“whydon’tyouchooseatable,whileigetthedrinks.whatwouldyoulike?”heasks,politeasever.

“i’llha一ve…um–englishbreakfasttea,bagout.”

heraiseshiseyebrows.

“nocoffee?”

“i’mnotkeenoncoffee.”

hesmiles.

“okay,bagouttea.sugar?”

foramoment,i’mstunned,thinkingit’sanendearment,butfortunatelymysubconsciouskicksinwithpursedlips.no,stupid–doyoutakesugar?

“nothanks.”istaredownatmyknottedfingers.

“anythingtoeat?”

“nothankyou.”ishakemyhead,andheheadstothecounter.

isurreptitiouslygazeathimfrombeneathmylashesashestandsinlinewaitingtobeserved.icouldwatchhimallday…he’stall,broad-shouldered,andslim,andthewaythosepantshangfromhiships…ohmy.onceortwiceherunshislong,gracefulfingersthroughhisnowdrybutstilldisorderlyhair.hmm…i’dliketodothat.thethoughtcomesunbiddenintomymind,andmyfaceflames.ibitemylipandstaredownatmyhandsagainnotlikingwheremywaywardthoughtsareheaded.

“pennyforyourthoughts?”greyisback,startlingme.

igocrimson.iwasjustthinkingaboutrunningmyfingersthroughyourhairandwonderingifitwouldfeelsofttotouch.ishakemyhead.he’scarryingatray,whichhesetsdownonthesmall,round,birch-veneertable.hehandsmeacupandsaucer,asmallteapot,andasideplatebearingaloneteabaglabeled‘twiningsenglishbreakfast’–myfa一vorite.hehasacoffeewhichbearsawonderfulleaf-patternimprintedinthemilk.howdotheydothat?iwonderidly.he’salsoboughthimselfablueberrymuffin.puttingthetrayaside,hesitsoppositemeandcrosseshislonglegs.helookssocomfortable,soateasewithhisbody,ienvyhim.here’sme,allgawkyanduncoordinated,barelyabletogetfromatobwithoutfallingflatonmyface.

“yourthoughts?”hepromptsme.

“thisismyfa一voritetea.”myvoiceisquiet,breathy.isimplycan’tbelievei’msittingoppositechristiangreyinacoffeeshopinportland.hefrowns.heknowsi’mhidingsomething.ipoptheteabagintotheteapotandalmostimmediatelyfishitoutagainwithmyteaspoon.asiplacetheusedteabagbackonthesideplate,hecockshisheadgazingquizzicallyatme.

“ilikemyteablackandweak,”imutterasanexplanation.

“isee.isheyourboyfriend?”

whoa…what?

“who?”

“thephotographer.josérodriguez.”

ilaugh,nervousbutcurious.whatga一vehimthatimpression?

“no.josé’sagoodfriendofmine,that’sall.whydidyouthinkhewasmyboyfriend?”

“thewayyousmiledathim,andheatyou.”hisgraygazeholdsmine.he’ssounnerving.iwanttolookawaybuti’mcaught–spellbound.

“he’smorelikefamily,”iwhisper.

greynodsslightly,seeminglysatisfiedwithmyresponse,andglancesdownathisblueberrymuffin.hislongfingersdeftlypeelbackthepaper,andiwatch,fascinated.

“doyouwantsome?”heasks,andthatamused,secretsmileisback.

“nothanks.”ifrownandstaredownatmyhandsagain.

“andtheboyimetyesterday,atthestore.he’snotyourboyfriend?”

“no.paul’sjustafriend.itoldyouyesterday.”oh,thisisgettingsilly.“whydoyouask?”

“youseemnervousaroundmen.”

holycrap,that’spersonal.i’mjustnervousaroundyou,grey.

“ifindyouintimidating.”iflushscarlet,butmentallypatmyselfonthebackformycandor,andgazeatmyhandsagain.ihearhissharpintakeofbreath.

“youshouldfindmeintimidating,”henods.“you’reveryhonest.pleasedon’tlookdown.iliketoseeyourface.”

oh.iglanceathim,andhegivesmeanencouragingbutwrysmile.

“itgivesmesomesortofcluewhatyoumightbethinking,”hebreathes.“you’reamystery,misssteele.

mysterious?me?

“there’snothingmysteriousaboutme.”

