ilaythereforhalfhourtryingtomakeupmymindwhattodo.partofmewantedtolethimgetgoodanddrunkandseeifanythingcameout.ididn’tthinkanythingmuchwouldhappentohiminhisownstudyinhisownhouse.hemightfalldownagainbutitwouldbealongtime.theguyhadcapacity.andsomehowadrunkneverhurtshimselfverybadly.hemightgetbackhismoodofguilt.morelikely,thistimehewouldjustgotosleep.

theotherpartofmewantedtogetoutandstayout,butthiswasthepartineverlistenedto.becauseifieverhadiwouldhavestayedinthetownwhereiwasbornandworkedinthehardwarestoreandmarriedtheboss’sdaughterandhadfivekidsandreadthemthefunnypaperonsundaymorningandsmackedtheirheadswhentheygotoutoflineandsquabbledwiththewifeabouthowmuchspendingmoneytheyweretogetandwhatprogramstheycouldhaveontheradioortvset.imightevenhavegotrich—small-townrich,aneight-roomhouse,twocarsinthegarage,chickeneverysundayandthereader’sdigestonthelivingroomtable,thewifewithacast-ironpermanentandmewithabrainlikeasackofportlandcement.youtakeit,friend.i’lltakethebigsordiddirtycrookedcity.

igotupandwentbacktothestudy.hewasjustsittingtherestaringatnothing,thescotchbottlemorethanhalfempty,aloosefrownonhisfaceandadullglitterinhiseyes.helookedatmelikeahorselookingoverafence.

“whatd’youwant?”

“nothing.youallright?”

“don’tbotherme.ihavealittlemanonmyshouldertellingmestories.”

igotanothersandwichofftheteawagonandanotherglassofbeer.imunchedthesandwichanddrankthebeer,leaningagainsthisdesk.

“knowsomething?”heaskedsuddenly,andhisvoicesuddenlyseemedmuchmoreclear.“ihadamalesecretaryonce.usedtodictatetohim.lethimgo.hebotheredmesittingtherewaitingformetocreate.mistake.oughttohavekepthim.wordwouldhavegotaroundiwasahomo.thecleverboysthatwritebookreviewsbecausetheycan’twriteanythingelsewouldhavecaughtonandstartedgivingmethebuildup.havetotakecareoftheirown,youknow.they’reallqueers,everydamnoneofthem.thequeeristheartisticarbiterofourage,chum.thepervertisthetopguynow.”

“thatso?alwaysbeenaround,hasn’the?”

hewasn’tlookingatme.hewasjusttalking.butheheardwhatisaid.

“sure,thousandsofyears.andespeciallyinallthegreatagesofart.athens,rome,therenaissance,theelizabethanage,theromanticmovementinfrance—loadedwiththem.queersallovertheplace.everreadthegoldenbough?no,toolongforyou.shorterversionthough.oughttoreadit.provesoursexualhabitsarepureconventionslike—wearingablacktiewithadinnerjacket.me.i’masexwriter,butwithfrillsandstraight.”

helookedupatmeandsneered.“youknowsomething?i’maliar.myheroesareeightfeettallandmyheroineshavecallousesontheirbottomsfromlyinginbedwiththeirkneesup.laceandruffles,swordsandcoaches,eleganceandleisure,duelsandgallantdeath.alllies.theyusedperfumeinsteadofsoap,theirteethrottedbecausetheynevercleanedthem,theirfingernailssmelledofstalegravy.thenobilityoffranceurinatedagainstthewallsinthemarblecorridorsofversailles,andwhenyoufinallygotseveralsetsofunderclothesoffthelovelymarquisethefirstthingyounoticedwasthatsheneededabath.ioughttowriteitthatway.”

“whydon’tyou?”

hechuckled.“sure,andliveinafive-roomhouseincompton—ifiwasthatlucky.”hereacheddownandpattedthewhiskeybottle.“you’relonely,pal.youneedcompany.”

hegotupandwalkedfairlysteadilyoutoftheroom.iwaited,thinkingaboutnothing.aspeedboatcameracketingdownthelake.whenitcameinsighticouldseethatitwashighoutofthewateronitsstepandtowingasurfboardwithahuskysunburnedladonit.iwentovertothefrenchwindowsandwatcheditmakeasweepingturn.toofast,thespeedboatalmostturnedover.thesurfboardriderdancedononefoottryingtoholdhisbalance,thenwentshootingoffintothewater.thespeedboatdriftedtoastopandthemaninthewatercameuptoitinalazycrawl,thenwentbackalongthetowropeandrolledhimselfontothesurfboard.

wadecamebackwithanotherbottleofwhiskey.thespeedboatpickedupandwentoffintothedistance.wadeputhisfreshbottledownbesidetheother.hesatdownandbrooded.

“christ,you’renotgoingtodrinkallthat,areyou?”

hesquintedhiseyesatme.“takeoff,buster.goonhomeandmopthekitchenfloororsomething.you’reinmylight.”hisvoicewasthickagain.hehadtakenacoupleinthekitchen,asusual.

“ifyouwantme,holler.”

“icouldn’tgetlowenoughtowantyou.”

“yeah,thanks.i’llbearounduntilmrs.wadecomeshome.everhearofanybodynamedpaulmarston?”

hisheadcameupslowly.hiseyesfocused,butwitheffort.icouldseehimfightingforcontrol.hewonthefightforthemoment.hisfacebecameexpressionless.