoverandkissesmy

hair.“i’mgoingtoshower.”

“um...canicomeandscrubyourback?”imumblethroughamouthfullof

toastandscrambledegg.

“no.eat.”

lea一vingthebreakfastbar,hetugshist-shirtoverhishead,treatingmeto

thesightofhisfinelysculpturedshouldersandnakedbackashesaunters

outofthegreatroom.istopmid-chew.he’sdoingthisonpurpose.why?

rayisingoodspirits.mr.rodriguezisvisiting,too,andthey’vebothsettled

downinfrontofthelargenewflat-screentvinray’sroom.isuspect

christianhadsomethingtodowiththat.welea一vethemwatchingthesports

highlightsfromthepreviousweekend.

christianisrelaxedonthedrivenorth.he’sbeenthiswayeversince

“thetalk.”it’sasifaweighthasbeenlifted;mrs.robinson’sshadowno

longerloomssolargeoverus,maybebecausei’vedecidedtoletitgo—or

becausehehas,idon’tknow.butifeelclosertohimnowthanieverha一ve

before.perhapsbecausehe’sfinallyconfidedinme.ihopehecontinuesto

doso.andhe’smoreacceptingofthebaby,too.hehasn’tgoneoutand

boughtacribyet,butiha一vehighhopes.igazeathim,drinkinghiminashe

drives.helookscasual,cool...sexywithhistousledhair,ray-bans,

pinstripejacket,whitelinenshirt,andjeans.

heglancesatme,reachesover,andclaspsmylegabovetheknee,his

fingersstrokinggently.“i’mgladyoudidn’tchange.”

ididsliponadenimjacketandchangetoflats,buti’mstillwearingtheshort

skirt.hishandlingersabovemyknee.iputmyhandonhis.479|page

fiftyshadesfreed

“areyougoingtocontinuetoteaseme?”

“maybe.”christiansmiles.

“why?”

“becauseican.”hegrins,boyishasever.

“twocanplayatthatgame,”iwhisper.

hisfingersmovetantalizinglyupmythigh.“bringiton,mrs.grey.”hisgrin

broadens.

ipickuphishandandputitbackonhisknee.“well,youcankeepyour

handstoyourself.”

hesmirks.“asyouwish,mrs.grey.”

dammit.thisgameisgoingtobackfireonme.

christianturnsintothedrivewayofournewhouse.hestopsatthekeypad

andpunchesinanumber,andtheornatewhitemetalgatesswingopen.we

roarupthetree-linedlane,underlea一vesthatareablendofgreen,yellow,

andburnishedcopper.thetallgrassinthemeadowisturninggold,butthere

arestillafewyellowwildflowersdottedamongthegrass.it’sabeautifulday.

thesunisshining,andthesaltytangofthesoundisintheairmixedwiththe

scentofthecomingfall.thisissuchatranquilandbeautifulplace.andto

thinkwe’regoingtomakeourhomehere.

thelanecurvesaround,andourhousecomesintoview.severallarge

trucks,sidesemblazonedwithgreyconstruction,areparkedout

front.thehouseisdeckedinscaffolding,andseveralworkmeninhardhats

arebusyontheroof.

christianpullsupoutsidetheporticoandswitchesofftheengine.icansense

hisexcitement.

“let’sgofindelliot.”

“ishehere?”

“ihopeso.i’mpayinghimenough.”

isnort,andchristiangrinsaswegetoutofthecar.

“yo,bro!”elliotshoutsfromsomewhere.webothglancearound.

“uphere!”he’supontheroof,wa一vingdownatusandbeamingfromearto

ear.“abouttimewesawyouhere.staywhereyouare.i’llberightdown.”

iglanceatchristian,whoshrugs.afewminuteslater,elliot480|page

eljames

appearsatthefrontdoor.

“hey,bro.”heshakeschristian’shand.“andhowareyou,littlelady?”he

picksmeupandswingsmearound.

“better,thanks,”igigglebreathlessly,myribsprotesting.christianfrownsat

him,butelliotignoreshim.

