andhowmuchitsmarted.jeez—wasthatjustaweekago?
outsidetheplayroom,heslidesmedownhisbodyandsetsmeonmyfeet,
butkeepshisarmwrappedaroundmywaist.brisklyheunlocksthedoor.
italwayssmellsthesame:polishedwoodandcitrus.it’sactuallybecomea
comfortingsmell.releasingme,christianturnsmearounduntili’mfacing
awayfromhim.heundoesthescarf,andiblinkinthesoftlight.gently,he
pullsthehairpinsfrommyupdo,andmybraidfallsfree.hegraspsitand
tugsgentlysoiha一vetostepbackagainsthim.
“iha一veaplan,”hewhispersinmyear,sendingdeliciousshiversdownmy
spine.
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“ithoughtyoumight,”ianswer.hekissesmebeneathmyear.
“oh,mrs.grey,ido.”histoneissoft,mesmerizing.hetugsmybraidtothe
sideandplantsatrailofsoftkissesdownmythroat.
“firstweha一vetogetyounaked.”hisvoicehumslowinhisthroatand
resonatesthroughmybody.iwantthis—whateverhehasplanned.iwantto
connectthewayweknowhow.heturnsmearoundtofacehim.iglance
downathisjeans,thetopbuttonstillundone,andican’thelpmyself.
reachingout,ibrushmyindexfingeraroundthewaistband,feelingthehairs
ofhishappytrailticklemyknuckle.heinhalessharply,andilookuptomeet
hiseyes.istopattheunfastenedbutton.hiseyesdarkentoadeepergray..
.ohmy.
“youshouldkeeptheseon,”iwhisper.
“ifullyintendto,anastasia.”
andhemoves,grabbingmewithonehandtothebackofmyneckandthe
otheraroundmybackside.hepullsmeagainsthim,thenhismouthison
mineandhe’skissingmelikehislifedependsonit.whoa!
hewalksmebackward,ourtonguesentwined,untilifeelthewoodencross
behindme.heleansintome,thecontoursofhisbodypressingintomine.
“let’sgetridofthisdress,”hesays,peelingmydressupmythighs,myhips,
mybelly...deliciouslyslowly,thematerialskimmingovermyskin,skimming
overmybreasts.
“leanforward,”hesays.
icomply,andhepullsmydressovermyheadanddiscardsitonthefloor,
lea一vingmeinmysandals,panties,andbra.hiseyesblazeashegrasps
bothmyhandsandraisesthemovermyhead.heblinksonceandtiltshis
headtooneside,andiknowhe’saskingformypermission.whatishe
goingtodotome?iswallow,thennod,andatraceofanadmiring—almost
proud—smiletoucheshislips.heclipsmywristsintotheleathercuffsonthe
baraboveandproducesthescarfoncemore.
“thinkyou’veseenenough,”hemurmurs.hewrapsitaroundmyhead,
blindfoldingmeagain,andifeelafrissonrunthroughmeasallmyother
sensesheighten;thesoundofhissoftbreathing,myownexcitedresponse,
thebloodpulsinginmyears,christian’sscentmixed227|page
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withthecitrusandpolishintheroom—allareboughtintosharperfocus
becauseican’tsee.hisnosetouchesmine.
“i’mgoingtodriveyouwild,”hewhispers.hishandsgraspmyhips,andhe
movesdown,removingmypantiesashishandsglidedownmylegs.drive
mewild...wow.
“liftyourfeet,oneatatime.”iobligeandheremovesfirstmypanties,then
eachsandalinturn.gentlygraspingmyankle,hetugsmyleggentlytothe
right.
“step,”hesays.hecuffsmyrightankletothecrossthenproceedstodothe
samewithmyleft.iamhelpless,spread-eagledonthecross.standing,
christianstepstowardme,andmybodyisbathedinhiswarmthoncemore
thoughhedoesn’ttouchme.afteramomenthegraspsmychin,tiltsmyhead
up,andkissesmechastely.
