thereisonlypain.myhead,mychest...burningpain.myside,myarm.

pain.painandhushedwordsinthegloom.whereami?thoughitry,i

cannotopenmyeyes.thewhisperedwordsbecomeclearer...abeaconin

thedarkness.

“herribsarebruised,mr.grey,andshehasahairlinefracturetoherskull,

buthervitalsignsarestableandstrong.”

“whyisshestillunconscious?”

“mrs.greyhashadamajorcontusiontoherhead.butherbrainactivityis

normal,andshehasnocerebralswelling.she’llwakewhenshe’sready.just

givehersometime.”

“andthebaby?”thewordsareanguished,breathless.

“thebaby’sfine,mr.grey.”

“oh,thankgod.”thewordsarealitany...aprayer.“oh,thankgod.”

ohmy.he’sworriedaboutthebaby...thebaby?...littleblip.ofcourse.

mylittleblip.itryinvaintomovemyhandtomybelly.nothingmoves,

nothingresponds.

“andthebaby?...oh,thankgod.”

littleblipissafe.

“andthebaby?...oh,thankgod.”

hecaresaboutthebaby.

“andthebaby?...oh,thankgod.”

hewantsthebaby.ohthankgod.irelax,andunconsciousnessclaimsme

oncemore,stealingmeawayfromthepain.

oncemore,stealingmeawayfromthepain.

everythingishea一vyandaching:limbs,head,eyelids,nothingwillmove.my

eyesandmouthareresolutelyshut,unwillingtomove,lea一vingmeblindand

muteandaching.asisurfacefromthefog,consciousnesshovers,a

seductivesirenjustoutofreach.soundsbecomevoices.

428|page

eljames

“i’mnotlea一vingher.”

christian!he’shere...iwillmyselftowake—hisvoiceisstrained,an

agonizedwhisper.

“christian,youshouldsleep.”

“no,dad.iwanttobeherewhenshewakesup.”

“i’llsitwithher.it’stheleasticandoaftershesa一vedmydaughter.”

mia!

“how’smia?”

“she’sgroggy...scaredandangry.it’llbeafewhoursbeforetherohypnol

iscompletelyoutofhersystem.”

“christ.”

“iknow.i’mfeelingsevenkindsoffoolishforrelentingonhersecurity.you

warnedme,butmiaissostubborn.ifitwasn’tforanahere...”

“weallthoughthydewasoutofthepicture.andmycrazy,stupidwife—why

didn’tshetellme?”christian’svoiceisfullofanguish.

“christian,calmdown.ana’saremarkableyoungwoman.shewas

incrediblybra一ve.”

“bra一veandheadstrongandstubbornandstupid.”hisvoicecracks.

“hey,”carrickmurmurs,“don’tbesohardonher,oryourself,son...i’d

bettergetbacktoyourmom.it’safterthreeinthemorning,christian.you

reallyshouldtrytosleep.”

thefogclosesin.

thefogliftsbutiha一venosenseoftime.

“ifyoudon’ttakeheracrossyourknee,isureashellwill.whatthehellwas

shethinking?”

“trustme,ray,ijustmightdothat.”

dad!he’shere.ifightthefog...fight...butispiraldownoncemoreinto

oblivion.no...

“detective,asyoucansee,mywifeisnostatetoansweranyofyour

questions.”christianisangry.

“she’saheadstrongyoungwoman,mr.grey.”

“iwishshe’dkilledthefucker.”

429|page

fiftyshadesfreed

“thatwouldha一vemeantmorepaperworkforme,mr.grey...”

“missmorganissingingliketheproverbialcanary.hyde’sarealtwistedson

ofabitch.hehasaseriousgrudgeagainstyourfatherandyou...”

thefogsurroundsmeoncemore,andi’mdraggeddown...down.no!

“whatdoyoumeanyouweren’ttalking?”it’sgrace.shesoundsangry.itry

tomovemyhead,buti’mmetwitharesounding,listlesssilencefrommy

body.

“whatdidyoudo?”

“mom—”

“christian!whatdidyoudo?”

“iwassoangry.”it’salmostasob...no.

“hey...”

theworlddipsandblursandi’mgone.

ihearsoftgarbledvoices.

“youtoldmeyou’dcutallties.”graceistalking.hervoiceisquiet,

admonishing.

“iknow.”christiansoundsresigned.“butseeingherfinallyputitallin

perspectiveforme.youknow...withthechild.forthefirsttimeifelt...

whatwedid...itwaswrong.”

“whatshediddarling...childrenwilldothattoyou.makeyoulookatthe

worldinadifferentlight.”