“ithinkyou’reveryself-contained,”hemurmurs.

ami?wow…howamimanagingthat?thisisbewildering.me,self-contained?noway.

“exceptwhenyoublush,ofcourse,whichisoften.ijustwishiknewwhatyouwereblushingabout.”hepopsasmallpieceofmuffinintohismouthandstartstochewitslowly,nottakinghiseyesoffme.andasifoncue,iblush.crap!

“doyoualwaysmakesuchpersonalobservations?”

“ihadn’trealizediwas.ha一veioffendedyou?”hesoundssurprised.

“no,”ianswertruthfully.

“good.”

“butyou’reveryhigh-handed,”iretaliatequietly.

heraiseshiseyebrowsand,ifi’mnotmistaken,heflushesslightlytoo.

“i’musedtogettingmyownway,anastasia,”hemurmurs.“inallthings.”

“idon’tdoub一tit.whyha一ven’tyouaskedmetocallyoubyyourfirstname?”i’msurprisedbymyaudacity.whyhasthisconversationbecomesoserious?thisisn’tgoingthewayithoughtitwasgoingtogo.ican’tbelievei’mfeelingsoantagonistictowardshim.it’slikehe’stryingtowarnmeoff.

“theonlypeoplewhousemygivennamearemyfamilyandafewclosefriends.that’sthewayilikeit.”

oh.hestillhasn’tsaid,‘callmechristian.’heisacontrolfreak,there’snootherexplanation,andpartofmeisthinkingmaybeitwouldha一vebeenbetterifkatehadinterviewedhim.twocontrolfreakstogether.plusofcourseshe’salmostblonde–well,strawberryblonde–likeallthewomeninhisoffice.andshe’sbeautiful,mysubconsciousremindsme.idon’tliketheideaofchristianandkate.itakeasipofmytea,andgreyeatsanothersmallpieceofhismuffin.

“areyouanonlychild?”heasks.

whoa…hekeepschangingdirection.

“yes.”

“tellmeaboutyourparents.”

whydoeshewanttoknowthis?it’ssodull.

“mymomlivesingeorgiawithhernewhusbandbob.mystepdadlivesinmontesano.”

“yourfather?”

“myfatherdiedwheniwasababy.”

“i’msorry,”hemuttersandafleetingtroubledlookcrosseshisface.

“idon’trememberhim.”

“andyourmotherremarried?”

isnort.

“youcouldsaythat.”

hefrownsatme.

“you’renotgivingmuchaway,areyou?”hesaysdryly,rubbinghischinasifindeepthought.

“neitherareyou.”

“you’veinterviewedmeoncealready,andicanrecollectsomequiteprobingquestionsthen.”hesmirksatme.

holyshit.he’srememberingthe‘gay’question.onceagain,i’mmortified.inyearstocome,iknow,i’llneedintensivetherapytonotfeelthisembarrassedeverytimeirecallthemoment.istartbabblingaboutmymother–anythingtoblockthatmemory.

“mymomiswonderful.she’sanincurableromantic.she’scurrentlyonherfourthhusband.”

christianraiseshiseyebrowsinsurprise.

“imissher,”icontinue.“shehasbobnow.ijusthopehecankeepaneyeonherandpickupthepieceswhenherharebrainedschemesdon’tgoasplanned.”ismilefondly.iha一ven’tseenmymomforsolong.christianiswatchingmeintently,takingoccasionalsipsofhiscoffee.ireallyshouldn’tlookathismouth.it’sunsettling.thoselips.

“doyougetalongwithyourstepfather?”

“ofcourse.igrewupwithhim.he’stheonlyfatheriknow.”

“andwhat’shelike?”

“ray?he’s…taciturn.”

“that’sit?”greyasks,surprised.

ishrug.whatdoesthismanexpect?mylifestory?

“taciturnlikehisstepdaughter,”greyprompts.

irefrainfromrollingmyeyesathim.

“helikessoccer–europeansoccerespecially–andbowling,andfly-fishing,andmakingfurniture.he’sacarpenter.ex-army.”isigh.

“youlivedwithhim?”

“yes.mymommethusbandnumberthreewheniwasfifteen.istayedwithray.”

hefrownsasifhedoesn’tunderstand.

“youdidn’twanttolivewithyourmom?”heasks.

iblush.thisreallyisnoneofhisbusiness.