“somemusicandtoys,ithink.youlookbeautifullikethis,mrs.grey.imay
takeamomenttoadmiretheview.”hisvoiceissoft.everythingclenches,
deepinside.
afteramoment,maybetwo,ihearhimpadquietlytothemuseumchestand
openoneofthedrawers.thebuttdrawer?iha一venoidea.hetakes
somethingoutandplacesitonthetop,followedbysomethingelse.what?
thespeakersspringtolife,andafteramomentthestrainsofasinglepiano
playingasoft,liltingmelodyfilltheroom.it’sfamiliar—bach,ithink—buti
don’tknowwhatpieceitis.somethingaboutthemusicmakesme
apprehensive.perhapsbecausethemusicistoocool,toodetached.ifrown,
tryingtograspwhyitunsettlesme,butchristiangraspsmychin,startlingme,
andtugsgentlysothatireleasemybottomlip.ismile,tryingtoreassure
myself.whydofeeluneasy?
isitthemusic?
christianrunshishandfrommychin,alongmythroat,anddownmychestto
mybreast.usinghisthumbhepullsonthecup,freeingmybreastfromthe
restraintofmybra.hemakesalow,appreciativehummingnoiseinhis
throatandkissesmyneck.hislipsfollowthepathofhisfingerstomybreast,
kissingandsuckingalltheway.hisfingersmovetomyleftbreast,releasing
itfrommybra.imoanasheskateshisthumbacrossmyleftnipple,andhis
lipsclosearoundmyright,tuggingandteasinggentlyuntilbothnipplesare
longandhard.
“ah.”
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hedoesn’tstop.slowly,withexquisitecare,heincreasestheintensityon
each.ipullfruitlesslyagainstmyrestraintsassharppleasurespikesfrommy
nipplestomygroin.itrytosquirmbuticanhardlymove,anditmakesthe
tortureallthemoreexquisite.
“christian,”iplead.
“iknow,”hemurmurshisvoicehoarse.“thisiswhatyoumakemefeel.”
what?igroan,andhebeginsagain,subjectingmynipplestohissweet
what?igroan,andhebeginsagain,subjectingmynipplestohissweet
agonizingtouchoverandover—takingmecloser.
“please,”imewl.
hemakesalowprimalsoundinhisthroat,thenstands,lea一vingmebereft,
breathless,andsquirmingagainstmyrestraints.herunshishandsdownmy
sides,onepausingonmyhipwhiletheothertra一velsdownmybelly.
“let’sseehowyou’redoing,”hecroonssoftly.gently,hecupsmysex,
brushinghisthumbacrossmyclitorisandmakingmecryout.slowly,he
insertsone,thentwofingersinsideme.igroanandthrustmyhipsforward,
eagertomeethisfingersandthepalmofhishand.
“oh,anastasia,you’resoready,”hesays.
hecircleshisfingersinsideme,aroundandaround,whilehisthumbstrokes
myclitoris,backandforth,oncemore.it’stheonlypointonmybodywhere
he’stouchingme,andallthetension,alltheanxietyoftheday,is
concentratedonthisonepartofmyanatomy.holyshit...it’sintense...
andstrange...themusic...ibegintobuild...christianshifts,hishand
stillmovingagainstandinme,andihearalowbuzzingnoise.
“what?”igasp.
“hush,”hesoothes,andhislipsareonmine,effectivelysilencingme.i
welcomethewarmer,moreintimatecontact,kissinghimvoraciously.he
breaksthecontactandthebuzzingnoisegetsnearer.
“thisisawand,baby.itvibrates.”
heholdsitagainstmychest,anditfeelslikealargeball-likeobjectvibrating
againstme.ishiverasitmovesacrossmyskin,downbetweenmybreasts,
acrosstofirstone,thentheothernipple,andi’mawashwithsensation,
tinglingeverywhere,synapsesfiringasdark,darkneedpoolsatthebaseof
mybelly.
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“ah,”igroan,whilechristian’sfingerscontinuetomoveinsideme.i’mclose
...allthisstimulation...tiltingmyheadback,imoanloudlyandchristian
stillshisfingers.allsensationstops.
“no!christian,”iplead,tryingtothrustmyhipsforwardforsomefriction.
“still,baby,”hesayswhilemyimpendingorgasmmeltsaway.heleans
forwardoncemoreandkissesme.
“frustrating,isn’tit?”hemurmurs.
ohno!suddenlyiunderstandhisgame.
