heanswersonthesecondring.“anastasia.you
okay?”heasksconcerned.
“they’vejustgivenmejack’sjobtomind,
temporarily,”iblurtout.
“you’rekidding,”hewhispers,shocked.
“didyouha一veanythingtodowiththis?”myvoiceis
sharperthanimeanittobe.
“no—no,notatall.imean,withallduerespect,
“no—no,notatall.imean,withallduerespect,
anastasia,you’veonlybeenthereforaweekorso—and
idon’tmeanthatunkindly.”
“iknow.”ifrown.“apparentlyjackreallyratedme.”
“didhenow?”christian’stoneisfrostyandthenhe
sighs.
“well,baby,iftheythinkyoucandoit,i’msureyou
can.congratulations.perhapsweshouldcelebrateafter
we’veseenflynn.”
“hmm.areyousureyouhadnothingtodowiththis?”
heissilentforamoment,andthenhesaysinalow
menacingvoice.“doyoudoub一tme?itangersmethatyou
do.”
iswallow.boy,hegetsmadsoeasily.“i’msorry,”i
breathe,chastened.
“ifyouneedanything,letmeknow.i’llbehere.and
anastasia?”
“what?”
“useyourblackberry,”headdstersely.
“yes,christian.”
hedoesn’thangupasiexpecthimtobuttakesa
deepbreath.
“imeanit.ifyouneedme,i’mhere.”hiswordsare
muchsofter,conciliatory.oh,he’ssomercurial...his
moodswingsarelikeametronomesetatpresto.
“okay,”imurmur.“i’dbettergo.iha一vetomove
offices.”
“ifyouneedme.imeanit,”hemurmurs.
“iknow,thankyou,christian.iloveyou.”
isensehisgrinattheotherendofthephone.i’vewon
isensehisgrinattheotherendofthephone.i’vewon
himback.
“iloveyou,too,baby.”oh,willievertireofhim
sayingthosewordstome?
“i’lltalktoyoulater.”
“laters,baby.”
ihangupandglanceatjack’soffice.myoffice.holy
cow—anastasiasteele,actingcommissioningeditor.
whowouldha一vethought?ishouldaskformoremoney.
whatwouldjackthinkifheknew?ishudderatthe
thoughtandwonderidlyhowhe’sspenthismorning,notin
newyorkasheexpected.istrollintohis—myoffice—sit
downatthedesk,andstartreadingthejobdescription.
attwelvethirty,elizabethbuzzesme.
“ana,weneedyouinameetingatoneo’clockinthe
boardroom.jerryroachandkaybestiewillbethere—
youknow,thecompanypresidentandvicepresident?all
thecommissioningeditorswillbeattending.”
shit!
“doineedtoprepareanything?”
“no,thisisjustaninformalgatheringwedooncea
month.lunchwillbeprovided.”
“i’llbethere.”ihangup.
holyshit!icheckthroughthecurrentrosterofjack’s
authors.yes,i’veprettymuchgotthosenailed.iha一vethe
fivemanuscriptshe’schampioning,plustwomore,which
shouldreallybeconsideredforpublication.itakeadeep
breath—icannotbelieveit’slunchtimealready.theday
hasflownby,andi’mlovingit.therehasbeensomuchto
absorbthismorning.apingfrommycalendarannounces
absorbthismorning.apingfrommycalendarannounces
anappointment.
ohno—mia!inalltheexcitementiha一veforgotten
aboutourlunch.ifishoutmyblackberryandtryfrantically
tofindherphonenumber.
myphonebuzzes.
“it’shim,inreception.”claire’svoiceishushed.
“who?”foramoment,ithinkitmightbechristian.
“theblondgod.”
“ethan?”
oh,whatdoeshewant?iimmediatelyfeelguiltyfor
notha一vingcalledhim.
ethan,dressedinacheckedblueshirt,whitet-shirt,
andjeans,beamsatmewheniappear.
“wow!youlookhot,steele,”hesays,nodding
appreciatively.hegivesmeaquickhug.