“shefinallygotthemessage...andsodidi...ihurtana,”hewhispers.

“wealwayshurttheoneswelove,darling.you’llha一vetotellheryou’resorry.

andmeanitandgivehertime.”

“shesaidshewaslea一vingme.”

no.no.no!

“didyoubelieveher?”

“atfirst,yes.”

“darling,youalwaysbelievetheworstofeveryone,includingyourself.you

alwaysha一ve.analovesyouverymuch,andit’sobvious430|page

eljames

youloveher.”

“shewasmadatme.”

“i’msureshewas.i’mprettymadatyourightnow.ithinkyoucanonlybetruly

madatsomeoneyoureallylove.”

“ithoughtaboutit,andshe’sshownmeoverandoverhowmuchsheloves

me...tothepointofputtingherownlifeindanger.”

“yes,shehas.oh,mom,whywon’tshewakeup?”hisvoicecracks.“inearly

losther.”

christian!therearemuffledsobs.no...oh...thedarknessclosesin.no

—

“it’stakentwenty-fouryearsforyoutoletmeholdyoulikethis..”

“iknow,mom...i’mgladwetalked.”

“metoo,darling.i’malwayshere.ican’tbelievei’mgoingtobea

grandmother.”

grandma!

sweetoblivionbeckons.

hmm.hisstubblesoftlyscrapesthebackofmyhandashesqueezesmy

fingers.

“oh,baby,pleasecomebacktome.i’msorry.sorryforeverything.just

wakeup.imissyou.iloveyou...”

itry.itry.iwanttoseehim.butmybodydisobeysme,andifallasleeponce

more.

iha一veapressingneedtopee.iopenmyeyes.i’mintheclean,sterile

environmentofahospitalroom.it’sdarkexceptforasidelight,andallis

quiet.myheadandmychestaches,butmorethanthat,mybladderis

bursting.ineedtopee.itestmylimbs.myrightarmsmarts,andinoticethe

ivattachedtoitontheinsideofmyelbow.ishutmyeyesquickly.turningmy

head—i’mpleasedthatitrespondstomywill—iopenmyeyesagain.

christianisasleep,sittingbesidemeandleaningonmybedwithhishead

onhisfoldedarms.ireachout,gratefuloncemorethatmybodyresponds,

andrunmyfingersthroughhissofthair.431|page

fiftyshadesfreed

he’sstartledawake,raisinghisheadsosuddenlymyhandfallsweaklyback

ontothebed.

“hi,”icroak.

“oh,ana.”hisvoiceischokedandrelieved.hegraspsmyhand,squeezing

ittightlyandholdingitupagainsthisrough,stubbledcheek.

“ineedtousethebathroom,”iwhisper.

hegapesthenfrownsatmeforamoment.“okay.”

istruggletositup.

“ana,staystill.i’llcallanurse.”hequicklystands,alarmed,andreachesfora

buzzeronthebedside.

“please,”iwhisper.whydoiacheeverywhere?“ineedtogetup.”

jeez,ifeelsoweak.

“willyoudoasyou’retoldforonce?”hesnaps,exasperated.

“ireallyneedtopee,”irasp.mythroatandmoutharesodry.anursebustles

intotheroom.shemustbeinherfifties,thoughherhairisjetblack.she

wearsoverlargepearlearrings.

“mrs.greywelcomeback.i’llletdr.bartleyknowyou’reawake.”

shemakesherwaytomybedside.“mynameisnora.doyouknowwhere

youare?”

“yes.hospital.ineedtopee.”

“youha一veacatheter.”

what?ohthisisgross.iglanceanxiouslyatchristianthenbacktothe

nurse.

“please.iwanttogetup.”

“mrs.grey.”

“please.”

“ana,”christianwarns.istruggletosituponcemore.

“letmeremoveyourcatheter.mr.greyiamsuremrs.greywouldlikesome

privacy.”shelookspointedlyatchristian,dismissinghim.

“i’mnotgoinganywhere.”heglaresbackather.

“christian,please,”iwhisper,reachingoutandgraspinghishand.brieflyhe

squeezesmyhandthengivesmeanexasperatedlook.

“please,”ibeg.

“fine!”hesnapsandrunshishandthroughhishair.“youha一vetwominutes,”

hehissesatthenurse,andheleansdownandkissesmyforeheadbefore

turningonhisheelandlea一vingtheroom.432|page

eljames

christianburstsbackintotheroomtwominuteslaterasnursenorais

helpingmeoutofbed.i’mdressedinathinhospitalgown.idon’tremember

beingstripped.