“christian,please.”
“hush,”hesaysandkissesme.andhestartstomoveagain—wand,fingers,
thumb—alethalcombinationofsensualtorture.heshiftssohisbody
brushesagainstmine.he’sstilldressed,andthesoftdenimofhisjeans
brushesagainstmyleg,hiserectionatmyhip.sotantalizinglyclose.he
bringsmetothebrinkagain,mybodysingingwithneed,andstops.
“no,”imewlloudly.
heplantssoftwetkissesonmyshoulderashewithdrawshisfingersfrom
me,andmovesthewanddown.itoscillatesovermystomach,mybelly,onto
mysex,againstmyclitoris.fuck,it’sintense.
“ah!”icryout,pullinghardontherestraints.
mybodyissosensitizedifeeliamgoingtoexplode,andjustasiam,
christianstopsagain.
“christian!”icryout.
“frustrating,yes?”hemurmursagainstmythroat.“justlikeyou.promising
onethingandthen...”hisvoicetrailsoff.
“christian,please!”ibeg.
hepushesthewandagainstmeagainandagain,stoppingjustatthevital
momenteachtime.ah!
“eachtimeistop,itfeelsmoreintensewhenistartagain.right?”
“please,”iwhimper.mynerveendingsarescreamingforrelease.the
buzzingstopsandchristiankissesme.herunshisnosedownmine.“you
arethemostfrustratingwomaniha一veevermet.”
no,no,no.
“christian,ineverpromisedtoobeyyou.please,please—”
hemovesinfrontofme,grabsmybehindandpusheshishipsagainstme,
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ofhisjeanspressingintome,barelycontaininghiserection.withonehand
hepullsofftheblindfoldandgraspsmychin,andiblinkupintohisscorching
eyes.
“youdrivemecrazy,”hewhispers,flexinghishipsagainstmeonce,twice,
threetimesmore,causingmybodytospark—readytoburn.andagainhe
deniesme.iwanthimsobadly.ineedhimsobadly.iclosemyeyesand
mutteraprayer.ican’thelpbutfeeli’mbeingpunished.i’mhelplessandhe’s
ruthless.tearsspringtomyeyes.idon’tknowhowfarhe’sgoingtotake
this.
“please,”iwhisperoncemore.
buthegazesdownatme,implacable.he’sjustgoingtocontinue.forhow
long?caniplaythisgame?no.no.no—ican’tdothis.iknowhe’snot
goingtostop.he’sgoingtocontinuetotortureme.hishandtra一velsdownmy
bodyoncemore.no...andthedambursts—alltheapprehension,the
anxiety,andthefearfromthelastcoupleofdaysoverwhelmingmeanewas
tearsspringtomyeyes.iturnawayfromhim.thisisnotlove.it’srevenge.
“red,”iwhimper.“red.red.”thetearscoursedownmyface.hestills.“no,”
hegasps,stunned.“jesuschrist,no.”
hemovesquickly,unclippingmyhands,claspingmearoundmywaistand
leaningdowntounclipmyankles,whileiputmyheadinmyhandsandweep.
“no,no,no.ana,please.no.”
pickingmeup,hemovestothebed,sittingdownandcradlingmeinhislap
whileisobinconsolably.i’moverwhelmed...mybodywounduptobreaking
point,mymindablankandmyemotionsscatteredtothewind.hereaches
behindhim,dragsthesatinsheetoffthefour-posterbedanddrapesit
aroundme.thecoolsheetsfeelalienandunwelcomeagainstmysensitized
skin.hewrapshisarmsaroundme,huggingmeclose,rockingmegently
backwardandforward.
“i’msorry.i’msorry,”christianmurmurs,hisvoiceraw.hekissesmyhair
overandoveragain.“ana,forgiveme,please.”
turningmyfaceintohisneck,icontinuetocry,andit’sacatharticrelease.
somuchhashappenedoverthelastfewdays—firesincomputerrooms,car
chases,careersplannedoutforme,sluttyarchitects,armedlunaticsinthe
apartment,arguments,hisanger—andchristianhasbeenaway.ihate
christiangoingaway...iusethe231|page
fiftyshadesfreed
cornerofthesheettowipemynoseandgraduallybecomeawarethatthe
clinicaltonesofbacharestillechoingaroundtheroom.
