chaptertwelve
“ithoughtyouwerebornhereinseattle,”imurmur.mymindraces.what
doesthisha一vetodowithjack?christianraisesthearmcoveringhisface,
reachesbehindhim,andgrabsoneofthepillows.placingitunderhishead,
hesettlesbackandgazesatme,hisexpressionwary.afteramomenthe
shakeshishead.
“no.elliotandiwerebothadoptedindetroit.wemovedhereshortlyafter
myadoption.gracewantedtobeonthewestcoast,awayfromtheurban
sprawl,andshegotajobatnorthwesthospital.iha一veverylittlememoryof
thattime.miawasadoptedhere.”
“sojackisfromdetroit?”
“yes.”
oh...“howdoyouknow?”
“iranabackgroundcheckwhenyouwenttoworkforhim.”
ofcoursehedid.“doyouha一veamanilafileonhim,too?”ismirkupathim.
christian’smouthtwistsashehideshisamusement.“ithinkit’spaleblue.”
hisfingerscontinuetorunthroughmyhair.it’ssoothing.
“whatdoesitsayinhisfile?”
christianblinks.reachingdownhestrokesmycheek.“youreallywantto
know?”
“isitthatbad?”
heshrugs.“i’veknownworse,”hewhispers.
no!ishereferringtohimself?andtheimageiha一veofchristianasasmall,
dirty,fearful,lostboycomestomind.icurlaroundhim,holdinghimtighter,
pullingthesheetoverhim,andilaymycheekagainsthischest.
“what?”heasks,puzzledbymyreaction.
“nothing,”imurmur.
“no,no.thisworksbothways,ana.whatisit?”
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iglanceupassessinghisapprehensiveexpression.restingmycheekupon
hischestoncemore,idecidetotellhim.“sometimesipictureyouasachild
...beforeyoucametolivewiththegreys.”
christianstiffens.“iwasn’ttalkingaboutme.idon’twantyourpity,anastasia.
thatpartofmylifeisdone.gone.”
“it’snotpity,”iwhisper,appalled.“it’ssympathyandsorrow—
sorrowthatanyonecoulddothattoachild.”itakeadeepsteadyingbreath
asmystomachtwistsandtearsprickmyeyesanew.“thatpartofyourlifeis
notdone,christian—howcanyousaythat?youliveeverydaywithyourpast.
youtoldmeyourself—fiftyshades,remember?”myvoiceisbarelyaudible.
christiansnortsandrunshisfreehandthroughhishair,thoughheremains
silentandtensebeneathme.
“iknowit’swhyyoufeeltheneedtocontrolme.keepmesafe.”
“andyetyouchoosetodefyme,”hemurmursbaffled,hishandstillinginmy
hair.
ifrown.holycow!doidothatdeliberately?mysubconsciousremovesher
half-moonglassesandchewstheend,pursingherlipsandnodding.iignore
her.thisisconfusing—i’mhiswife,nothissubmissive,notsomecompany
he’sacquired.i’mnotthecrackwhorewhowashismother...fuck.the
thoughtissickening.dr.flynn’swordscomebacktome:
“justkeepdoingwhatyou’redoing.christianisheadoverheels...it’sa
delighttosee.”
that’sit.i’mjustdoingwhati’vealwaysdone.isn’tthatwhatchristianfound
attractiveinthefirstplace?
oh,thismanissoconfusing.
“dr.flynnsaidishouldgiveyouthebenefitofthedoub一t.ithinkido—i’mnot
sure.perhapsit’smywayofbringingyouintothehereandnow—awayfrom
yourpast,”iwhisper.“idon’tknow.ijustcan’tseemtogetahandleonhow
faryou’lloverreact.”
he’ssilentforamoment.“fuckingflynn,”hemutterstohimself.
“hesaidishouldcontinuetobeha一vethewayi’vealwaysbeha一vedwithyou.”
“didhenow?”christiansaysdryly.