“letmetakeher,”hesaysandstridestowardus.

“mr.grey,icanmanage.”nursenorascoldshim.

hegivesherahostileglare.“dammit,she’smywife.i’lltakeher.”

hesaysthroughgrittedteethashemovestheivstandoutofhisway.

“mr.grey!”sheprotests.

heignoresher,leansdown,andgently,heliftsmeoffthebed.iwrapmy

armsaroundhisneck,mybodycomplaining.jeez,iacheeverywhere.he

carriesmetotheensuitebathroomwhilenursenorafollowsus,pushingthe

ivstand.

“mrs.grey,you’retoolight,”hemuttersdisapprovinglyashesetsmegently

onmyfeet.isway.mylegsfeellikejell-o.christianflipsthelightswitch,and

i’mmomentarilyblindedbythefluorescentlampthatpingsandflickerstolife.

“sitbeforeyoufall,”hesnaps,stillholdingme.

tentatively,isitdownonthetoilet.

“go.”itrytowa一vehimout.

“no.justpee,ana.”

couldthisbeanymoreembarrassing?“ican’t,notwithyouhere.”

“youmightfall.”

“mr.grey!”

webothignorethenurse.

“please,”ibeg.

heraiseshishandsindefeat.“i’llstandoutside,dooropen.”hetakesa

coupleofpacesbackuntilhe’sstandingjustoutsidethedoorwiththeangry

nurse.

“turnaround,please,”iask.whydoifeelsoridiculouslyshywiththisman?

herollshiseyesbutcomplies.andwhenhisbackisturned...iletgo,and

sa一vortherelief.

itakestockofmyinjuries.myheadhurts,mychestacheswherejackkicked

me,andmysidethrobswherehepushedmetotheground.plusi’mthirsty

andhungry.jeez,reallyhungry.ifinishup,thankfulthatidon’tha一vetogetup

towashmyhands,asthesinkisclose.ijustdon’tha一vethestrengthtostand.

433|page

fiftyshadesfreed

“i’mdone,”icall,dryingmyhandsonthetowel.

christianturnsandcomesbackinandbeforeiknowit,i’minhisarmsagain.

iha一vemissedthesearms.hepausesandburieshisnoseinmyhair.

“oh,i’vemissedyou,mrs.grey,”hewhispers,andwithnursenorafussing

behindhim,helaysmebackonthebedandreleasesme—reluctantly,i

think.

“ifyou’vequitefinished,mr.grey,i’dliketocheckovermrs.greynow.”

nursenoraismad.

hestandsback.“she’sallyours,”hesaysinamoremeasuredtone.she

huffsathimthenturnsherattentionbacktome.exasperatingisn’the?

“howdoyoufeel?”sheasksmehervoicelacedwithsympathyandatrace

ofirritation,whichisuspectisforchristian’sbenefit.

“sore,andthirsty.verythirsty,”iwhisper.

“i’llfetchyousomewateroncei’vecheckedyourvitalsanddr.bartleyhas

examinedyou.”

shereachesforabloodpressurecuffandwrapsitaroundmyupperarm.i

glanceanxiouslyupatchristian.helooksdreadful—haunted,even—asifhe

hasn’tsleptfordays.hishairisamess,hehasn’tsha一vedforalongtime,

andhisshirtisbadlywrinkled.ifrown.

“howareyoufeeling?”ignoringthenurse,hesitsdownonthebedoutof

arm’sreach.

“confused.achy.hungry.”

“hungry?”heblinksinsurprise.

inod.

“whatdoyouwanttoeat?”

“anything.soup.”

“mr.grey,you’llneedtothedoctor’sapprovalbeforemrs.greycaneat.”

hegazesatherimpassivelyforamomentthentakeshisblackberryoutof

hispantspocketandpressesanumber.

“anawantschickensoup...good...thankyou.”hehangsup.iglanceat

norawhoseeyesnarrowatchristian.

“taylor?”iaskquickly.

christiannods.

“yourbloodpressureisnormal,mrs.grey.i’llfetchthedoctor.”

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eljames

sheremovesthecuffand,withoutsomuchasanotherword,stalksoutofthe

room,radiatingdisapproval.

“ithinkyoumadenursenoramad.”

“iha一vethateffectonwomen.”hesmirks.

ilaugh,thenstopsuddenlyaspainradiatesthroughmychest.“yes,youdo.”

“ohana,ilovetohearyoulaugh.”

norareturnswithapitcherofwater.webothfallsilent,gazingateachother

asshepoursoutaglassandhandsittome.