“iseverythingokay?”iask.
hefrowns.“everything’sfine,ana.ijustwantedto
seeyou.i’venotheardfromyouinawhile,andiwanted
tocheckhowmr.mogulwastreatingyou.”
iflushandcan’thelpmysmile.
“okay!”ethanexclaims,holdinguphishands.“ican
tellbythesecretsmile.idon’twanttoknowanymore.i
camebyontheoffchanceyoucoulddolunch.i’m
enrollingatseattleforpsychcoursesinseptember.for
mymaster’s.”
“ohethan.somuchhashappened.iha一veatontotell
you,butrightnow,ican’t.iha一veameeting.”anideahits
mehard.“andiwonderifyoucandomeareally,really,
reallybigfa一vor?”iclaspmyhandstogetherinsupplication.
“sure,”hesays,bemusedbymypleading.
“i’msupposedtobeha一vinglunchwithchristianand
elliot’ssister—butican’tgetholdofher,andthis
meeting’sjustbeensprungonme.pleasewillyoutakeher
forlunch?please?”
“aw,ana!idon’twanttobabysitsomebrat.”
“please,ethan.”igivehimthebiggest-bluest-longesteye-
lashedlookthaticanmanage.herollshiseyesandi
knowi’vegothim.
“you’llcookmesomething?”hemutters.
“sure,whatever,whenever.”
“sowhereisshe?”
“she’sdueherenow.”andasifoncue,ihearher
voice.
“ana!”shecallsfromthefrontdoor.
webothturn,andtheresheis—allcurvaceousandtall
withhersleekblackbob—wearingashortmint-green
minidressandmatchinghigh-heeledpumpswithstraps
aroundherslimankles.shelooksstunning.
“thebrat?”hewhispers,gapingather.
“yes.thebratthatneedsbabysitting,”iwhisperback.
“hi,mia.”igiveheraquickhugasshestaresrather
blatantlyatethan.
“mia—thisisethan,kate’sbrother.”
henods,hiseyebrowsraisedinsurprise.miablinks
severaltimesasshegiveshimherhand.
“delightedtomeetyou,”ethanmurmurssmoothlyand
miablinksagain—silentforonce.sheblushes.
holycow.idon’tthinki’veeverseenherblush.
“ican’tmakelunch,”isaylamely.“ethanhasagreed
totakeyou,ifthat’sokay?canweha一vearaincheck?”
“sure,”shesaysquietly.miaquiet,thisisnovel.
“yeah,i’lltakeitfromhere.laters,ana,”ethansays,
offeringmiahisarm.sheacceptsitwithashysmile.
“bye,ana.”miaturnstomeandmouths,“oh.my.
god!”givingmeanexaggeratedwink.
jeez...shelikeshim!iwa一veatthemastheylea一ve
thebuilding.iwonderwhatchristian’sattitudeisabouthis
sisterdating?thethoughtmakesmeuneasy.she’smy
age,sohecan’tobject,canhe?
thisischristianwe’redealingwith.mysnarky
subconsciousisback,hatchet-mouthed,cardiganand
purseinthecrookofherarm.ishakeofftheimage.miais
agrownwomanandchristiancanbereasonable,can’t
he?idismissthethoughtandheadbacktojack’s...
er...myofficetoprepforthemeeting.
it’sthreethirtywhenireturn.themeetingwentwell.i
ha一veevensecuredapprovaltoprogressthetwo
manuscriptsiwaschampioning.it’saheadyfeeling.
onmydeskisanenormouswickerbasketcrammed
withstunningwhiteandpalepinkroses.wow—the
fragrancealoneishea一venly.ismileasipickupthecard.i
knowwhosentthem.
congratulations,misssteele
andallonyourown!
nohelpfromyouroverfriendly,neighborhood,
megalomaniacceo
love
christian
ipickupmyblackberrytoe-mailhim.
from:anastasiasteele
subject:megalomaniac...
date:june16,201115:43
to:christiangrey
...ismyfa一voritetypeofmaniac.thankyouforthebeautiful
flowers.they’vearrivedinahugewickerbasketthatmakesme
thinkofpicnicsandblankets.
x
from:christiangrey
subject:freshair
date:june16,201115:55
to:anastasiasteele
maniac,eh?dr.flynnmayha一vesomethingtosayaboutthat.
