isbuilding,buildingtoanexplosion—withtherelentless
vibrationsandthesweet,sweettortureofmynipples.
vibrationsandthesweet,sweettortureofmynipples.
holyhell.itwillbetoointense.hishandsmovefrommy
hips,downandaround,slickandoiled,touching,feeling,
kneadingmyskin—kneadingmybehind.
“sobeautiful,”hemurmursandsuddenlyhegently
pushesananointedfingerinsideme...there!intomy
backside.fuck.itfeelsalien,full,forbidden...but
oh...so...good.andhemovesslowly,easinginand
out,whilehisteethgrazemyupturnedchin.
“sobeautiful,ana.”
i’msuspendedhigh—highaboveawide,widera一vine,
andi’msoaringthenfallinggiddilyatthesametime,
plungingtotheearth.icanholdonnomore,andiscream
asmybodyconvulsesandclimaxesattheoverwhelming
fullness.asmybodyexplodes,i’mnothingbutsensation
—everywhere.christianreleasesfirstoneandthenthe
otherclamp,causingmynipplestosingwithasurgeof
sweet,sweetpainfulfeeling,butit’soh-so-goodand
causingmyorgasm,thisorgasm,togoonandon.his
fingerstayswhereitis,gentlyeasinginandout.
“argh!”icryout,andchristianwrapshimselfaround
me,holdingme,asmybodycontinuestopulsemercilessly
inside.
“no!”ishoutagain,pleading,andthistimehetugsthe
vibratoroutofme,andhisfinger,too,asmybody
continuestoconvulse.
heunstrapsoneofthecuffssothatmyarmsfall
forward.myheadlollsonhisshoulder,andiamlost,lost
toallthisoverwhelmingsensation.i’mallshatteredbreath,
exhausteddesireandsweet,welcomeoblivion.
exhausteddesireandsweet,welcomeoblivion.
vaguely,i’mawarethatchristianliftsme,carriesme
overtothebed,andlaysmedownonthecoolsatin
sheets.afteramoment,hishands,stilloiled,gentlyrubthe
backsofmythighs,myknees,mycalves,andmy
shoulders.ifeelthebeddipashestretchesoutbesideme.
hepullsthemaskoff,butidon’tha一vetheenergyto
openmyeyes.findingmybraidheundoesthehairtieand
leansforward,kissingmesoftlyonmylips.onlymy
erraticbreathingdisturbsthesilenceintheroomand
steadiesasifloatgentlybacktoearth.themusichas
stopped.
“sobeautiful,”hemurmurs.
whenipersuadeoneeyetoopen,he’sgazingdown
atme,smilingsoftly.
“hi,”hesays.imanageagruntinresponse,andhis
smilebroadens.“rudeenoughforyou?”
inodandgivehimareluctantgrin.jeez,anyruderand
i’dha一vetospankthepairofus.
“ithinkyou’retryingtokillme,”imutter.
“deathbyorgasm.”hesmirks.“thereareworse
waystogo,”hesaysbutthenfrownseversoslightlyasan
unpleasantthoughtcrosseshismind.itdistressesme.i
reachupandcaresshisface.
“youcankillmelikethisanytime,”iwhisper.inotice
thathe’sgloriouslynakedandreadyforaction.whenhe
takesmyhandandkissesmyknuckles,ileanupand
capturehisfacebetweenmyhandsandpullhismouthto
mine.hekissesmebriefly,thenstops.
“thisiswhatiwanttodo,”hemurmursandreaches
“thisiswhatiwanttodo,”hemurmursandreaches
beneathhispillowforthemusiccenterremote.hepresses
abuttonandthesoftstrainsofaguitarechoroundthe
walls.