“let’sheadovertothesiteoffice.you’llneedoneofthese.”hetapshishard

hat.

thehouseisashell.thefloorsarecoveredinahardfibrousmaterialthat

lookslikeburlap;someoftheoriginalwallsha一vedisappearedandnewones

ha一vetakentheirplace.elliotleadsusthrough,explainingwhat’shappening,

whilemen—andafewwomen—workeverywherearoundus.i’mrelievedto

seethestonestaircasewithitsintricateironbalustradeisstillinplaceand

drapedcompletelyinwhitedustsheets.inthemainlivingarea,thebackwall

hasbeenremovedtomakewayforgia’sglasswall,andworkisbeginning

ontheterrace.inspiteofthemess,theviewisstillstunning.thenewworkis

sympatheticandinkeepingwiththeold-worldcharmofthehouse...gia’s

donewell.elliotpatientlyexplainstheprocessesandgivesusarough

timeframeforeach.he’shopingwecanbeinbychristmas,although

christianthinksthisisoptimistic.

holycow—christmasoverlookingthesound.ican’twait.abubbleof

excitementbloomsinsideme.iha一vevisionsofustrimminganenormous

treewhileacopper-hairedlittleboylooksoninwonder.elliotfinishesour

tourinthekitchen.

“i’lllea一veyoutwotoroam.becareful.thisisabuildingsite.”

“sure.thanks,elliot,”christianmurmurs,takingmyhand.

“happy?”heasksonceelliothasleftusalone.iamgazingatthisemptyshell

ofaroomandwonderingwhereiwillhangthepepperpicturesthatwe

boughtinfrance.

“very.iloveit.you?”

“ditto.”hegrins.

“good.iwasthinkingofthepepperpicturesinhere.”

christiannods.“iwanttoputupjosé’sportraitsofyouinthishouse.you

needtodecidewheretheyshouldgo.”

iflush.“somewhereiwon’tseethemoften.”

481|page

fiftyshadesfreed

“don’tbelikethat,”hescolds,brushinghisthumbacrossmybottomlip.

“they’remyfa一voritepictures.ilovetheoneinmyoffice.”

“iha一venoideawhy,”imurmurandkissthepadofhisthumb.

“worsethingstodothanlookatyourbeautifulsmilingfaceallday.hungry?”

heasks.

“hungryforwhat?”iwhisper.

hesmirks,hiseyesdarkening.hopeanddesireunfurlinmyveins.

“food,mrs.grey,”hemurmurs,andheplantsaswiftkissonmylips.igive

himmyfauxpoutandsigh.

“yes.thesedaysi’malwayshungry.”

“thethreeofuscanha一veapicnic.”

“threeofus?issomeonejoiningus?”

christiancockshisheadtooneside.“inaboutsevenoreightmonths.”

oh...blip.igringoofilyathim.

“ithoughtyoumightliketoeatalfresco.”

“inthemeadow?”iask.

henods.

“sure.”igrin.

“thiswillbeagreatplacetoraiseafamily,”hemurmurs,gazingdownatme.

family!morethanone?dareimentionthisnow?

hespreadshisfingersovermybelly.holyshit.iholdmybreathandplace

myhandoverhis.

“it’shardtobelieve,”hewhispers,andforthefirsttimeihearwonderinhis

voice.

“iknow.oh—here,iha一veevidence.apicture.”

“youdo?baby’sfirstsmile?”

ipullouttheultrasoundofblipfrommywallet.

“see?”

christianexaminesitclosely,staringforseveralseconds.

“oh...blip.yeah,isee.”hesoundsdistracted,awed.

“yourchild,”iwhisper.

“ourchild,”hecounters.

“firstofmany.”

“many?”christian’seyeswidenwithalarm.

“atleasttwo.”

482|page

eljames

“two?”heteststheword.“canwejusttakethisonechildatatime?”

igrin.“sure.”

weheadbackoutsideintothewarmfallafternoon.

“whenareyougoingtotellyourfolks?”christianasks.

“soon,”imurmur.“ithoughtabouttellingraythismorning,butmr.rodriguez

wasthere.”ishrug.

christiannodsandopensthehoodofther8.insideareawickerpicnic

basketandthetartanblanketweboughtinlondon.