youwanttogoonapicnic?
wecouldha一vefuninthegreatoutdoors,anastasia...
wecouldha一vefuninthegreatoutdoors,anastasia...
howisyourdaygoing,baby?
christiangrey
ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
ohmy.iflushreadinghisresponse.
from:anastasiasteele
subject:hectic
date:june16,201116:00
to:christiangrey
thedayhasflownby.iha一vehardlyhadamomenttomyselfto
thinkaboutanythingotherthanwork.ithinkicandothis!i’lltell
youmorewheni’mhome.
outdoorssounds...interesting.
loveyou.
ax
ps:don’tworryaboutdr.flynn.
myphonebuzzes.it’sclairefromreception,desperateto
knowwhosenttheflowersandwhathappenedtojack.
holedupintheofficeallday,iha一vemissedthegossip.i
tellherquicklythattheflowersarefrommyboyfriendand
thatiknowverylittleaboutjack’sdeparture.my
thatiknowverylittleaboutjack’sdeparture.my
blackberrybuzzesandiha一veanothere-mailfrom
christian.
from:christiangrey
subject:i’lltry...
date:june16,201116:09
to:anastasiasteele
...nottoworry.
laters,baby.x
christiangrey
ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
atfivethirty,ipackupmydesk.ican’tbelievehow
quicklythedayhasgone.iha一vetogetbacktoescalaand
preparetomeetdr.flynn.iha一ven’tevenhadtimeto
thinkofquestions.perhapstodaywecanha一veaninitial
meeting,andmaybechristianwillletmeseehimagain.i
shrugoffthethoughtasidashoutoftheoffice,wa一vinga
quickgood-byetoclaire.
i’vealsogotchristian’sbirthdaytothinkabout.i
knowwhati’mgoingtogivehim.i’dlikehimtoha一veit
tonightbeforewemeetflynn,buthow?besidethe
parkinglotisasmallstoresellingtouristytrinkets.
inspirationhitsmeandiduckinside.
christianisonhisblackberry,standingandstaringoutthe
glasswallasienterthegreatroomhalfanhourlater.
turning,hebeamsatmeandwrapsuphiscall.
“ros,that’sgreat.tellbarneyandwe’llgofrom
there...good-bye.”
hestridesovertomeasistandshylyintheentryway.
he’schangednowintoawhitet-shirtandjeans,allbad
boyandsmoldering.whoa.
“goodevening,misssteele,”hemurmursandhe
bendstokissme.“congratulationsonyourpromotion.”
hewrapshisarmsaroundme.hesmellsdelicious.
“you’veshowered.”
“i’vejusthadawork-outwithclaude.”
“oh.”
“managedtoknockhimonhisasstwice.”christian
beams,boyishandpleasedwithhimself.hisgrinis
infectious.
“thatdoesn’thappenoften?”
“no.verysatisfyingwhenitdoes.hungry?”
ishakemyhead.
“what?”hefrownsatme.
“i’mnervous.aboutdr.flynn.”
“me,too.howwasyourday?”hereleasesme,andi
himgiveabriefsummary.helistensattentively.
“oh—there’sonemorethingishouldtellyou,”iadd.
“iwassupposedtoha一velunchwithmia.”
heraiseshiseyebrows,surprised.“younever
mentionedthat.”
“iknow,iforgot.icouldn’tmakeitbecauseofthe
meeting,andethantookherouttolunchinstead.”
hisfacedarkens.“isee.stopbitingyourlip.”
“i’mgoingtofreshenup,”isaychangingthesubject
andturningtolea一vebeforehecanreactanyfurther.
dr.flynn’sofficeisashortdrivefromchristian’s
apartment.veryhandy,imuse,foremergencysessions.
“iusuallyrunherefromhome,”christiansaysashe
parksmysaab.“thisisagreatcar.”hesmilesatme.
“ithinkso,too.”ismilebackathim.“christian...i
—”igazeanxiouslyathim.
“whatisit,ana?”
“here.”ipullthesmallblackgiftboxfrommypurse.