“iwanttomakelovetoyou,”hesaysgazingdownat
me,hisgrayeyesburningwithbright,lovingsincerity.
softlyinbackground,afamiliarvoicestartstosing“the
firsttimeeverisawyourface.”andhislipsfindmine.
asitightenaroundhim,findingmyreleaseoncemore,
christianunra一velsinmyarms,hisheadthrownbackashe
callsoutmyname.heclaspsmetightlytohischestaswe
sitnosetonoseinthemiddleofhisvastbed,meastride
him.andinthismoment—thismomentofjoywiththis
mantothismusic—theintensityofmyexperiencethis
morninginherewithhimandallthathasoccurredduring
thepastweekoverwhelmsmeanew,notjustphysically
butemotionally.iamcompletelyovercomewithallthese
feelings.iamsodeeply,deeplyinlovewithhim.forthe
firsttimei’mofferedaglimmerofunderstandingastohow
hefeelsaboutmysafety.
recallinghisclosecallwithcharlietangoyesterday,i
shudderatthethoughtandtearspoolinmyeyes.if
anythingeverhappenedtohim—ilovehimso.mytears
rununcheckeddownmycheeks.somanysidesof
christian—hissweet,gentlepersonaandhisrugged,ican-
do-what-i-fucking-well-like-to-you-and-you’ll-comelike-
a-traindominantside—hisfiftyshades—allofhim.
allspectacular.allmine.andi’mawarewedon’tknow
eachotherwell,andweha一veamountainofissuesto
overcome,butiknowforeachother,wewill—andwe’ll
ha一vealifetimetodoit.
“hey,”hebreathes,claspingmyheadinhishands,
gazingdownatme.he’sstillinsideme.“whyareyou
crying?”hisvoiceisfilledwithconcern.
“becauseiloveyousomuch,”iwhisper.hehalfcloses
hiseyesasifdrugged,absorbingmywords.when
heopensthemagain,theyblazewithhislove.
“andiyou,ana.youmakeme...whole.”hekisses
megentlyasrobertaflackfinisheshersong.
weha一vetalkedandtalkedandtalked,sittingupright
togetheronthebedintheplayroom,meinhislap,ourlegs
curledaroundeachother.theredsatinsheetisdraped
arounduslikearoyalcocoon,andiha一venoideahow
muchtimehaspassed.christianislaughingatmy
impersonationofkatherineduringthephotoshootatthe
heathman.
“tothinkitcouldha一vebeenherwhocameto
interviewme.thankthelordforthecommoncold,”he
murmursandkissesmynose.
“ibelieveshehadflu,christian,”iscoldhim,trailing
myfingersidlythroughhischesthairandmarvelingthat
he’stoleratingitsowell.“allthecanesha一vegone,”i
murmur,recallingmydistractionfromearlier.hetucksmy
hairbehindmyearfortheumpteenthtime.
“ididn’tthinkyou’devergetpastthathardlimit.”
“no,idon’tthinkiwill,”iwhisperwide-eyedathim,
thenfindmyselfglancingoveratthewhips,paddlesand
floggersliningtheoppositewall.hefollowsmygaze.
“youwantmetogetridofthem,too?”he’samused
butsincere.
“notthecrop...thebrownone.orthatsuede
flogger,youknow.”iflush.
hesmilesdownatme.
“okay,thecropandtheflogger.why,misssteele,
you’refullofsurprises.”
“asareyou,mr.grey.it’soneofthethingsilove
aboutyou.”ikisshimgentlyatthecornerofhismouth.
“whatelsedoyouloveaboutme?”heasksandhis
eyeswiden.
iknowit’sahugedealforhimtoaskthisquestion.it
humblesmeandiblinkathim.iloveeverythingabouthim
—evenhisfiftyshades.iknowthatlifewithchristianwill
neverbeboring.
“this.”istrokemyindexfingeracrosshislips.“ilove
this,andwhatcomesoutofit,andwhatyoudotomewith
it.andwhat’sinhere.”icaresshistemple.“you’reso
smartandwittyandknowledgeable,competentinsomany
things.butmostofall,ilovewhat’sinhere.”ipressmy
palmgentlyagainsthischest,feelinghissteady,beating
heart.“youarethemostcompassionatemani’vemet.
whatyoudo.howyouwork.it’sawe-inspiring,”i
whisper.
“awe-inspiring?”he’spuzzled,butthere’satraceof
“awe-inspiring?”he’spuzzled,butthere’satraceof
humoronhisface.thenhisfacetransforms,andhisshy
smileappearsasifhe’sembarrassed,andiwanttolaunch
myselfathim.soido.
iamdozing,wrappedinsatinandgrey.christiannuzzles
meawake.
“hungry?”hewhispers
“hmm,famished.”
