myribsshootsthroughmeandiwince.christianpales.“beha一ve!”he

admonishes,andforamomenthe’sangry.

456|page

eljames

“sorry,”imumble,reachinguptocaresshischeek.henuzzlesmyhandand

kissesitgently.

“honestly,ana,youreallyha一venoregardforyourownsafety.”hetugsupthe

hemofmyt-shirtthenrestshisfingersonmybelly.istopbreathing.“it’snot

justyouanymore,”hewhispers,trailinghisfingertipsalongthewaistbandof

mysweats,caressingmyskin.desireexplodesunexpected,hot,andhea一vy

inmyblood.igaspandchristiantenses,haltinghisfingersandgazingdown

atme.hemoveshishanduptotuckastraylockofhairbehindmyear.

“no,”hewhispers.

what?

“don’tlookatmelikethat.i’veseenthebruises.andtheanswer’sno.”his

voiceisfirm,andhekissesmyforehead.

isquirm.“christian,”iwhine.

“no.getintobed.”hesitsup.

“bed?”

“youneedrest.”

“ineedyou.”

hecloseshiseyesandshakeshisheadasifit’sagreateffortofwill.when

heopensthemagain,hiseyesarebrightwithhisresolve.

“justdoasyou’retold,ana.”

i’mtemptedtotakeoffallmyclothes,butthenirememberthebruisesand

knowiwon’twinthatway.reluctantly,inod.

“okay.”ideliberatelygivehimanexaggeratedpout.hegrins,amused.“i’ll

bringyousomelunch.”

“you’regoingtocook?”inearlyexpire.

hehasthegracetolaugh.“i’mgoingtoheatsomethingup.mrs.joneshas

beenbusy.”

“christian,i’lldoit.i’mfine.jeez,iwantsex—icancertainlycook.”isitup

awkwardly,tryingtohidemyflinchfrommysmartingribs.

“bed!”christian’seyesflashandhepointstothepillow.

“joinme,”imurmur,wishingiwerewearingsomethingalittlemorealluring

thansweatpantsandat-shirt.

“ana,getintobed.now.”

iscowl,standup,andletmypantsdropunceremoniouslytothefloor,glaring

athimthewholetime.hismouthtwitcheswithhumoras457|page

fiftyshadesfreed

hepullstheduvetback.

“youhearddr.singh.shesaidrest.”hisvoiceisgentler.islipintobedand

foldmyarmsinfrustration.“stay,”hesaysclearlyenjoyinghimself.

myscowldeepens.

mrs.jones’schickenstewis,withoutdoub一t,oneofmyfa一voritedishes.

christianeatswithme,sittingcross-leggedinthemiddleofthebed.

“thatwasverywellheated.”ismirkandhegrins.i’mrepleteandsleepy.was

thishisplan?

“youlooktired.”hepicksupmytray.

“iam.”

“good.sleep.”heleansdownandkissesme.“iha一vesomeworkineedto

do.i’lldoitinhereifthat’sokaywithyou.”

inod...fightingalosingbattlewithmyeyelids.ihadnoideachickenstew

couldbesoexhausting.

it’sduskwheniwake.palepinklightfloodstheroom.christianissittingin

thearmchair,watchingme,grayeyesluminousintheambientlight.he’s

clutchingsomepapers.hisfaceisashen.holycow!

“what’swrong?”iaskimmediately,sittingupandignoringmyprotesting

ribs.

“welchhasjustleft.”

ohshit.“and?”

“ilivedwiththefucker,”hewhispers.

“lived?withjack?”

henods,eyeswide.

“you’rerelated?”

“no.goodgod,no.”

ishuffleoverandpulltheduvetback,invitinghimintobedbesideme,andto

mysurprisehedoesn’thesitate.hekicksoffhisshoesandslidesin

alongsideme.wrappingonearmaroundme,hecurlsup,restinghisheadin

mylap.i’mstunned.what’sthis?

“idon’tunderstand,”imurmur,runningmyfingersthroughhishair458|pag

e

eljames

andgazingdownathim.christiancloseshiseyesandfurrowshisbrowasif

he’sstrainingtoremember.