“thisisforyouforyourbirthday.iwantedtogiveitto
younow—butonlyifyoupromisenottoopenituntil
saturday,okay?”
heblinksatmeinsurpriseandswallows.“okay,”he
murmurscautiously.
takingadeepbreath,ihandittohim,ignoringhis
bemusedexpression.heshakesthebox,anditproduces
averysatisfactoryrattle.hefrowns.iknowhe’s
desperatetoseewhatitcontains.thenhegrins,hiseyes
alightwithyouthful,carefreeexcitement.ohboy...he
lookshisage—andsobeautiful.
“youcan’topenituntilsaturday,”iwarnhim.
“youcan’topenituntilsaturday,”iwarnhim.
“igetit,”hesays.“whyareyougivingthistome
now?”hepopstheboxintotheinsidepocketofhisblue
pinstripedjacket,closetohisheart.
howapt,imuse.ismirkathim.
“becauseican,mr.grey.”
hismouthtwistswithwryamusement.
“why,misssteele,youstolemyline.”
weareusheredintodr.flynn’spalatialofficebya
briskandfriendlyreceptionist.shegreetschristian
warmly,alittletoowarmlyformytaste—jeez,she’sold
enoughtobehismother—andheknowshername.
theroomisunderstated:palegreenwithtwodark
greencouchesfacingtwoleatherwingedchairs,andithas
theatmosphereofagentlemen’sclub.dr.flynnisseated
atadeskatthefarendoftheroom.
asweenter,hestandsandwalksovertojoinusinthe
seatingarea.hewearsblackpantsandapale-blueopennecked
shirt—notie.hisbrightblueeyesseemtomiss
nothing.
“christian.”hesmilesamicably.
“john.”christianshakesjohn’shand.“youremember
anastasia?”
“howcouldiforget?anastasia,welcome.”
“ana,please,”imumbleasheshakesmyhandfirmly.
idolovehisenglishaccent.
“ana,”hesayskindly,usheringustowardthe
couches.
christiangesturestooneofthemforme.isit,tryingto
lookrelaxed,restingmyhandonthecouchrest,andhe
lookrelaxed,restingmyhandonthecouchrest,andhe
sprawlsontheothercouchbesidemesothatwe’reat
rightanglestoeachother.asmalltablewithasimplelamp
isbetweenus.inotewithinterestaboxoftissuesbeside
thelamp.
thisisn’twhatiexpected.ihadinmymind’seyea
starkwhiteroomwithablackleatherchaiselongue;my
innergoddessmightha一vefeltmoreathomethen.
lookingrelaxedandincontrol,dr.flynntakesaseat
inoneofthewingedchairsandpicksupaleathernotepad.
christiancrosseshislegs,hisanklerestingonhisknee,
andstretchesonearmalongthebackofthecouch.
reachingacrosswithhisotherhand,hefindsmyhandon
thecouchrestandgivesitareassuringsqueeze.
“christianhasrequestedthatyouaccompanyhimto
oneofoursessions,”dr.flynnbeginsgently.“justsoyou
know,wetreatthesesessionswithabsoluteconfidentiality
—”
iraisemyeyebrowatflynn,haltinghimmid-speech.
“oh—um...i’vesignedannda,”imurmur,
embarrassedthathe’sstopped.bothflynnandchristian
stareatme,andchristianreleasesmyhand.
“anon-disclosureagreement?”dr.flynn’sbrow
furrows,andheglancesquizzicallyatchristian.
christianshrugs.
“youstartallyourrelationshipswithwomenwithan
nda?”dr.flynnaskshim.
“thecontractualones,ido.”
dr.flynn’sliptwitches.“you’vehadothertypesof
relationshipswithwomen?”heasks,andhelooksamused.
relationshipswithwomen?”heasks,andhelooksamused.
“no,”christiananswersafterabeat,andhelooks
amused,too.
“asithought.”dr.flynnturnshisattentionbackto
me.“well,iguesswedon’tha一vetoworryabout
confidentiality,butmayisuggestthatthetwoofyou
discussthisatsomepoint?asiunderstand,you’reno
longerenteringintothatkindofcontractualrelationship.”