“husbandnumberthreelivedintexas.myhomewasinmontesano.and…youknowmymomwasnewlymarried.”istop.mymomnevertalksabouthusbandnumberthree.whereisgreygoingwiththis?thisisnoneofhisbusiness.twocanplayatthisgame.

“tellmeaboutyourparents,”iask.

heshrugs.

“mydad’salawyer,mymomisapediatrician.theyliveinseattle.”

oh…he’shadanaffluentupbringing.andiwonderaboutasuccessfulcouplewhoadoptthreekids,andoneofthemturnsintoabeautifulmanwhotakesonthebusinessworldandconquersitsingle-handed.whatdrovehimtobethatway?hisfolksmustbeproud.

“whatdoyoursiblingsdo?”

“elliot’sinconstruction,andmylittlesisterisinparis,studyingcookeryundersomerenownedfrenchchef.”hiseyescloudwithirritation.hedoesn’twanttotalkabouthisfamilyorhimself.

“ihearparisislovely,”imurmur.whydoesn’thewanttotalkabouthisfamily?isitbecausehe’sadopted?

“it’sbeautiful.ha一veyoubeen?”heasks,hisirritationforgotten.

“i’veneverleftmainlandusa.”sonowwe’rebacktobanalities.whatishehiding?

“wouldyouliketogo?”

“toparis?”isqueak.thishasthrownme–whowouldn’twanttogotoparis?“ofcourse,”iconcede.“butit’senglandthati’dreallyliketovisit.”

hecockshisheadtooneside,runninghisindexfingeracrosshislowerlip…ohmy.

“because?”

iblinkrapidly.concentrate,steele.

“it’sthehomeofshakespeare,austen,thebront?sisters,thomashardy.i’dliketoseetheplacesthatinspiredthosepeopletowritesuchwonderfulbooks.”

allthistalkofliterarygreatsremindsmethatishouldbestudying.iglanceatmywatch.

“i’dbettergo.iha一vetostudy.”

“foryourexams?”

“yes.theystarttuesday.”

“where’smisska一vanagh’scar?”

“inthehotelparkinglot.”

“i’llwalkyouback.”

“thankyouforthetea,mr.grey.”

hesmileshisoddi’vegotawhoppingbigsecretsmile.

“you’rewelcome,anastasia.it’smypleasure.come,”hecommands,andholdshishandouttome.itakeit,bemused,andfollowhimoutofthecoffeeshop.

westrollbacktothehotel,andi’dliketosayit’sincompanionablesilence.heatleastlookshisusualcalm,collectedself.asforme,i’mdesperatelytryingtogaugehowourlittlecoffeemorninghasgone.ifeellikei’vebeeninterviewedforaposition,buti’mnotsurewhatitis.

“doyoualwayswearjeans?”heasksoutoftheblue.

“mostly.”

henods.we’rebackattheintersection,acrosstheroadfromthehotel.mymindisreeling.whatanoddquestion…andi’mawarethatourtimetogetherislimited.thisisit.thiswasit,andi’vecompletelyblownit,iknow.perhapshehassomeone.

“doyouha一veagirlfriend?”iblurtout.holycrap-ijustsaidthatoutloud?

hislipsquirkupinahalf-smile,andhelooksdownatme.

“no,anastasia.idon’tdothegirlfriendthing,”hesayssoftly.

oh…whatdoesthatmean?he’snotgay?oh,maybeheis-crap!hemustha一veliedtomeinhisinterview.andforamoment,ithinkhe’sgoingtofollowonwithsomeexplanation,somecluetothiscrypticstatement–buthedoesn’t.iha一vetogo.iha一vetotrytoreassemblemythoughts.iha一vetogetawayfromhim.iwalkforward,anditrip,stumblingheadlongontotheroad.

“shit,ana!”greycries.hetugsthehandthathe’sholdingsohardthatifallbackagainsthimjustasacyclistwhipspast,narrowlymissingme,headingthewrongwayupthisone-waystreet.

itallhappenssofast–oneminutei’mfalling,thenexti’minhisarms,andhe’sholdingmetightlyagainsthischest..iinhalehisclean,vitalscent.hesmellsoffreshlaunderedlinenandsomeexpensivebody-wash.ohmy,it’sintoxicating.iinhaledeeply.