“afteriwasfoundwiththecrackwhore,beforeiwenttolivewithcarrickand

grace,iwasinthecareofmichiganstate.ilivedinafosterhome.butican’t

rememberanythingaboutthattime.”

mymindreels.afosterhome?thisisnewstobothofus.

“forhowlong?”iwhisper.

“twomonthsorso.iha一venorecollection.”

“ha一veyouspokentoyourmomanddadaboutit?”

“no.”

“perhapsyoushould.maybetheycouldfillintheblanks.”

hehugsmetightly.“here.”hehandsmethepapers,whichturnouttobetwo

photographs.ireachoverandswitchonthebedsidelightsoicanexamine

themindetail.thefirstphotoisofashabbyhousewithayellowfrontdoor

andalargegabledwindowintheroof.ithasaporchandasmallfrontyard.

it’sanunremarkablehouse.thesecondphotoisofafamily—atfirstglance,

anordinarybluecollarfamily—amanandhiswife,ithink,andtheirchildren.

theadultsarebothdressedindowdy,overwashedbluet-shirts.theymust

beintheirforties.thewomanhasscraped-backblondhair,andthemana

severebuzz-cut,buttheyarebothsmilingwarmlyatthecamera.theman

hashishanddrapedovertheshouldersofasullenteenagegirl.igazeat

eachofthechildren:twoboys—identicaltwins,abouttwelve—bothwith

sandyblondhair,grinningbroadlyatthecamera;there’sanotherboy,who’s

smaller,blonder,scowling;andhidingbehindhim,acopper-hairedgrayeyed

littleboy.wide-eyedandscared,dressedinmismatchedclothes,and

clutchingachild’sdirtyblanket.

fuck.“thisisyou,”iwhisper,myheartlurchingintomythroat.iknow

christianwasfourwhenhismotherdied.butthischildlooksmuchyounger.

hemustha一vebeenseverelymalnourished.istifleasobastearsspringto

myeyes.oh,mysweetfifty.christiannods.“that’sme.”

“welchbroughtthesephotos?”

“yes.idon’trememberanyofthis.”hisvoiceisflatandlifeless.

“rememberbeingwithfosterparents?whyshouldyou?christian,itwasa

longtimeago.isthiswhat’sworryingyou?”

459|page

fiftyshadesfreed

“irememberotherthings,frombeforeandafter.whenimetmymomand

dad.butthis...it’slikethere’sahugechasm.”

myhearttwistsandunderstandingdawns.mydarlingcontrolfreaklikes

everythinginitsplace,andnowhe’slearnedhe’smissingpartofthejigsaw.

“isjackinthispicture?”

“yes,he’stheolderkid.”christian’seyesarestillscrewedshut,andhe’s

clingingtomeasifi’maliferaft.irunmyfingersthroughhishairwhileigaze

attheolderboywhoisglaring,defiantandarrogant,atthecamera.icansee

it’sjack.buthe’sjustakid,asadeightornine-yearold,hidinghisfear

behindhishostility.athoughtoccurstome.

“whenjackcalledtotellmehehadmia,hesaidifthingshadbeendifferent,

itcouldha一vebeenhim.”

christiancloseshiseyesandshudders.“thatfucker!”

“youthinkhedidallthisbecausethegreysadoptedyouinsteadofhim?”

“whoknows?”christian’stoneisbitter.“idon’tgiveafuckabouthim.”

“perhapsheknewwewereseeingeachotherwheniwentforthatjob

interview.perhapsheplannedtoseducemeallalong.”bilerisesinmy

throat.