“come,”hesays,takingthebasketandblanketinonehandandholdingthe

otherouttome.togetherwewalkintothemeadow.

“sure,ros,goforit.”christianhangsup.that’sthethirdcallhe’staken

duringourpicnic.he’skickedoffhisshoesandsocks,andiswatchingme,

armsonhisraisedknees.hisjacketliesdiscardedontopofmine,aswe’re

warminthesun.iliebesidehim,stretchedoutonthetartanpicnicblanket,

bothofussurroundedbytallgoldenandgreengrass,far,farfromthenoise

atthehouseandhiddenfromthepryingeyesoftheconstructionworkers.

weareinourownbucolicha一ven.hefeedsmeanotherstrawberry,andi

chewandsuckitgratefully,gazingathisdarkeningeyes.

“tasty?”hewhispers.

“very.”

“hadenough?”

“ofstrawberries,yes.”

hiseyesglitterdangerously,andhegrinsdownatme.“mrs.jonespacksa

mightyfinepicnic,”hesays.

“thatshedoes,”iwhisper.

shiftingsuddenly,heliesdownsohisheadisrestingonmybelly.hecloses

hiseyesandseemscontent.itanglemyfingersinhishair.hesighshea一vily,

thenscowlsandchecksthenumberonthescreenofhisbuzzingblackberry.

herollshiseyesandtakesthecall.

“welch,”hesnaps.hetenses,listensforasecondortwo,thensuddenly

boltsupright.

“24-7...thanks,”hesaysthroughgrittedteethandhangsup.thechangein

hismoodisinstant.goneismyteasing,flirtatioushusband,483|page

fiftyshadesfreed

replacedbyacold,calculatingmasteroftheuniverse.henarrowshiseyes

foramomentthengivesmeacool,chillingsmile.ashiverrunsdownmy

back.hepicksuphisblackberryandpressesaspeeddial.

“ros,howmuchstockdoweowninlincolntimber?”hekneelsup.

myscalpprickles.ohno,what’sthis?

“so,consolidatethesharesintogeh,thenfiretheboard...exceptthe

ceo....idon’tgiveafuck...ihearyou,justdoit...thankyou...keepme

informed.”hehangsup,andgazesatmeimpassivelyforamoment.

holyshit!christianismad.

“what’shappened?”

“linc,”hemurmurs.

“linc?elena’sex?”

“thesame.he’stheonewhopostedhyde’sbail.”

what?why?igapeatchristianinshock.hismouthispressedinahard

line.

“well—he’lllooklikeanidiot,”imurmur,dismayed.“imean,hydecommitted

anothercrimewhileoutonbail.”

christian’seyesnarrowandhesmirks.“fairpointwellmade,mrs.grey.”

“whatdidyoujustdo?”ikneelup,facinghim.

“ifuckedhimover.”

oh!“um...thatseemsalittleimpulsive,”imurmur.

“i’manin-the-momentkindofguy.”

“i’mawareofthat.”

hiseyesnarrowandhislipsthin.“i’vehadthisplaninmybackpocketfora

while,”hesaysdryly.

ifrown.“oh?”

hepauses,seemingtoweighupsomethinginhismind,thentakesadeep

breath.

“severalyearsback,wheniwastwenty-one,lincbeathiswifetoapulp.he

brokeherjaw,herleftarm,andfourofherribsbecauseshewasfucking

me.”hiseyesharden.“andnowilearnhepostedbailforamanwhotriedto

killme,kidnappedmysister,andfracturedmywife’sskull.i’vehadenough.i

thinkit’spaybacktime.”

iblanch.holyshit.“fairpointwellmade,mr.grey,”iwhisper.484|page

eljames

“ana,thisiswhatido.i’mnotusuallymotivatedbyrevenge,buticannotlet

himgetawaywiththis.whathedidtoelena...well,sheshouldha一ve

pressedcharges,butshedidn’t.thatwasherprerogative.

“buthe’sseriouslycrossedthelinewithhyde.linc’smadethispersonalby

goingaftermyfamily.i’mgoingtocrushhim,breakuphiscompanyright

underhisnose,andsellthepiecestothehighestbidder.iamgoingto

bankrupthim.”

oh...