“areyouokay?”hewhispers.hehasonearmaroundme,claspingmetohim,whilethefingersofhisotherhandsoftlytracemyface,gentlyprobing,examiningme.histhumbbrushesmylowerlip,andihearhisbreathhitch.he’sstaringintomyeyes,andiholdhisanxious,burninggazeforamomentormaybeit’sforever…buteventually,myattentionisdrawntohisbeautifulmouth.ohmy.andforthefirsttimeintwenty-oneyears,iwanttobekissed.iwanttofeelhismouthonme.

kissmedamnit!iimplorehim,butican’tmove.i’mparalyzedwithastrange,unfamiliarneed,completelycaptivatedbyhim.i’mstaringatchristiangrey’sexquisitelysculpturedmouth,mesmerized,andhe’slookingdownatme,hisgazehooded,hiseyesdarkening.he’sbreathingharderthanusual,andi’vestoppedbreathingaltogether.i’minyourarms.kissme,please.hecloseshiseyes,takesadeepbreath,andgivesmeasmallshakeofhisheadasifinanswertomysilentquestion.whenheopenshiseyesagain,it’swithsomenewpurpose,asteelyresolve.

“anastasia,youshouldsteerclearofme.i’mnotthemanforyou,”hewhispers.what?whereisthiscomingfrom?surelyishouldbethejudgeofthat.ifrownupathim,andmyheadswimswithrejection.

“breathe,anastasia,breathe.i’mgoingtostandyouupandletyougo,”hesaysquietly,andhegentlypushesmeaway.

adrenalinehasspikedthroughmybody,fromthenearmisswiththecyclistortheheadyproximitytochristian,lea一vingmewiredandweak.no!mypsychescreamsashepullsaway,lea一vingmebereft.hehashishandsonmyshoulders,holdingmeatarm’slength,watchingmyreactionscarefully.andtheonlythingicanthinkisthatiwantedtobekissed,madeitprettydamnedobvious,andhedidn’tdoit.hedoesn’twantme.hereallydoesn’twantme.iha一veroyallyscrewedupthecoffeemorning.

“i’vegotthis,”ibreathe,findingmyvoice.“thankyou,”imutterawashwithhumiliation.howcouldiha一vemisreadthesituationbetweenussoutterly?ineedtogetawayfromhim.

“forwhat?”hefrowns.hehasn’ttakenhishandsoffme.

“forsa一vingme,”iwhisper.

“thatidiotwasridingthewrongway.i’mgladiwashere.ishuddertothinkwhatcouldha一vehappenedtoyou.doyouwanttocomeandsitdowninthehotelforamoment?”hereleasesme,hishandsbyhissides,andi’mstandinginfrontofhimfeelinglikeafool.

withashake,iclearmyhead.ijustwanttogo.allmyvague,unarticulatedhopesha一vebeendashed.hedoesn’twantme.whatwasithinking?iscoldmyself.whatwouldchristiangreywantwithyou?mysubconsciousmocksme.iwrapmyarmsaroundmyselfandturntofacetheroadandnotewithreliefthatthegreenmanhasappeared.iquicklymakemywayacross,consciousthatgreyisbehindme.outsidethehotel,iturnbrieflytofacehimbutcannotlookhimintheeye.

“thanksfortheteaanddoingthephotoshoot,”imurmur.

“anastasia…i…”hestops,andtheanguishinhisvoicedemandsmyattention,soipeerunwillinglyupathim.hisgrayeyesarebleakasherunshishandthroughhishair.helookstorn,frustrated,hisexpressionstark,allhiscarefulcontrolhasevaporated.

“what,christian?”isnapirritablyafterhesays–nothing.ijustwanttogo.ineedtotakemyfragile,woundedprideawayandsomehownurseitbacktohealth.

“goodluckwithyourexams,”hemurmurs.

huh?thisiswhyhelookssodesolate?thisisthebigsendoff?justtowishmeluckinmyexams?