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okay.heregoesnothing.“christian,iknowyoulovedyourmom,andyou
couldn’tsa一veher.itwasn’tyourjobtodothat.buti’mnother.”
hefreezesagain.“don’t,”hewhispers.
“no,listen.please.”iraisemyheadtostareintograyeyesthatareparalyzed
withfear.he’sholdinghisbreath.oh,christian...myheartconstricts.“i’m
nother.i’mmuchstrongerthanshewas.iha一veyou,andyou’resomuch
strongernow,andiknowyouloveme.iloveyou,too,”iwhisper.
hisbrowcreasesasifmywordswerenotwhatheexpected.“doyoustill
loveme?”heasks.
“ofcourseido.christian,iwillalwaysloveyou.nomatterwhatyoudoto
me.”isthisthereassurancehewants?
heexhalesandcloseshiseyes,placinghisarmoverhisfaceagain,but
huggingmecloser,too.
“don’thidefromme.”reachingup,igrasphishandandpullhisarmaway
fromhisface.“you’vespentyourlifehiding.pleasedon’t,notfromme.”
heblinksdownatmewithincredulityandfrowns.“hiding?”
“yes.”
heshiftssuddenly,rollingoverontohissideandmovingmesothatiam
lyingbesidehimonthebed.hereachesup,smoothesmyhairoffmyface
andtucksitbehindmyear.
“youaskedmeearliertodayifihatedyou.ididn’tunderstandwhy,andnow
—”hestops,staringdownatmeasifi’macompleteconundrum.
“youstillthinkihateyou?”nowmyvoiceisincredulous.
“no.”heshakeshishead.“notnow.”helooksrelieved.“butineedtoknow
—whydidyousafeword,ana?”
iblanch.whatcanitellhim?thathefrightenedme.thatididn’tknowifhe’d
stop.thatibeggedhim—andhedidn’tstop.thatididn’twantthingsto
escalate...like—likethatonetimeinhere.ishudderasirecallhim
whippingmewithhisbelt.
iswallow.“because...becauseyouweresoangryanddistantand...cold.
ididn’tknowhowfaryou’dgo.”
hisexpressionisunreadable.
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“wereyougoingtoletmecome?”myvoiceisbarelyawhisper,andifeela
blushstealovermycheeks,butiholdhisgaze.
“no,”hesayseventually.
holycrap.“that’s...harsh.”
hisknucklegentlygrazesmycheek.“buteffective,”hemurmurs.hegazes
downatmeasifhe’stryingtoseeintomysoul,hiseyesdarkening.afteran
eternity,hemurmurs,“i’mgladyoudid.”
oh!“really?”idon’tunderstand.
hislipstwistinasadsmile.“yes.idon’twanttohurtyou.igotcarriedaway.”
hereachesdownandkissesme.“lostinthemoment.”
hekissesmeagain.“happensalotwithyou.”
oh?andforsomebizarrereasonthethoughtpleasesme...igrin.why
doesthatmakemehappy?hegrins,too.
“idon’tknowwhyyou’regrinning,mrs.grey.”
“meneither.”
hewrapshimselfaroundmeandplaceshisheadonmychest.wearea
tangleofnakedanddenim-cladlimbs,andsatinredsheets.istrokehisback
withonehandandrunthefingersofmyotherhandthroughhishair.hesighs
andrelaxesinmyarms.
“itmeansicantrustyou...tostopme.ineverwanttohurtyou,”
hemurmurs.“ineed—”hehalts.
“youneedwhat?”
“ineedcontrol,ana.likeineedyou.it’stheonlywayicanfunction.ican’tlet
goofit.ican’t.i’vetried...andyet,withyou...”heshakeshisheadin
exasperation.
iswallow.thisistheheartofourdilemma—hisneedforcontrolandhisneed
forme.irefusetobelievethesearemutuallyexclusive.
“ineedyou,too,”iwhisper,hugginghimtighter.“i’lltry,christian.i’lltrytobe
moreconsiderate.”