“idon’tthinkso,”christianmutters,hiseyesnowopen.“thesearcheshedid

onmyfamilydidn’tstartuntilaweekorsoafteryoubeganyourjobatsip.

barneyknowstheexactdates.and,ana,hefuckedallhisassistantsand

tapedthem.”christiancloseshiseyesandtightenshisgriponmeonce

more.

suppressingthetremorthatrunsthroughme,itrytorecallmyvarious

conversationswithjackwhenifirststartedatsip.iknewdeepdownhewas

badnews,yetiignoredallmyinstincts.christian’sright—iha一venoregardfor

myownsafety.irememberthefightwehadaboutmegoingtonewyorkwith

jack.jeez—icouldha一veendeduponsomesordidsextape.thethoughtis

nauseating.andinthatmomentirecallthephotographschristiankeptofhis

submissives.ohshit.“we’recutfromthesamecloth.”no,christian,you’re

not,you’renothinglikehim.he’sstillcurledaroundme,likeasmallboy.

“christian,ithinkyoushouldtalktoyourmomanddad.”iamreluctantto

movehim,soishiftandslidebackintothebeduntilweare460|page

eljames

eyetoeye.

abewilderedgraygazemeetsmine,remindingmeofthechildinthe

photograph.

“letmecallthem,”iwhisper.heshakeshishead.“please.”ibeg.christian

staresatme,painandself-doub一treflectedinhiseyesasheconsidersmy

request.oh,christian,please!

“i’llcallthem,”hewhispers.

“good.wecangoandseethemtogether,oryoucango.whicheveryou

prefer.”

“no.theycancomehere.”

“why?”

“idon’twantyougoinganywhere.”

“christian,i’mupforacarjourney.”

“no.”hisvoiceisfirm,buthegivesmeanironicsmile.“anyway,it’s

saturdaynight,they’reprobablyatsomefunction.”

“callthem.thisnewshasobviouslyupsetyou.theymightbeabletoshed

somelight.”iglanceattheradioalarm.it’salmostsevenintheevening.he

regardsmeimpassivelyforamoment.

“okay,”hesaysasifi’veissuedhimwithachallenge.sittingup,hereaches

forthebedsidephone.

iwrapmyarmaroundhimandrestmyheadonhischestashemakesthe

call.

“dad?”iregisterhissurprisethatcarrickhasansweredthephone.

“ana’sgood.we’rehome.welchhasjustleft.hefoundouttheconnection..

.thefosterhomeindetroit...idon’trememberanyofthat.”christian’s

voiceisalmostinaudibleashemuttersthelastsentence.myheartconstricts

oncemore.ihughim,andhesqueezesmyshoulder.

“yeah...youwill?...great.”hehangsup.“they’reontheirway.”he

soundssurprised,andirealizethathe’sprobablyneveraskedthemforhelp.

“good.ishouldgetdressed.”

christian’sarmtightensaroundme.“don’tgo.”

“okay.”isnuggleintohissideagain,stunnedbythefactthathe’sjusttoldme

agreatdealabouthimself—entirelyvoluntarily.

461|page

fiftyshadesfreed

aswestandatthethresholdtothegreatroom,gracewrapsmegentlyinher

arms.

“ana,ana,darlingana,”shewhispers.“sa一vingtwoofmychildren.howcani

everthankyou?”

iblush,touchedandembarrassedinequalmeasurebyherwords.carrick

hugsme,too,kissingmyforehead.

thenmiagrabsme,squashingmyribs.iwinceandgasp,butshedoesn’t

notice.“thankyouforsa一vingmefromthoseassholes.”

christianscowlsather.“mia!careful!she’sinpain.”

“oh!sorry.”

“i’mgood,”imutter,relievedwhenshereleasesme.shelooksfine.

impeccablydressedintightblackjeansandapalepinkfrillyblouse.i’mglad

i’mwearingmycomfortablewrapdressandflats.atleastilookreasonably

presentable.

racingovertochristian,miacurlsherarmaroundhiswaist.wordlessly,he

handsgracethephoto.shegasps,herhandflyingtohermouthtocontain

heremotionassheinstantlyrecognizeschristian.carrickwrapshisarm

aroundhershoulderashe,too,examinesit.

“oh,darling.”gracecaresseschristian’scheek.

taylorappears.“mr.grey?misska一vanagh,herbrother,andyourbrotherare

comingup,sir.”

christianfrowns.“thankyou,taylor,”hemutters,bemused.