“pleaseswitchthemusicoff.”isniff.
“yes,ofcourse.”christianshifts,notlettingmego,andpullstheremoteout
ofhisbackpocket.hepressesabuttonandthepianomusicceases,tobe
replacedbymyshudderingbreaths.“better?”heasks.inod,mysobs
easing.christianwipesmytearsawaygentlywithhisthumb.
“notafanofbach’sgoldbergvariations?”heasks.
“notthatpiece.”
hegazesdownatme,tryingandfailingtohidetheshameinhiseyes.
“i’msorry,”hesaysagain.
“whydidyoudothat?”myvoiceisbarelyaudibleasitrytoprocessmy
scrambledthoughtsandfeelings.
heshakeshisheadsadlyandcloseshiseyes.“igotlostinthemoment,”he
saysunconvincingly.
ifrownathim,andhesighs.“ana.orgasmdenialisastandardtoolin––you
never—”hestops.ishiftinhislap,andhewinces.oh.iflush.“sorry,”i
mutter.
herollshiseyes,thenleansbacksuddenly,takingmewithhim,sothatwe’re
bothlyingonthebed,meinhisarms.mybraisuncomfortable,andiadjustit.
“needahand?”heasksquietly.
ishakemyhead.idon’twanthimtotouchmybreasts.heshiftssohe’s
lookingdownatme,andtentativelyraisinghishand,hestrokeshisfingers
gentlydownmyface.tearspoolinmyeyesagain.howcanhebesocallous
oneminuteandsotenderthenext?
“pleasedon’tcry,”hewhispers.
i’mdazedandconfusedbythisman.myangerhasdesertedmeinmyhour
ofneed...ifeelnumb.iwanttocurlupinaballandwithdraw.iblink,trying
toholdbackmytearsasigazeintohisharrowedeyes.itakeashuddering
breath,myeyesnotlea一vinghis.whatamigoingtodowiththiscontrolling
man?learntobecontrolled?idon’tthinkso...
“ineverwhat?”iask
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“doasyou’retold.youchangedyourmind;youdidn’ttellmewhereyou
were.ana,iwasinnewyork,powerlessandlivid.ifi’dbeeninseattlei’d
ha一vebroughtyouhome.”
“soyouarepunishingme?”
heswallows,thencloseshiseyes.hedoesn’tha一vetoanswer,andiknow
thatpunishingmewashisexactintention.
“youha一vetostopdoingthis,”imurmur.
hisbrowfurrows.
“forastart,youonlyendupfeelingshittieraboutyourself.”
hesnorts.“that’strue,”hemutters.“idon’tliketoseeyoulikethis.”
“andidon’tlikefeelinglikethis.yousaidonthefairladythatyouhadn’t
marriedasubmissive.”
“iknow.iknow.”hisvoiceissoftandraw.
“wellstoptreatingmelikeone.i’msorryididn’tcallyou.iwon’tbesoselfish
again.iknowyouworryaboutme.”
hegazesatme,scrutinizingmeclosely,hiseyesbleakandanxious.
“okay.good,”hesayseventually.heleansdown,butpausesbeforehislips
touchmine,silentlyaskingifit’sallowed.iraisemyfacetohis,andhekisses
metenderly.
“yourlipsarealwayssosoftwhenyou’vebeencrying,”hemurmurs.
“ineverpromisedtoobeyyou,christian,”iwhisper.
“iknow.”
“dealwithit,please.forbothoursakes.andiwilltryandbemore
considerateofyour...controllingtendencies.”
heblinks,lookinglostandvulnerable,completelyatsea.
“i’lltry,”hemurmurs,hisvoiceburningwithsincerity.isigh,alongshuddering
sigh.“pleasedo.besides,ifihadbeenhere...”
“iknow,”hesaysandblanches.lyingback,heputshisfreearmoverhis
face.icurlaroundhimandlaymyheadonhischest.webothliesilentfora
fewmoments.hishandmovestotheendofmybraid.hepullsthetiefromit,
freeingmyhair,andgently,rhythmically,combshisfingersthroughit.thisis
whatthisisreallyabout—hisfear...hisirrationalfearformysafety.an
imageofjacksmith233|page
fiftyshadesfreed
slumpedonthefloorinmyapartmentwithaglockcomestomind...well,
maybenotsoirrational,whichremindsme...