“thanks.”ican’tdisguisethesarcasminmyvoice.“goodbye,mr.grey.”iturnonmyheel,vaguelyamazedthatidon’ttrip,andwithoutgivinghimasecondglance,idisappeardownthesidewalktowardtheundergroundgarage.

onceunderneaththedark,coldconcreteofthegaragewithitsbleakfluorescentlight,ileanagainstthewallandputmyheadinmyhands.whatwasithinking?unbiddenandunwelcometearspoolinmyeyes.whyamicrying?isinktotheground,angryatmyselfforthissenselessreaction.drawingupmyknees,ifoldinonmyself.iwanttomakemyselfassmallaspossible.perhapsthisnonsensicalpainwillbesmallerthesmalleriam.placingmyheadonmyknees,ilettheirrationaltearsfallunrestrained.iamcryingoverthelossofsomethingineverhad.howridiculous.mourningsomethingthatneverwas–mydashedhopes,dasheddreams,andmysouredexpectations.

iha一veneverbeenonthereceivingendofrejection.okay…soiwasalwaysoneofthelasttobepickedforbasketballorvolleyball–butiunderstoodthat–runninganddoingsomethingelseatthesametimelikebouncingorthrowingaballisnotmything.iamaseriousliabilityinanysportingfield.

romantically,though,i’veneverputmyselfoutthere,ever.alifetimeofinsecurity–i’mtoopale,tooskinny,tooscruffy,uncoordinated,mylonglistoffaultsgoeson.soiha一vealwaysbeentheonetorebuffanywouldbeadmirers.therewasthatguyinmychemistryclasswholikedme,butnoonehaseversparkedmyinterest–nooneexceptchristiandamngrey.maybeishouldbekindertothelikesofpaulclaytonandjosérodriguez,

thoughi’msureneitherofthemha一vebeenfoundsobbingaloneindarkplaces.perhapsijustneedagoodcry.

stop!stopnow!-mysubconsciousismetaphoricallyscreamingatme,armsfolded,leaningononelegandtappingherfootinfrustration.getinthecar,gohome,doyourstudying.forgetabouthim…now!andstopallthisself-pitying,wallowingcrap.

itakeadeep,steadyingbreathandstandup.getittogethersteele.iheadforkate’scar,wipingthetearsoffmyfaceasido.iwillnotthinkofhimagain.icanjustchalkthisincidentuptoexperienceandconcentrateonmyexams.

kateissittingatthediningtableatherlaptopwheniarrive.herwelcomingsmilefadeswhensheseesme.

“anawhat’swrong?”

ohno…notthekatherineka一vanaghinquisition.ishakemyheadatherinaback-offnowka一vanaghway–butimightaswellbedealingwithablind,deafmute.

“you’vebeencrying,”shehasanexceptionalgiftforstatingthedamnedobvioussometimes.“whatdidthatbastarddotoyou?”shegrowls,andherface–jeez,she’sscary.

“nothingkate.”that’sactuallytheproblem.thethoughtbringsawrysmiletomyface.

“thenwhyha一veyoubeencrying?younevercry,”shesays,hervoicesoftening.shestands,hergreeneyesbrimmingwithconcern.sheputsherarmsaroundmeandhugsme.ineedtosaysomethingjusttogethertobackoff.

“iwasnearlyknockedoverbyacyclist.”it’sthebestthaticando,butitdistractshermomentarilyfrom…him.

“jeezana–areyouokay?wereyouhurt?”sheholdsmeatarm’slengthanddoesaquickvisualcheck-uponme.

“no.christiansa一vedme,”iwhisper.“butiwasquiteshaken.”

“i’mnotsurprised.howwascoffee?iknowyouhatecoffee.”

“ihadtea.itwasfine,nothingtoreportreally.idon’tknowwhyheaskedme.”

“helikesyouana.”shedropsherarms.

“notanymore.iwon’tbeseeinghimagain.”yes,imanagetosoundmatteroffact.

“oh?”

crap.she’sintrigued.iheadintothekitchensothatshecan’tseemyface.

“yeah…he’salittleoutofmyleaguekate,”isayasdrylyasicanmanage.

“whatdoyoumean?”

“ohkate,it’sobvious.”iwhirlroundandfaceherasshestandsinthekitchendoorway.

“nottome,”shesays.“okay,he’sgotmoremoneythanyou,butthenhehasmoremoneythanmostpeopleinamerica!”

“katehe’s–”ishrug.

“ana!forhea一ven’ssake–howmanytimesmustitellyou?you’reatotalbabe,”sheinterruptsme.ohno.she’soffonthistiradeagain.

“kate,please.ineedtostudy.”icuthershort.shefrowns.

“doyouwanttoseethearticle?it’sfinished.josétooksomegreatpictures.”

doineedavisualreminderofthebeautifulchristiani-don’t-want-yougrey?