“icalledelliotandtoldhimwewerecomingover.”miagrins.“it’sawelcomehome

party.”

isneakasympatheticglanceatmypoorhusbandasbothgraceandcarrick

glareatmiainexasperation.

“we’dbettergetsomefoodtogether,”ideclare.“mia,willyougivemea

hand?”

“oh,i’dloveto.”

iusherhertowardthekitchenareaaschristianleadshisparentsintohis

study.

kateisapoplecticwithrighteousindignationthat’saimedatme,christian,

butmostofalljackandelizabeth.

“whatwereyouthinking,ana?”sheshoutsassheconfrontsmeinthe

kitchen,causingalleyesintheroomtoturnandstare.462|page

eljames

“kate,please.i’vehadthesamelecturefromeveryone!”isnapback.she

glaresatme,andforoneminuteithinki’mgoingtobesubjectedtoa

katherineka一vanaghhow-not-to-succumb-to-kidnapperslecture,butinstead

shefoldsmeintoherarms.

“jeez—sometimesyoudon’tha一vethebrainsyouwerebornwith,steele,”

shewhispers.asshekissesmycheek,therearetearsinhereyes.kate!

“i’vebeensoworriedaboutyou.”

“don’tcry.you’llsetmeoff.”

shestandsbackandwipeshereyes,embarrassed,thentakesadeep

breathandcomposesherself.“onamorepositivenote,we’vesetadatefor

ourwedding.wethoughtnextmay?andofcourseiwantyoutobemy

matronofhonor.”

“oh...kate...wow.congratulations!”crap—li’lblip...junior!

“whatisit?”sheasks,misinterpretingmyalarm.

“um...i’mjustsohappyforyou.somegoodnewsforachange.”

iwrapmyarmsaroundherandpullherintoahug.shit,shit,shit.whenis

blipdue?mentallyicalculatemyduedate.dr.greenesaidiwasfourorfive

weeks.so—sometimeinmay?shit.elliothandsmeaglassofchampagne.

oh.shit.

christianemergesfromhisstudy,lookingashen,andfollowshisparentsinto

thegreatroom.hiseyeswidenwhenheseestheglassinmyhand.

“kate,”hegreetshercoolly.

“christian.”sheisequallycool.isigh.

“yourmeds,mrs.grey.”heeyestheglassinmyhand.inarrowmyeyes.

dammit.iwantadrink.gracesmilesasshejoinsmeinthekitchen,

collectingaglassfromelliotontheway.

“asipwillbefine,”shewhisperswithaconspiratorialwinkatme,andlifts

herglasstoclinkmine.christianscowlsatbothofus,untilelliotdistractshim

withnewsofthemariners’latestmatchagainsttherangers.

carrickjoinsus,puttinghisarmsaroundusboth,andgracekisseshis

cheekbeforejoiningmiaonthesofa.

“howishe?”iwhispertocarrickasheandistandinthekitchenwatching

thefamilyloungeonthesofa.inotewithsurprisethatmia463|page

fiftyshadesfreed

andethanareholdinghands.

“shaken,”carrickmurmurstome,hisbrowfurrowing,hisfaceserious.“he

rememberssomuchofhislifewithhisbirthmother;manythingsiwishhe

didn’t.butthis—”hestops.“ihopewe’vehelped.i’mgladhecalledus.he

saidyoutoldhimto.”carrick’sgazesoftens.ishrugandtakeahastysipof

champagne.

“you’reverygoodforhim.hedoesn’tlistentoanyoneelse.”

iblinkupatcarrick,frowning.idon’tthinkthat’strue.theunwelcomespecter

ofthebitchtrollloomslargeinmymind.iknowchristiantalkstograce,too.

iheardhim.againifeelamoment’sfrustrationasitrytofathomtheir

conversationinthehospital,butitstilleludesme.

“comeandsitdown,ana.youlooktired.i’msureyouweren’texpectingall

ofusherethisevening.”

“it’sgreattoseeeveryone.”ismile.becauseit’strue,itisgreat.i’manonly

childwhohasmarriedintoalargeandgregariousfamily,andiloveit.i

snuggleupnexttochristian.