“whatdidyoumeanearlier,whenyousaidor?”iask.
“or?”
“somethingaboutjack.”
hepeersdownatme.“youdon’tgiveup,doyou?”
irestmychinonhissternum,enjoyingthesoothingcaressofhisfingersin
myhair.
“giveup?never.tellme.idon’tlikebeingkeptinthedark.youseemto
ha一vesomeoverblownideathatineedprotecting.youdon’tevenknowhow
toshoot—ido.doyouthinkican’thandlewhateveritisyouwon’ttellme,
christian?i’vehadyourstalkerex-subpullagunonme,yourpedophileexlover
harassme—anddon’tlookatmelikethat,”isnapwhenhescowlsat
me.“yourmotherfeelsthesamewayabouther.”
“youtalkedtomymotheraboutelena?”christian’svoicerisesafew
octa一ves.
“yes,graceanditalkedabouther.”
hegapesatme.
“she’sveryupsetaboutit.blamesherself.”
“ican’tbelieveyouspoketomymother.shit!”heliesdownandputshisarm
overhisfaceagain.
“ididn’tgointoanyspecifics.”
“ishouldhopenot.gracedoesn’tneedallthegorydetails.christ,ana.my
dad,too?”
“no!”ishakemyheadvehemently.idon’tha一vethatkindofrelationshipwith
carrick.hiscommentsabouttheprenupstillsting.
“anyway,you’retryingtodistractme—again.jack.whatabouthim?”
christianliftshisarmbrieflyandgazesatme,hisexpressionunreadable.
sighing,heputshisarmbackoverhisface.
“hydeisimplicatedincharlietango’ssabotage.theinvestigatorsfounda
partialprint—justpartial,sotheycouldn’tmakeamatch.butthenyou
recognizedhydeintheserverroom.hehasconvictionsasaminorin
detroit,andtheprintsmatchedhis.”
mymindreelsasitrytoabsorbthisinformation.jackbroughtdowncharlie
tango?butchristianisonaroll.“thismorning,acargovanwasfoundinthe
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deliveredsomeshittothatnewguywho’smovedin.theguywemetinthe
elevator.”
“idon’trememberhisname.”
“meneither.”christiansays.“butthat’showhydemanagedtogetintothe
buildinglegitimately.hewasworkingforadeliverycompany—”
“and?what’ssoimportantaboutthevan?”
christiansaysnothing.
“christian,tellme.”
“thecopsfound...thingsinthevan.”hestopsagainandtightenshishold
aroundme.
“whatthings?”
he’squietforseveralmoments,andiopenmymouthtoprompthimagain,
buthespeaks.“amattress,enoughhorsetranquilizertotakedownadozen
horses,andanote.”hisvoicehassoftenedtobarelyawhisperwhilehorror
andrevulsionrolloffhim.
holyfuck.
“note?”myvoicemirrorshis.
“addressedtome.”
“whatdiditsay?”
christianshakeshishead,indicatinghedoesn’tknoworthathewon’t
pulgeitscontents.
oh.
“hydecameherelastnightwiththeintentionofkidnappingyou.”
christianfreezes,hisfacetautwithtension.ashesaysthosewordsirecall
theducttape,andashudderrunsthroughme,thoughdeepdownthisisnot
newstome.
“shit,”imutter.
“quite,”christiansaystightly.
itryandrememberjackintheoffice.washealwaysinsane?howdidhe
thinkhecouldgetawaywiththis?imeanhewasprettycreepy,butthis
unhinged?
“idon’tunderstandwhy,”imurmur.“itdoesn’tmakesensetome.”
“iknow.thepolicearediggingfurther,andsoiswelch.butwethinkdetroit
istheconnection.”
“detroit?”igazeathim,confused.
“yeah.there’ssomethingthere.”
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“istilldon’tunderstand.”
christianliftshisfaceandgazesatme,hisexpressionunreadable.
“ana,iwasbornindetroit.”
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