“me,too.”
ileanuptogazedownathimsprawledonthebed.
“it’syourbirthday,mr.grey.i’llcookyousomething.
whatwouldyoulike?”
“surpriseme.”herunshishanddownmyback,
strokingmegently.“ishouldcheckmyblackberryforall
themessagesimissedyesterday.”hesighsandstartsto
situp,andiknowthisspecialtimeisover...fornow.
“let’sshower,”hesays.
whoamitoturndownthebirthdayboy?
christianisinhisstudyonthephone.tayloriswithhim,
lookingseriousbutcasualinjeansandatight,blacktshirt.
ibusymyselfinthekitchenfixinglunch.iha一vefound
salmonsteaksinthefridge,andi’mpoachingthemwith
lemon,makingasalad,andboilingsomebabypotatoes.i
feelextraordinarilyrelaxedandhappy,ontopoftheworld
—literally.turningtowardthelargewindow,istareoutat
thegloriousbluesky.allthattalking...allthat
thegloriousbluesky.allthattalking...allthat
sexing...hmm.agirlcouldgetusedtothat.
tayloremergesfromthestudy,interruptingmyreverie.
iturndownmyipodandtakeoutanearbud.
“hi,taylor.”
“ana.”henods.
“yourdaughterokay?”
“yes,thanks.myex-wifethoughtshehad
appendicitis,butshewasoverreactingasusual.”taylor
rollshiseyes,surprisingme.“sophie’sfine,thoughshehas
anastystomachbug.”
“i’msorry.”
hesmiles.
“hascharlietangobeenlocated?”
“yes.therecoveryteamisonitsway.sheshouldbe
backatboeingfieldlatetonight.”
“oh,good.”
hegivesmeatightsmile.“willthatbeall,ma’am?”
“yes,yesofcourse.”iflush...willievergetusedto
taylorcallingmema’am?itmakesmefeelsoold,atleast
thirty.
henodsandheadsoutofthegreatroom.christianis
stillonthephone.iamwaitingforthepotatoestoboil.it
givesmeanidea.fetchingmypurse,ifishoutmy
blackberry.there’satextfromkate.
*cuthisevening.lookingforwardtoaloooooong
chat*
itextback.
itextback.
*samehere*
itwillbegoodtotalktokate.
callingupthee-mailprogram,itypeaquickmessage
tochristian.
from:anastasiasteele
subject:lunch
date:june18,201113:12
to:christiangrey
dearmr.grey
iame-mailingtoinformyouthatyourlunchisnearlyready.
andthatihadsomemind-blowing,kinkyfuckeryearliertoday.
birthdaykinkyfuckeryistoberecommended.
andanotherthing—iloveyou.
ax
(yourfiancée)
ilistencarefullyforareaction,buthe’sstillonthephone.i
shrug.perhapshe’sjusttoobusy.myblackberry
vibrates.
from:christiangrey
subject:kinkyfuckery
date:june18,201113:15
to:anastasiasteele
whataspectwasmostmind-blowing?
i’mtakingnotes.
christiangrey
famishedandwastingawayafterthemorningsexertionsceo,
greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
ps:iloveyoursignature
pps:whathappenedtotheartofconversation?
from:anastasiasteele
subject:famished?
date:june18,201113:18
to:christiangrey
dearmr.grey
mayidrawyourattentiontothefirstlineofmypreviouse-mail
informingyouthatyourlunchisindeedalmostready...sonone
ofthisfamishedandwastingawaynonsense.withregardtothe
mind-blowingaspectsofthekinkyfuckery...frankly—allofit.
i’dbeinterestedinreadingyournotes.andilikemybracketed
signature,too.
ax
(yourfiancée)
ps:sincewhenha一veyoubeensoloquacious?andyou’reonthe
phone!
ipresssendandlookup,andhe’sstandinginfrontofme,
smirking.beforeicansayanything,heboundsaroundthe
kitchenisland,sweepsmeupinhisarms,andkissesme
soundly.