“sure,”imagicasmileontomyfaceandstrollovertothelaptop.andthereheis,staringatmeinblackandwhite,staringatmeandfindingmelacking.

ipretendtoreadthearticle,allthetimemeetinghissteadygraygaze,searchingthephotoforsomeclueastowhyhe’snotthemanforme–hisownwordstome.andit’ssuddenly,blindinglyobvious.he’stoogloriouslygood-looking.wearepolesapartandfromtwoverydifferentworlds.iha一veavisionofmyselfasicarusflyingtooclosetothesunandcrashingandburningasaresult.hiswordsmakesense.he’snotthemanforme.thisiswhathemeant,anditmakeshisrejectioneasiertoaccept…almost.icanlivewiththis.iunderstand.

“verygoodkate,”imanage.“i’mgoingtostudy.”iamnotgoingtothinkabouthimagainfornow,ivowtomyself,andopeningmyrevisionnotes,istarttoread.

it’sonlywheni’minbed,tryingtosleep,thatiallowmythoughtstodriftthroughmystrangemorning.ikeepcomingbacktothe‘idon’tdothegirlfriendthing’quote,andi’mangrythatididn’tpounceonthisinformationsooner,wheniwasinhisarmsmentallybegginghimwitheveryfiberofmybeingtokissme.he’dsaiditthereandthen.hedidn’twantmeasagirlfriend.iturnontomyside.idly,iwonderifperhapshe’scelibate?iclosemyeyesandbegintodrift.maybehe’ssa一vinghimself.wellnotforyou,mysleepysubconscioushasafinalswipeatmebeforeunleashingitselfonmydreams.

andthatnight,idreamofgrayeyes,leafypatternsinmilk,andi’mrunningthroughdarkplaceswitheeriestriplighting,andidon’tknowifi’mrunningtowardsomethingorawayfromit…it’sjustnotclear.

iputmypendown.finished.myfinalexamisover.ifeelthecheshirecatgrinspreadovermyface.it’sprobablythefirsttimeallweekthati’vesmiled.it’sfriday,andweshallbecelebratingtonight,reallycelebrating.imightevengetdrunk!i’veneverbeendrunkbefore.iglanceacrossthesportshallatkate,andshe’sstillscribblingfuriously,fiveminutestotheend.thisisit,theendofmyacademiccareer.ishallneverha一vetositinrowsofanxious,isolatedstudentsagain.insidei’mdoinggracefulcartwheelsaroundmyhead,knowingfullwellthat’stheonlyplaceicandogracefulcartwheels.katestopswritingandputsherpendown.sheglancesacrossatme,andicatchhercheshirecatsmiletoo.

weheadbacktoourapartmenttogetherinhermercedes,refusingtodiscussourfinalpaper.kateismoreconcernedaboutwhatshe’sgoingtoweartothebarthisevening.iambusilyfishingaroundinmypurseformykeys.

“ana,there’sapackageforyou.”kateisstandingonthestepsuptothefrontdoorholdingabrownpaperparcel.odd.iha一ven’torderedanythingfromamazonrecently.kategivesmetheparcelandtakesmykeystoopenthefrontdoor.it’saddressedtomissanastasiasteele.there’snosender’saddressorname.perhapsit’sfrommymomorray.

“it’sprobablyfrommyfolks.”

“openit!”kateisexcitedassheheadsintothekitchenforour‘examsarefinishedhurrahchampagne’.

iopentheparcel,andinsideifindahalfleatherboxcontainingthreeseeminglyidenticaloldcloth-coveredbooksinmintconditionandaplainwhitecard.writtenononeside,inblackinkinneatcursivehandwriting,is:

irecognizethequotefromtess.iamstunnedbytheironyasi’vejustspentthreehourswritingaboutthenovelsofthomashardyinmyfinalexamination.perhapsthereisnoirony…perhapsit’sdeliberate.iinspectthebooksclosely,threevolumesoftessofthed’urbervilles.iopenthefrontcover.writteninanoldtypefaceonthefrontplateis:

‘london:jackr.osgood,mcilvaineandco.,1891.’

holyshit-theyarefirsteditions.theymustbeworthafortune,andiknowimmediatelywho’ssentthem.kateisatmyshouldergazingatthebooks.shepicksupthecard.

“firsteditions,”iwhisper.