“onesip,”hehissesatmeandtakesmyglassfrommyhand.

“yes,sir.”ibatmylashes,disarminghimcompletely.heputshisarmaround

myshouldersandreturnstohisbaseballconversationwithelliotandethan.

“myparentsthinkyouwalkonwater,”christianmuttersashedragsoffhistshirt.

i’mcurledupinbedwatchingthefloorshow.

“goodthingyouknowdifferently.”isnort.

“oh,idon’tknow.”heslipsoutofhisjeans.

“didtheyfillinthegapsforyou?”

“some.ilivedwiththecolliersfortwomonthswhilemomanddadwaitedfor

thepaperwork.theywerealreadyapprovedforadoptionbecauseofelliot,

butthewait’srequiredbylawtoseeifihadanylivingrelativeswhowantedto

claimme.”

oh.

“howdoyoufeelaboutthat?”iwhisper.

hefrowns.“aboutha一vingnolivingrelatives?fuckthat.iftheywereanything

likethecrackwhore...”heshakeshisheadindisgust.oh,christian!you

wereachild,andyoulovedyourmom.464|page

eljames

heslidesonhispajamas,climbsintobed,andgentlypullsmeintohisarms.

“it’scomingbacktome.irememberthefood.ithinkmrs.colliercouldcook.

andatleastweknownowwhythatfuckerissohunguponmyfamily.”he

runshisfreehandthroughhishair.“fuck!”hesayssuddenlyturningtogape

atme.

“what?”

“itmakessensenow!”hiseyesarefullofrecognizance.

“what?”

“babybird.mrs.collierusedtocallmebabybird.”

ifrown.“whatmakessense?”

“thenote,”hesaysgazingatme.“theransomnotethatfuckerleft.itwent

somethinglike‘doyouknowwhoiam?becauseiknowwhoyouare,baby

bird.’”

thisisnotmakesnosensetomeatall.

“it’sfromakidsbook.shit.i’vejustremembered.thecolliershadit.itwas

called...‘areyoumymother?’shit.”hiseyeswiden.“ilovedthatbook.”

oh.iknowthatbook.myheartlurches—fifty!

“mrs.collierusedtoreadittome.”

iamatalosswhattosay.

“christ.heknew...thatfuckerknew.”

“willyoutellthepolice?”

“yes.iwill.christknowswhatclarkwilldowiththatinformation.”christian

shakeshisheadasiftryingtoclearhisthoughts.“anyway,thankyouforthis

evening.”

whoa.gearchange.

“forwhat?”

“cateringformyfamilyatamoment’snotice.”

“don’tthankme,thankmiaandmrs.jones.shekeepsthepantrywell

stocked.”

heshakeshisheadasifinexasperation.atme?why?

“howareyoufeeling,mrs.grey?”

“good.howareyoufeeling?”

“i’mfine.”hefrowns...notunderstandingmyconcern.oh...inthatcase.i

trailmyfingersdownhisstomachtohisoh-sohappytrail.465|page

fiftyshadesfreed

helaughsandgrabsmyhand.“ohno.don’tgetanyideas.”

ipout,andhesighs.“ana,ana,ana,whatamigoingtodowithyou?”he

kissesmyhair.

“iha一vesomeideas.”isquirmbesidehim,andwinceaspainradiates

throughmyupperbodyfrommybruisedribs.

“baby,you’vebeenthroughenough.besides,iha一veabedtimestoryforyou.”

oh?

“youwantedtoknow...”hetrailsoff,closeshiseyesandswallows.allof

thehaironmybodystandsonend.shit.hebeginsinasoftvoice.“picture

this,anadolescentboylookingtoearnsomeextramoneysohecan

continuehissecretdrinkinghabit.”

heshiftsontohissidesothatwe’relyingfacingeachotherandhe’sgazing

intomyeyes.

“soiwasinthebackyardatthelincolns’,clearingsomerubbleandtrash

fromtheextensionmr.lincolnhadjustaddedtotheirplace...”

holyfuck...he’stalking.

466|page

eljames