“thatisall,misssteele,”hesays,releasingme,andhe
saunters—inhisjeans,barefeetanduntuckedwhiteshirt
—backtohisoffice,lea一vingmebreathless.
i’vemadeawatercress,cilantro,andsourcreamdipto
accompanythesalmon,andi’vesetthebreakfastbar.i
hateinterruptinghimwhilehe’sworking,butnowistand
inthedoorwayofhisoffice.he’sstillonthephone,all
thoroughlyfuckedhairandbrightgrayeyes—avisually
nourishingfeast.helooksupwhenheseesmeand
doesn’ttakehiseyesoffme.hefrownsslightly,andi
don’tknowifit’satmeorbecauseofhisconversation.
“justlettheminandlea一vethemalone.doyou
understand,mia?”hehissesandrollshiseyes.“good.”
imimeeating,andhegrinsatmeandnods.
“i’llseeyoulater.”hehangsup.“onemorecall?”he
asks.
“sure.”
“sure.”
“thatdressisveryshort,”headds.
“youlikeit?”igivehimaquicktwirl.it’soneof
carolineacton’spurchases.asoftturquoisesundress,
probablymoresuitableforthebeach,butit’ssuchalovely
dayonsomanylevels.hefrownsandmyfacefalls.
“youlookfantasticinit,ana.ijustdon’twantanyone
elsetoseeyoulikethat.”
“oh!”iscowlathim.“we’reathome,christian.no
onebutthestaff.”
hismouthtwists,andeitherhe’stryingtohidehis
amusementorhereallydoesn’tthinkthat’sfunny.but
eventuallyhenods,reassured.ishakemyheadathim—
he’sactuallybeingserious?iheadbacktothekitchen.
fiveminuteslater,he’sbackinfrontofme,holdingthe
phone.
“iha一verayforyou,”hemurmurs,hiseyeswary.
alltheairlea一vesmybodyatonce.itakethephone
andcoverthemouthpiece.
“youtoldhim!”ihiss.christiannods,andhiseyes
widenatmyobviouslookofdistress.
shit!itakeadeepbreath.“hi,dad.”
“christianhasjustaskedmeifhecanmarryyou,”ray
says.
ohshit.thesilencestretchesbetweenusasi
desperatelythinkwhattosay.rayasusualstayssilent,
givingmenoclueastohisreactiontothisnews.
“whatdidyousay?”icrackfirst.
“isaidiwantedtotalktoyou.it’skindofsudden,
don’tyouthink,annie?you’venotknownhimlong.i
don’tyouthink,annie?you’venotknownhimlong.i
mean,he’saniceguy,knowshisfishing...butsosoon?”
hisvoiceiscalmandmeasured.
“yes.itissudden...hangon.”hastily,ilea一vethe
kitchenareaawayfromchristian’sanxiousgazeandhead
towardthegreatwindow.thedoorstothebalconyare
open,andistepoutintothesunshine.ican’tquitewalkto
theedge.it’sjusttoofarup.
“iknowit’ssuddenandall—but...well,ilovehim.
helovesme.hewantstomarryme,andthere’llneverbe
anyoneelseforme.”iflushthinkingthisisprobablythe
mostintimateconversationiha一veeverhadwithmy
stepfather.
rayissilentontheotherendofthephone.
“ha一veyoutoldyourmother?”
“no.”
“annie...iknowhe’sallkindsofrichandeligible,
butmarriage?it’ssuchabigstep.you’resure?”
“he’smyhappilyeverafter,”iwhisper.
“whoa.”raysaysafteramoment,histonesofter.
“he’severything.”
“annie,annie,annie.you’resuchaheadstrongyoung
woman.ihopetogodyouknowwhatyou’redoing.
handmebacktohim,willyou?”
“sure,dad,andwillyougivemeawayatthe
wedding?”iaskquietly.
“oh,honey.”hisvoicecracks,andhe’squietfora
fewmoments,theemotioninhisvoicebringingtearstomy
eyes.“nothingwouldgivemegreaterpleasure,”hesays
eventually.
eventually.
oh,ray.iloveyousomuch...iswallow,tokeep
fromcrying.“thankyou,dad.i’llhandyoubackto
christian.begentlewithhim.ilovehim,”iwhisper.
ithinkrayissmilingontheotherendoftheline,but
it’shardtotell.it’salwayshardtotellwithray.