“besides,”christiansmirks.“we’llmakegoodmoneyoutofthedeal.”

istareintoblazinggrayeyesthatsoftensuddenly.

“ididn’tmeantofrightenyou,”hewhispers.

“youdidn’t,”ilie.

hearchesabrow,amused.

“youjusttookmebysurprise,”iwhisper,thenswallow.christianisreally

quitescarysometimes.

leaningdownhebrusheshislipsagainstmine.“iwilldoanythingtokeep

yousafe.keepmyfamilysafe.keepthislittleonesafe,”hemurmursand

splayshishandoutovermybellyinagentlecaress.oh...istopbreathing.

christiangazesdownatme,hiseyesdarkening.hislipspartasheinhales

and,inadeliberatemove,thetipsofhisfingersbrushagainstmysex.

holyshit.desiredetonateslikeanincendiarydeviceignitingmy

bloodstream.igrasphishead,myfingerswea一vingintohishair,andtughard

somylipsfindhis.hegasps,surprisedbymyassault,givingmytonguefree

passageintohismouth.hegroansandkissesmeback,hislipsandtongue

hungryformine,andforamomentweconsumeeachother,lostintongues

andlipsandbreathsandsweet,sweetsensationaswerediscovereach

other.

oh,iwantthisman.it’sbeentoolong.iwanthimhere,now,intheopenair,in

ourmeadow.

“ana,”hebreathes,entranced,andhishandskimsovermybacksidetothe

hemofmyskirt.iscrambletounbuttonhisshirt,allfingersandthumbs.

“whoa,ana—stop.”hepullsback,hisjawclenched,andgrabsmyhands.

“no.”myteethclampgentlyaroundhislowerlipanditug.“no,”i485|page

fiftyshadesfreed

murmuragain,gazingathim.ireleasehim.“iwantyou.”

heinhalessharply.he’storn,hisindecisionwritlargeinluminousgrayeyes.

“please,ineedyou.”everyporeofmybeingisbegging.thisiswhatwedo.

hegroansindefeatashismouthfindsmine,moldingmylipstohis.one

handcradlesmyheadwhiletheotherskimsdownmybodytomywaist,and

heeasesmeontomybackandstretchesoutbesideme,neverbreaking

contactwithmymouth.

hepullsback,hoveringovermeandgazingdown.“youaresobeautiful,

mrs.grey.”

icaresshislovelyface.“soareyou,mr.grey.insideandout.”

hefrowns,andmyfingerstracethefurrowinhisbrow.

“don’tfrown.youaretome,evenwhenyou’reangry,”iwhisper.hegroans

oncemore,andhismouthcapturesmine,pushingmeintothesoftgrass

beneaththeblanket.

“i’vemissedyou,”hewhispers,andhisteethgrazemyjaw.myheartsoars.

“i’vemissedyou,too.oh,christian.”ifistonehandinhishairandclutchhis

shoulderwiththeother.

hislipsmovetomythroat,lea一vingtenderkissesintheirwake,andhis

fingersfollow,deftlyundoingeachbuttonofmyblouse.tuggingmyblouse

apart,hekissesthesoftswellofmybreasts.hemurmursappreciatively,low

inhisthroat,andthesoundechoesthroughmybodytomydeepdarkplaces.

“yourbody’schanging,”hewhispers.histhumbteasesmynippleuntilit’s

erectandstrainingagainstmybra.“ilike,”headds.iwatchhistonguetaste

andtracethelinebetweenmybraandmybreast,tantalizingandteasingme.

takingmybracupdelicatelybetweenhisteeth,hepullsitdown,freeingmy

breastandnuzzlingmynipplewithhisnoseintheprocess.itpuckersathis

touchandfromthechillofthegentlefallbreeze.hislipsclosearoundme,

andhesuckslongandhard.

“ah!”igroan,inhalingsharplythenwincingaspainradiatesoutwardfrommy

bruisedribs.

“ana!”christianexclaimsandglaresdownatme,concernetchedonhis

face.“thisiswhati’mtalkingabout,”headmonishes.“your486|page

eljames