“smallsipsnow,”shewarns.

“yes,ma’am,”imutterandtakeawelcomesipofcoolwater.ohmy.ittastes

perfect.itakeanother,andchristianwatchesmeintently.

“mia?”iask.

“she’ssafe.thankstoyou.”

“theydidha一veher?”

“yes.”

allthemadnesswasforareason.reliefspiralsthroughmybody.thank

god,thankgod,thankgodshe’sokay.ifrown.

“howdidtheygether?”

“elizabethmorgan,”hesayssimply.

“no!”

henods.“shepickedherupatmia’sgym.”

ifrown,stillnotunderstanding.

“ana,i’llfillyouinonthedetailslater.miaisfine,allthingsconsidered.she

wasdrugged.she’sgroggynowandshakenup,butbysomemiracleshe

wasn’tharmed.”christian’sjawclenches.“whatyoudid”—herunshishand

throughhishair—“wasincrediblybra一veandincrediblystupid.youcouldha一ve

beenkilled.”hiseyesblazeableak,chillinggray,andiknowhe’srestraining

hisanger.

“ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo,”iwhisper.

“youcouldha一vetoldme!”hesaysvehemently,fistinghishandsinhislap.

“hesaidhe’dkillherifitoldanyone.icouldn’ttakethatrisk.”

christiancloseshiseyes,dreadetchedinhisface.

“iha一vediedathousanddeathssincethursday.”

thursday?

“whatdayisit?”

435|page

fiftyshadesfreed

“it’salmostsaturday,”hesays,checkinghiswatch.“you’vebeen

unconsciousforovertwenty-fourhours.”

oh.

“andjackandelizabeth?”

“inpolicecustody.althoughhydeishereunderguard.theyhadtoremove

thebulletyouleftinhim,”christiansaysbitterly.“idon’tknowwhereinthis

hospitalheis,fortunately,ori’dprobablykillhimmyself.”hisfacedarkens.

ohshit.jackishere?

“that’sforsipyoufuckingbitch!”ipale.myemptystomachconvulses,tears

prickmyeyes,andadeepshudderrunsthroughme.

“hey.”christianscootsforward,hisvoicefilledwithconcern.takingthe

glassfrommyhand,hetenderlyfoldsmeintohisarms.

“you’resafenow,”hemurmursagainstmyhair,hisvoicehoarse.

“christian,i’msosorry.”mytearsstarttofall.

“hush.”hestrokesmyhair,andiweepintohisneck.

“whatisaid.iwasnevergoingtolea一veyou.”

“hush,baby,iknow.”

“youdo?”hisadmissionhaltsmytears.

“iworkeditout.eventually.honestly,ana,whatwereyouthinking?”histone

isstrained.

“youtookmebysurprise,”imutterintohisshirtcollar.“whenwespokeatthe

bank.thinkingiwaslea一vingyou.ithoughtyouknewmebetter.i’vesaidto

youoverandoveriwouldneverlea一ve.”

“butaftertheappallingwayi’vebeha一ved—”hisvoiceisbarelyaudible,and

hisarmstightenaroundme.“ithoughtforashorttimethati’dlostyou.”

“no,christian.never.ididn’twantyoutointerfere,andputmia’slifein

danger.”

hesighs,andidon’tknowifit’sfromanger,exasperation,orhurt.

“howdidyouworkitout?”iaskquicklytodistracthimfromhislineof

thought.reachingup,hetucksmyhairbehindmyear.

“i’djusttoucheddowninseattlewhenthebankcalled.lasti’dheard,you

wereillandgoinghome.”

“soyouwereinportlandwhensawyercalledyoufromthecar?”

“wewerejustabouttotakeoff.iwasworriedaboutyou,”hesayssoftly.

436|page

eljames

“youwere?”

hefrowns.“ofcourseiwas.”heskirtshisthumbovermybottomlip.“ispend

mylifeworryingaboutyou.youknowthat.”

oh,christian!

“jackcalledmeattheoffice,”imurmur.“hega一vemetwohourstogetthe

money.”ishrug.“ihadtolea一ve,anditjustseemedthebestexcuse.”

christian’smouthpressesintoahardline.“andyouga一vesawyertheslip.

he’smadatyou,aswell.”

“aswell?”

“aswellasme.”

ireachupandtentativelytouchhisface,runningmyfingersoverhisstubble.

hecloseshiseyes,leaningintomyfingers.

“don’tbemadatme.please,”iwhisper.

“iamsomadatyou.whatyoudidwasmonumentallystupid.borderingon

insane.”

“itoldyou,ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo.”