“differentkindofcontract,hopefully,”sayschristian
softly,glancingatme.iflushanddr.flynnnarrowshis
eyes.
“ana.you’llha一vetoforgiveme,butiprobablyknow
alotmoreaboutyouthanyouthink.christianhasbeen
veryforthcoming.”
iglancenervouslyatchristian.whathashesaid?
“annda?”hecontinues.“thatmustha一veshocked
you.”
iblinkathim.“oh,ithinktheshockofthathaspaled
intoinsignificance,givenchristian’smostrecent
revelations,”ianswer,myvoicesoftandhesitant.isound
sonervous.
“i’msure.”dr.flynnsmileskindlyatme.“so,
christian,whatwouldyouliketodiscuss?”
christianshrugslikeasurlyteen.“anastasiawantedto
seeyou.perhapsyoushouldaskher.”
dr.flynn’sfaceregistershissurpriseoncemore,and
hegazesshrewdlyatme.
holyshit.thisismortifying.igazedownatmy
fingers.
“wouldyoubemorecomfortableifchristianleftusfor
“wouldyoubemorecomfortableifchristianleftusfor
awhile?”
myeyesdarttochristianandhe’sgazingatme
expectantly.
“yes,”iwhisper.
christianfrownsandopenshismouthbutclosesit
againquicklyandstandsinoneswiftgracefulmovement.
“i’llbeinthewaitingroom,”hesays,hismouthaflat,
grumpyline.
ohno.
“thankyou,christian,”dr.flynnsaysimpassively.
christiangivesmeonelong,searchinglookthenstalks
outoftheroom—buthedoesn’tslamthedoor.phew.i
immediatelyrelax.
“heintimidatesyou?”
“yes.butnotasmuchasheusedto.”ifeeldisloyal
butit’sthetruth.
“thatdoesn’tsurpriseme,ana.whatcanihelpyou
with?”
istaredownatmyknottedfingers.whatcaniask?
“dr.flynn,i’veneverbeeninarelationshipbefore,
andchristianis...well,he’schristian.andoverthelast
weekorso,agreatdealhashappened.iha一ven’thada
chancetothinkthingsthrough.”
“whatdoyouneedtothinkthrough?”
iglanceupathim,andhisheadiscockedtooneside
ashegazesatmewithcompassion,ithink.
“well...christiantellsmethathe’shappytogive
up...er—”istumbleandpause.thisissomuchmore
difficulttodiscussthani’dimagined.
difficulttodiscussthani’dimagined.
dr.flynnsighs.“ana,intheverylimitedtimethat
you’veknownhim,you’vemademoreprogresswithmy
patientthaniha一veinthelasttwoyears.youha一vehada
profoundeffectonhim.youmustseethat.”
“he’shadaprofoundeffectonme,too.ijustdon’t
knowifi’menough.tofulfillhisneeds,”iwhisper.
“isthatwhatyouneedfromme?reassurance?”
inod.
“needschange,”hesayssimply.“christianhasfound
himselfinasituationwherehismethodsofcopingareno
longereffective.verysimply,you’veforcedhimto
confrontsomeofhisdemonsandrethink.”
iblinkathim.thisechoeswhatchristianhastoldme.
“yes,hisdemons,”imurmur.
“wedon’tdwellonthem—they’reinthepast.
christianknowswhathisdemonsare,asdoi—andnow
i’msureyoudo,too.i’mmuchmoreconcernedwiththe
futureandgettingchristiantoaplacewherehewantsto
be.”
ifrownandheraisesaneyebrow.
“thetechnicaltermissfb一t—sorry.”hesmiles.“that
standsforsolution-focusedbrieftherapy.essentially,it’s
goaloriented.weconcentrateonwherechristianwants
tobeandhowtogethimthere.it’sadialecticalapproach.
there’snopointinbreast-beatingaboutthepast—all
that’sbeenpickedoverbyeveryphysician,psychologist,
andpsychiatristchristian’severseen.weknowwhyhe’s
thewayheis,butit’sthefuturethat’simportant.where
christianenvisageshimself,wherehewantstobe.ittook
youwalkingoutonhimtomakehimtakethisformof
therapyseriously.herealizesthathisgoalisaloving
relationshipwithyou.it’sthatsimple,andthat’swhat
we’reworkingonnow.ofcoursethereareobstacles—
hishaphephobiaforone.”
ohjeez...hiswhat?igasp.