“iwantyoutoneedme,”hemurmurs.
holycow.ofcourseineedhim!
“ido.”myvoiceisimpassioned.ineedhimsomuch.ilovehimsomuch.
“iwanttolookafteryou.”
“youdo.allthetime.imissedyousomuchwhileyouwereaway.”
“youdid?”hesoundssosurprised.
“yes,ofcourse.ihateyougoingaway.”
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isensehissmile.“youcouldha一vecomewithme.”
“christian,please.let’snotrehashthatargument.iwanttowork.”
hesighsasiworkmyfingersgentlythroughhishair.
“iloveyou,ana.”
“iloveyou,too,christian.iwillalwaysloveyou.”
webothliestillinthecalm,quietafterourstorm.listeningtothesteadybeat
ofhisheart,idriftexhaustedintosleep.
iwakewithastart,disorientated.whereami?theplayroom.thelightsare
stillon,softlyilluminatingthebloodredwalls.christianmoansagain,andi
realizethisiswhatwokeme.
“no,”hegroans.he’ssprawledoutbesideme,hisheadback,hiseyes
screwedshut,hisfacecontortedinanguish.
holyshit.he’sha一vinganightmare.
“no!”hecriesoutagain.
“christian,wakeup.”istruggletositup,kickingoffthesheet.kneeling
besidehim,igrabhisshouldersandshakehimastearsspringtomyeyes.
“christian,please.wakeup!”
hiseyesspringopen,grayandwild,hispupilsenlargedwithfear.hestares
vacantlyupatme.
“christian,you’reha一vinganightmare.you’rehome.you’resafe.”
heblinks,looksaroundfrantically,andfrownsashetakesinour
surroundings.thenhiseyesarebackonmine.“ana,”hebreathes,andwith
nopreamblewhatsoeverhereachesupwithbothhands,grabbingmyface,
andpullsmedownontohischestandkissesme.hard.histongueinvades
mymouth,andhetastesofdesperationandneed.barelygivingmea
chancetobreathe,herollsover,hislipslockedtomine,sothathe’spressing
meintothefour-poster’shardmattress.oneofhishandsclaspsmyjaw,the
otherspreadsoutontopofmyhead,keepingmestillashiskneepartsmy
legsandhenestles,stillclothedinhisjeans,betweenmythighs.
“ana,”hegasps,asifhecan’tbelievei’mtherewithhim.hegazesdownat
meforasplitsecond,allowingmeamomenttobreathe.thenhislipsareon
mineagain,plunderingmymouth,takingalliha一vetogive.hegroansloudly,
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fiftyshadesfreed
indenimpushesintomysoftflesh.oh...imoan,andallthepent-upsexual
tensionofearliererupts,resurfacingwithavengeance,flushingmysystem
withdesireandneed.drivenbyhisdemons,heurgentlykissesmyface,my
eyes,mycheeks,alongmyjaw.
“i’mhere,”iwhisper,tryingtocalmhim,ourheated,pantingbreathmingling.i
wrapmyarmsaroundhisshoulders,asigrindmypelvisagainsthisin
welcome.
“oh,ana,”hepants,hisvoiceroughandlow.“ineedyou.”
“me,too,”iwhisperurgently,mybodydesperateforhistouch.iwanthim.i
wanthimnow.iwanttohealhim.iwanttohealme...ineedthis.hishand
reachesdownandtugsonthebuttonofhisfly,fumblingmomentarily,then
freeinghiserection.
holyshit.myheartlurchesasifleetinglythinkiwasasleeplessthana
minuteago.heshifts,staringdownatmeforasplitsecond,suspended
aboveme.
“yes.please,”ibreathe,myvoicehoarseandneedy.andinoneswiftmove
heburieshimselfinsideme.