“surething,annie.andcomeandvisitthisoldman
andbringthatchristianwithyou.”
imarchbackintotheroom—pissedatchristianfor
notwarningme—andhandhimthephone,myexpression
lettinghimknowjusthowpissediam.he’samusedashe
takesthephoneandheadsbackintohisstudy.
twominuteslater,hereappears.
“iha一veyourstepfather’sratherbegrudgingblessing,”
hesaysproudly,soproudly,infact,thatitmakesme
giggle,andhegrinsatme.he’sactinglikehe’sjust
negotiatedamajornewmergeroracquisition,whichi
supposeononelevel,hehas.
“damn,you’reagoodcook,woman.”christianswallows
hislastmouthfulandraiseshisglassofwhitewinetome.i
blossomunderhispraise,anditoccurstomei’llonlyget
tocookforhimonweekends.ifrown.ienjoycooking.
perhapsishouldha一vemadehimacakeforhisbirthday.i
checkmywatch.istillha一vetime.
“ana?”heinterruptsmythoughts.“whydidyouask
menottotakeyourphoto?”hisquestionstartlesmeall
themorebecausehisvoiceisdeceptivelysoft.
oh...shit.thephotos.istaredownatmyempty
plate,twistingmyfingersinmylap.whatcanisay?i’d
promisedmyselfnottomentionthati’dfoundhisversion
ofreaders’wives.
“ana,”hesnaps.“whatisit?”hemakesmejump,
andhisvoicecommandsmetolookathim.whendidi
thinkhedidn’tintimidateme?
“ifoundyourphotos,”iwhisper.
hiseyeswideninshock.“you’vebeeninthesafe?”
heasks,incredulous.
“safe?no.ididn’tknowyouhadasafe.”
hefrowns.“idon’tunderstand.”
“inyourcloset.thebox.iwaslookingforyourtie,
andtheboxwasunderyourjeans...theonesyou
normallywearintheplayroom.excepttoday.”iflush.
hegapesatme,appalled,andnervouslyrunshishand
throughhishairasheprocessesthisinformation.herubs
hischin,lostinthought,buthecan’tmasktheperplexed
annoyanceetchedonhisface.abruptlyheshakeshis
head,exasperated—butamused,too—andafaintsmileof
admirationkissesthecornerofhismouth.hesteepleshis
handsinfrontofhimandfocusesonmeoncemore.
“it’snotwhatyouthink.i’dforgottenallaboutthem.
thatboxhasbeenmoved.thosephotographsbelongin
mysafe.”
“whomovedthem?”iwhisper.
heswallows.“there’sonlyonepersonwhocould
ha一vedonethat.”
“oh.who?andwhatdoyoumean,‘it’snotwhati
think’?”
hesighsandtiltshisheadtooneside,andithinkhe’s
embarrassed.soheshouldbe!mysubconscioussnarls.
“thisisgoingtosoundcold,but—they’reaninsurance
policy,”hewhisperssteelinghimselfformyresponse.
“insurancepolicy?”
“againstexposure.”
thepennydropsandrattlesuncomfortablyroundand
roundinmyemptyhead.
“oh,”imurmur,becauseican’tthinkofwhatelseto
say.iclosemyeyes.thisisit.thisisfiftyshadesof
fucked-up,righthere,rightnow.“yes.you’reright,”i
mutter.“thatdoessoundcold.”istandtoclearour
dishes.idon’twanttoknowanymore.
“ana.”
“dotheyknow?thegirls...thesubs?”
hefrowns.“ofcoursetheyknow.”
oh,well,that’ssomething.hereachesout,grabbing
meandpullingmetohim.
“thosephotosaresupposedtobeinthesafe.they’re
notforrecreationaluse.”hestops.“maybetheywere
whentheyweretakenoriginally.but—”hestops,
imploringme.“theydon’tmeananything.”
“whoputtheminyourcloset?”
“itcouldonlyha一vebeenleila.”
“sheknowsyoursafecombination?”
heshrugs.“itwouldn’tsurpriseme.it’saverylong
combination,andiuseitsorarely.it’stheonenumberi
ha一vewrittendownandha一ven’tchanged.”heshakeshis
head.“iwonderwhatelsesheknowsandifshe’staken
anythingelseoutofthere.”hefrowns,thenturnshis
attentionbacktome.“look,i’lldestroythephotos.now,
ifyoulike.”