“no.”kate’seyesarewidewithdisbelief.“grey?”

inod.

“can’tthinkofanyoneelse.”

“whatdoesthiscardmean?”

“iha一venoidea.ithinkit’sawarning–honestlyhekeepswarningmeoff.iha一venoideawhy.it’snotlikei’mbeatinghisdoordown.”ifrown.

“iknowyoudon’twanttotalkabouthim,ana,buthe’sseriouslyintoyou.warningsorno.”

iha一venotletmyselfdwellonchristiangreyforthepastweek.okay…sohisgrayeyesarestillhauntingmydreams,andiknowitwilltakeaneternitytoexpungethefeelofhisarmsaroundmeandhiswonderfulfragrancefrommybrain.whyhashesentmethis?hetoldmethatiwasn’tforhim.

“i’vefoundonetessfirsteditionforsaleinnewyorkat$14,000.butyourslooksinmuchbettercondition.theymustha一vecostmore.”kateisconsultinghergoodfriendgoogle.

“thisquote–tesssaysittohermotherafteralecd’urbervillehashadhiswickedwaywithher.”

“iknow,”museskate.“whatishetryingtosay?”

“idon’tknow,andidon’tcare.ican’tacceptthesefromhim.i’llsendthembackwithanequallybafflingquotefromsomeobscurepartofthebook.”

“thebitwhereangelclaresaysfuckoff?”kateaskswithacompletelystraightface.

“yes,thatbit.”igiggle.ilovekate,she’ssoloyalandsupportive.irepackthebooksandlea一vethemonthediningtable.katehandsmeaglassofchampagne.

“totheendofexamsandournewlifeinseattle,”shegrins.

“totheendofexams,ournewlifeinseattle,andexcellentresults.”weclinkglassesanddrink.

thebarisloudandhectic,fullofsoontobegraduatesouttogettrashed.joséjoinsus.hewon’tgraduateforanotheryear,buthe’sinthemoodtopartyandgetsusintothespiritofournewfoundfreedombybuyingapitcherofmargaritasforusall.asidownmyfifth,iknowthisisnotagoodideaontopofthechampagne.

“sowhatnowana?”joséshoutsatmeoverthenoise.

“kateandiaremovingtoseattle.kate’sparentsha一veboughtacondothereforher.”

“diosmio,howtheotherhalflive.butyou’llbebackformyshow.”

“ofcourse,josé,iwouldn’tmissitfortheworld.”ismile,andheputshisarmaroundmywaistandpullsmeclose.

“itmeansalottomethatyou’llbethereana,”hewhispersinmyear.“anothermargarita?”

“joséluisrodriguez–areyoutryingtogetmedrunk?becauseithinkit’sworking.”igiggle.“ithinki’dbetterha一veabeer.i’llgogetusapitcher.”

“moredrink,ana!”katebellows.

katehastheconstitutionofanox.she’sgotherarmdrapedoverlevi,oneofourfellowenglishstudentsandherusualphotographeronherstudentnewspaper.he’sgivenuptakingphotosofthedrunkennessthatsurroundshim.heonlyhaseyesforkate.she’salltinycamisole,tightjeans,andhighheels,hairpiledhighwithtendrilshangingdownsoftlyaroundherface,herusualstunningself.me,i’mmoreofaconverseandt-shirtkindofgirl,buti’mwearingmymostflatteringjeans.imoveoutofjosé’sholdandgetupfromourtable.whoa.headspin.iha一vetograbthebackofthechair.tequilabasedcocktailsarenotagoodidea.

imakemywaytothebaranddecidethatishouldvisitthepowderroomwhileiamonmyfeet.goodthinking,ana.istaggeroffthroughthecrowd.ofcourse,there’saline,butatleastit’squietandcoolinthecorridor.ireachformycellphonetorelievetheboredomofwaitinginline.hmm…whodidilastcall?wasitjosé?beforethatanumberidon’trecognize.ohyes.grey,ithinkthisishisnumber.igiggle.iha一venoideawhatthetimeis,maybei’llwakehim.perhapshecantellmewhyhesentmethosebooksandthecryptic

message.ifhewantsmetostayaway,heshouldlea一vemealone.isuppressadrunkengrinandhittheautomaticre-dial.heanswersonthesecondring.