“ah!”icryout,notfromanypain,butfromsurpriseathisalacrity.hegroans,
andhislipsfindmineagainashepushesintome,overandover,histongue
possessingme,too.hemovesfrantically,compelledbyhisfear,hislust,his
desire,his—love?idon’tknow,butimeethimthrustforthrust,welcoming
him.
“ana,”hegrowlsalmostinarticulately,andhecomespowerfully,pouring
himselfintome,hisfacestrained,hisbodyrigid,beforehecollapseswithhis
fullweightontome,panting,andhelea一vesmehanging...again.
holyshit.thisisnotmynight.myinnergoddessispreparingtodisembowel
herself.iholdhim,drawinginalungfulofairandpracticallywrithingwithneed
beneathhim.heeasesoutofmeandholdsmeforminutes...many
minutes.finallyheshakeshisheadandleansuponhiselbows,takingsome
ofhisweight.hegazesdownatmeasifseeingmeforthefirsttime.
“oh,ana.sweetjesus.”hebendsandkissesmetenderly.
“youokay?”ibreathe,reachingupandcaressinghislovelyface.heblinks
andnods.helooksshakenandmostdefinitelystirred;myownlostboy.he
frownsandstaresintentlyintomyeyesasiffinallyregisteringwhereheis.
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“you?”heasks,concernevidentinhisvoice.
“um...”iwrigglebeneathhimandafteramomenthesmiles,aslowcarnal
smile.
“mrs.grey,youha一veneeds,”hemurmurs.hekissesmeswiftly,thenscoots
offthebed.
what?
kneelingonthefloorattheendofthebed,hereachesup,grabsmejust
abovethekneesandpullsmetowardhimsomybehindisontheedgeofthe
bed.
“situp,”hemurmurs.istruggleintoasittingposition,myhairfallinglikeaveil
aroundme,downtomybreasts.hisgraygazeholdsmineashegently
pushesmylegsapartasfarasthey’llgo.ileanbackonmyhands—knowing
fullwellwhathe’sgoingtodo.but...he’sjust...um...
“youaresofuckingbeautiful,ana,”hebreathes,andiwatchhiscopperhaired
headdipandplantatrailofkissesupmyrightthigh,headingnorth.
mywholebodyclenchesinanticipation.heglancesupatme,hiseyes
darkeningthroughlonglashes.
“watch,”heraspsthenhismouthisonme.
ohmy.icryoutastheworldisconcentratedattheapexofmythighs,and
it’ssoerotic—fuck—watchinghim.watchinghistongueagainstwhatfeels
likethemostsensitivepartofmybody.andheshowsnomercy,teasingand
taunting,worshippingme.mybodytensesandmyarmsstarttotremblefrom
thestrainofstayingupright.
“no...ah,”imurmur.gently,heeasesonelongfingerinsidemeandican
bearitnomore,collapsingbackontothebed,relishingthismouthand
fingersonandinme.slowlyandgently,hemassagesthatsweet,sweetspot
deepinsideme.andthat’sit—i’mgone.iexplodearoundhim,cryingoutan
incoherentrenditionofhisnameasmyintenseorgasmarchesmybackoff
thebed.ithinkiseestarsit’ssuchavisceralprimalfeeling...vaguelyi’m
awarethathe’snuzzlingmybelly,givingmesoft,sweetkisses.reaching
down,icaresshishair.
“i’mnotfinishedwithyouyet,”hemurmurs.andbeforei’vefullycomebackto
seattle,planetearth,he’sreachingforme,graspingmyhipsandpullingme
offthebedtowhere’she’skneeling,andintohiswaitinglapandontohis
waitingerection.
igaspashefillsme.holycow...
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“oh,baby,”hebreathesashewrapshisarmsaroundmeandstills,cradling
myheadandkissingmyface.heflexeshiships,andpleasurespikeshot
andhardfromdeepwithinme.hereachesformybehindandliftsme,
rockinghisgroinupward.