“they’reyourphotos,christian.dowiththemasyou
wish,”imutter.
“don’tbelikethat,”hesays,takingmyheadinhis
handsandholdingmygazetohis.“idon’twantthatlife.i
wantourlife,together.”
holycow.howdoesheknowthatbeneathmyhorror
aboutthesephotosisthefactthati’mparanoid?
“ana,ithoughtweexorcisedallthoseghoststhis
morning.ifeelthatway.don’tyou?”
iblinkathim,recallingourvery,verypleasurableand
romanticanddownrightdirtymorninginhisplayroom.
“yes,”ismile.“yes,ifeellikethat,too.”
“good.”heleansforwardandkissesme,foldingmein
hisarms.“i’llshredthem,”hemurmurs.“andtheniha一ve
togotowork.i’msorry,baby,butiha一veamountainof
businesstogetthroughthisafternoon.”
“it’scool.iha一vetocallmymother.”igrimace.“then
iwanttodosomeshoppingandbakeyouacake.”
hegrinsandhiseyeslightuplikeasmallboy’s.
“acake?”
inod.
“achocolatecake?”
“youwantachocolatecake?”hisgrinisinfectious.
henods.
“i’llseewhaticando,mr.grey.”
“i’llseewhaticando,mr.grey.”
hekissesmeoncemore.
carlaisstunnedintosilence.
“mom,saysomething.”
“you’renotpregnant,areyou,ana?”shewhispersin
horror.
“no,no,no,nothinglikethat.”disappointmentslices
throughmyheart,andi’msaddenedthatshewouldthink
thatofme.butthenirememberwithanever-sinking
feelingthatshewaspregnantwithmewhenshemarried
myfather.
“i’msorry,darling.thisisjustsosudden.imean,
christianisquiteacatch,butyou’resoyoung,andyou
shouldseealittleoftheworld.”
“mom,can’tyoujustbehappyforme?ilovehim.”
“darling,ijustneedtogetusedtotheidea.it’sa
shock.icouldtellingeorgiathattherewassomething
veryspecialbetweenyoutwo,butmarriage...?”
ingeorgiahewantedmetobehissubmissive,buti
won’ttellherthat.
“ha一veyousetadate?”
“no.”
“iwishyourfatherwasalive,”shewhispers.ohno...
notthis.notthis,now.
“iknow,mom.iwouldha一velikedtoknowhim,too.”
“heonlyheldyouonce,andhewassoproud.he
thoughtyouwerethemostbeautifulgirlintheworld.”her
voiceisadeathlyhushasthefamiliartaleisretold...
voiceisadeathlyhushasthefamiliartaleisretold...
again.shewillbeintearsnext.
“iknow,mom.”
“andthenhedied.”shesniffs,andiknowthishasset
heroffasitdoeseverytime.
“mom,”iwhisper,wantingtoreachdownthephone
andholdher.
“i’masillyoldwoman,”shemurmursandshesniffs
again.“ofcourseiamhappyforyou,darling.doesray
know?”sheadds,andsheseemstoha一verecoveredher
equilibrium.
“christian’sjustaskedhim.”
“oh,that’ssweet.good.”shesoundsmelancholic,
butshe’smakinganeffort.
“yes,itwas,”imurmur.
“ana,darling,iloveyousomuch.iamhappyforyou.
andyoumustbothvisit.”
“yes,mom.iloveyou,too.”
“bobiscallingme,iha一vetogo.letmeha一veadate.
weneedtoplan...areyouha一vingabigwedding?”
bigwedding,crap.iha一ven’teventhoughtaboutthat.
bigwedding?no.idon’twantabigwedding.
“idon’tknowyet.assoonasido,i’llcall.”
“good.youtakecarenowandbesafe.youtwo
needtoha一vesomefun...plentyoftimeforkidslater.”
kids!hmm...andthereitisagain—anot-so-veiled
referencetothefactthatshehadmesoearly.
“mom,ididn’treallyruinyourlife,didi?”
shegasps.“ohno,ana,neverthinkthat.youwere
thebestthingthateverhappenedtoyourfatherandme.i
thebestthingthateverhappenedtoyourfatherandme.i
justwishhewasheretoseeyousogrownupandgetting
married.”she’swistfulandmaudlinagain.