“anastasia?”he’ssurprisedtohearfromme.well,frankly,i’msurprisedtoringhim.thenmybefuddledbrainregisters…howdoesheknowit’sme?

“whydidyousendmethebooks?”islurathim.

“anastasia,areyouokay?yousoundstrange.”hisvoiceisfilledwithconcern.

“i’mnotthestrangeone,youare,”iaccuse.there-thattoldhim,mycouragefuelledbyalcohol.

“anastasia,ha一veyoubeendrinking?”

“what’sittoyou?”

“i’m–curious.whereareyou?”

“inabar.”

“whichbar?”hesoundsexasperated.

“abarinportland.”

“howareyougettinghome?”

“i’llfindaway.”thisconversationisnotgoinghowiexpected.

“whichbarareyouin?”

“whydidyousendmethebooks,christian?”

“anastasia,whereareyou,tellmenow.”histoneisso,sodictatorial,hisusualcontrolfreak.iimaginehimasanoldtimemoviedirectorwearingjodhpurs,holdinganoldfashionedmegaphoneandaridingcrop.theimagemakesmelaughoutloud.

“you’reso…domineering,”igiggle.

“ana,sohelpme,wherethefuckareyou?”

christiangreyisswearingatme.igiggleagain.“i’minportland…s’alongwayfromseattle.”

“whereinportland?”

“goodnight,christian.”

“ana!”

ihangup.ha!thoughhedidn’ttellmeaboutthebooks.ifrown.missionnotaccomplished.iamreallyquitedrunk-myheadswimsuncomfortablyasishufflewiththeline.well,theobjectoftheexercisewastogetdrunk.iha一vesucceeded.thisiswhatit’slike–probablynotanexperiencetoberepeated.thelinehasmoved,andit’snowmyturn.istareblanklyattheposteronthebackofthetoiletdoorthatextolsthevirtuesofsafesex.holycrap,didijustcallchristiangrey?shit.myphoneringsanditmakesmejump.iyelpinsurprise.

“hi,”ibleattimidlyintothephone.ihadn’treckonedonthis.

“i’mcomingtogetyou,”hesaysandhangsup.onlychristiangreycouldsoundsocalmandsothreateningatthesametime.

holycrap.ipullmyjeansup.myheartisthumping.comingtogetme?ohno.i’mgoingtobesick…no…i’mfine.hangon.he’sjustmessingwithmyhead.ididn’ttellhimwhereiwas.hecan’tfindmehere.besides,itwilltakehimhourstogetherefromseattle,andwe’llbelonggonebythen.iwashmyhandsandcheckmyfaceinthemirror.ilookflushedandslightlyunfocused.hmm…tequila.

iwaitatthebarforwhatfeelslikeaneternityforthepitcherofbeerandeventuallyreturntothetable.

“you’vebeengonesolong.”katescoldsme.“wherewereyou?”

“iwasinlinefortherestroom.”

joséandleviareha一vingsomeheateddebateaboutourlocalbaseballteam.josépausesinhistiradetopourusallbeers,anditakealongsip.

“kate,ithinki’dbetterstepoutsideandgetsomefreshair.”

“ana,youaresuchalightweight.”

“i’llbefiveminutes.”

imakemywaythroughthecrowdagain.iambeginningtofeelnauseous,myheadisspinninguncomfortably,andi’malittleunsteadyonmyfeet.moreunsteadythanusual.

drinkinginthecooleveningairintheparkinglotmakesmerealizehowdrunkiam.myvisionhasbeenaffected,andi’mreallyseeingdoubleofeverythinglikeinoldre-runsoftomandjerrycartoons.ithinki’mgoingtobesick.whydidiletmyselfgetthismessedup?

“ana,”joséhasjoinedme.“youokay?”

“ithinki’vejusthadabittoomuchtodrink.”ismileweaklyathim.

“metoo,”hemurmurs,andhisdarkeyesarewatchingmeintently.“doyouneedahand?”heasksandstepscloser,puttinghisarmaroundme.

“joséi’mokay.i’vegotthis.”itryandpushhimawayratherfeebly.

“ana,please,”hewhispers,andnowhe’sholdingmeinhisarms,pullingmeclose.

“josé,whatyoudoing?”

“youknowilikeyouana,please.”hehasonehandatthesmallofmybackholdingmeagainsthim,theotheratmychintippingbackmyhead.holyfuck…he’sgoingtokissme.