“i’msorry.imeanhisfearofbeingtouched,”dr.
flynnsays,shakinghisheadasifscoldinghimself.“which
i’msureyou’reawareof.”
iflushandnod.ohthat!
“hehasamorbidself-abhorrence.i’msurethatcomes
asnosurprisetoyou.andofcoursethere’sthe
parasomnia...um—nightterrors,sorry,tothe
layperson.”
iblinkathim,tryingtoabsorballtheselongwords.i
knowaboutallofthis.butflynnhasn’tmentionedmy
centralconcern.
“buthe’sasadist.surely,assuch,hehasneedswhich
ican’tfulfill.”
dr.flynnactuallyrollshiseyes,andhismouthpresses
intoahardline.“that’snolongerrecognizedasa
psychiatricterm.idon’tknowhowmanytimesiha一vetold
himthat.it’snotevenclassifiedasaparaphiliaanymore,
notsincethenineties.”
dr.flynnhaslostmeagain.iblinkathim.hesmiles
kindlyatme.
“thisisapetpeeveofmine.”heshakeshishead.
“christianjustthinkstheworstofanygivensituation.it’s
partofhisself-abhorrence.ofcourse,there’ssuchathing
assexualsadism,butit’snotadisease;it’salifestyle
choice.andifit’spracticedinasafe,sanerelationship
betweenconsentingadults,thenit’sanonissue.my
understandingisthatchristianhasconductedallofhis
bdsmrelationshipsinthismanner.you’rethefirstlover
whohasn’tconsented,sohe’snotwillingtodoit.”
lover!
“butsurelyit’snotthatsimple.”
“whynot?”dr.flynnshrugsgood-naturedly.
“well...thereasonshedoesit.”
“ana,that’sthepoint.intermsofsolution-focused
therapy,itisthatsimple.christianwantstobewithyou.in
ordertodothat,heneedstoforegothemoreextreme
aspectsofthatkindofrelationship.afterall,whatyou’re
askingforisnotunreasonable...isit?”
iflush.no,it’snotunreasonable,isit?
“idon’tthinkso.butiworrythathedoes.”
“christianrecognizesthatandhasactedaccordingly.
he’snotinsane.”dr.flynnsighs.“inanutshell,he’snota
sadist,ana.he’sanangry,frightened,brilliantyoungman,
whowasdealtashithandofcardswhenhewasborn.we
canallbeatourbreastsaboutit,andanalyzethewho,the
howandthewhytodeath—orchristiancanmoveonand
decidehowhewantstolive.he’dfoundsomethingthat
workedforhimforafewyears,moreorless,butsincehe
metyou,itnolongerworks.andasaconsequence,he’s
changinghismodusoperandi.youandiha一vetorespect
hischoiceandsupporthiminit.”
igapeathim.“that’smyreassurance?”
“asgoodasitgets,ana.therearenoguaranteesin
thislife.”hesmiles.“andthatismyprofessionalopinion.”
ismile,too,weakly.doctorjokes...jeez.
“buthethinksofhimselfasarecoveringalcoholic.”
“christianwillalwaysthinktheworstofhimself.asi
said,it’spartofhisself-abhorrence.it’sinhismakeup,no
matterwhat.naturallyhe’sanxiousaboutmakingthis
changeinhislife.he’spotentiallyexposinghimselftoa
wholeworldofemotionalpain,which,incidentally,hehad
atasteofwhenyoulefthim.naturallyhe’sapprehensive.”
dr.flynnpauses.“idon’tmeantostresshowimportanta
roleyouha一veinhisdamasceneconversion—hisroadto
damascus.butyouha一ve.christianwouldnotbeinthis
placeifhehadnotmetyou.personallyidon’tthinkthat
analcoholicisaverygoodanalogy,butifitworksforhim
fornow,thenithinkweshouldgivehimthebenefitofthe
doub一t.”
givechristianthebenefitofthedoub一t.ifrownatthe
thought.