“ah,”imoan,andhislipsareonmineagainasheslowly,ohsoslowly,lifts
androcks...liftsandrocks.ithrowmyarmsaroundhisneck,surrendering
tohisgentlerhythmandtowhereverhe’lltakeme.iflexmythighs,ridinghim
...hefeelssogood.leaningbackward,itiltmyheadback,mymouthopen
wideinasilentexpressionofmypleasure,revelinginhissweetlovemaking.
“ana,”hebreathes,andheleansdown,kissingmythroat.holdingmetight,
slowlyeasinginandout,pushingme...higherandhigher...soexquisitely
timed—afluidcarnalforce.blissfulpleasureradiatesoutwardfromdeep,
deepinsidemeasheholdsmesointimately.
“iloveyou,ana,”hewhispersclosetomyear,hisvoicelowandharsh,and
heliftsmeagain—up,down,up,down.icurlmyhandsbackaroundhisneck
intohishair.
“iloveyou,too,christian.”openingmyeyes,ifindhe’sgazingatme,andalli
seeishislove,shiningbrightandboldinthesoftglowoftheplayroomlight,
hisnightmareseeminglyforgotten.andasifeelmybodybuildtowardmy
release,irealizethisiswhatiwanted—thisconnection,thisdemonstrationof
ourlove.
“comeforme,baby,”hewhispers,hisvoicelow.iscrewmyeyesshutasmy
bodytightensatthelowsoundofhisvoice,andicomeloudly,spiralinginto
anintenseclimax.hestills,hisforeheadagainstmine,ashesoftlywhispers
myname,wrapshisarmsaroundmeandfindshisownrelease.
heliftsmegentlyandlaysmeonthebed.ilieinhisarms,wrungoutand
finallysated.henuzzlesmyneck.
“betternow?”hewhispers.
“hmm.”
“shallwegotobed,ordoyouwanttosleephere?”
“hmm.”
“mrs.grey,talktome.”hesoundsamused.
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“hmm.”
“isthatthebestyoucando?”
“hmm.”
“come.letmeputyoutobed.idon’tlikesleepinghere.”
reluctantly,ishiftandturntofacehim.“wait,”iwhisper.heblinksatme,
lookingallwide-eyedandinnocent,andatthesametimethoroughlyfucked
andpleasedwithhimself.
“areyouokay?”iask.
henods,smilingsmuglylikeanadolescentboy.“iamnow.”
“oh,christian,”iscoldandreachuptogentlystrokehislovelyface.“iwas
talkingaboutyournightmare.”
hisexpressionfreezesmomentarily,thenhecloseshiseyesandtightenshis
armsaroundme,buryinghisfaceinmyneck.
“don’t,”hewhispers,hisvoicehoarseandraw.myheartlurchesandtwists
oncemoreinmychest,andiclutchhimtightly,runningmyhandsdownhis
backandthroughhishair.
“i’msorry,”iwhisper,alarmedbyhisreaction.holyfuck—howcanikeepup
withthesemoodswings?whatthehellwashisnightmareabout?idon’t
wanttocausehimanymorepainbymakinghimrelivethedetails.“it’sokay,”
imurmursoftly,desperatetobringhimbacktotheplayfulboyofamoment
ago.“it’sokay,”irepeatoverandoversoothingly.
“let’sgotobed,”hesaysquietlyafterawhile,andhepullsawayfromme,
lea一vingmeemptyandachingasherisesfromthebed.iscrambleafterhim,
keepingthesatinsheetwrappedaroundme,andbendtopickupmy
clothes.
“lea一vethose,”hesays,andbeforeiknowit,hescoopsmeupinhisarms.“i
don’twantyoutotripoverthissheetandbreakyourneck.”iputmyarms
aroundhimmarvelingthathe’srecoveredhiscomposure,andnuzzlehimas
hecarriesmedownstairstoourbedroom.
myeyesspringopen.somethingiswrong.christianisnotinbed,thoughit’s
stilldark.glancingattheradioalarm,iseeit’sthreetwentyinthemorning.