nextmorningigotuplateonaccountofthebigfeeihadearnedthenightbefore.idrankanextracupofcoffee,smokedanextracigarette,ateanextrasliceofcanadianbacon,andforthethreehundredthtimeisworeiwouldneveragainuseanelectricrazor.thatmadethedaynormal.ihittheofficeaboutten,pickedupsomeoddsandendsofmail,slittheenvelopesandletthestufflieonthedesk.iopenedthewindowswidetoletoutthesmellofdustanddinginessthatcollectedinthenightandhunginthestillair,inthecornersoftheroom,intheslatsofthevenetianblinds.adeadmothwasspread-eagledonacornerofthedesk.onthewindowsillabeewithtatteredwingswascrawlingalongthewoodwork,buzzinginatiredremotesortofway,asifsheknewitwasn’tanyuse,shewasfinished,shehadflowntoomanymissionsandwouldnevergetbacktothehiveagain.

iknewitwasgoingtobeoneofthosecrazydays.everyonehasthem.dayswhennobodyrollsinbuttheloosewheels,thedingoeswhoparktheirbrainswiththeirgum,thesquirrelswhocan’tfindtheirnuts,themechanicswhoalwayshaveagearwheelleftover.

thefirstwasabigblondroughnecknamedkuissenenorsomethingfinnishlikethat.hejammedhismassivebottominthecustomer’schairandplantedtwowidehornyhandsonmydeskandsaidhewasapower-shoveloperator,thathelivedinculvercity,andthegoddamwomanwholivednextdoortohimwastryingtopoisonhisdog.everymorningbeforeheletthedogoutforaruninthebackyardhehadtosearchtheplacefromfencetofenceformeatballsthrownoverthepotatovinefromnextdoor.he’dfoundnineofthemsofarandtheywereloadedwithagreenishpowderheknewwasanarsenicweedkiller.

“howmuchtowatchoutandcatchheratit?”hestaredatmeasunblinkinglyasafishinatank.

“whynotdoityourself?”

“igottoworkforaliving,mister.i’mlosingfourtwenty-fiveanhourjustcomingupheretoask.”

“trythepolice?”

“itrythepolice.theymightgetaroundtoitsometimenextyear.rightnowthey’rebusysuckinguptomgm.”

“?thetailwaggers?”

“what’sthem?”

itoldhimaboutthetailwaggers.hewasfarfrominterested.heknewaboutthethecouldtakearunningjump.theycouldn’tseenothingsmallerthanahorse.

“itsaysonthedooryou’reaninvestigator,”hesaidtruculently.“okay,gothehelloutandinvestigate.fiftybucksifyoucatchher.”

“sorry,”isaid.“i’mtiedup.spendingacoupleofweekshidinginagopherholeinyourbackyardwouldbeoutofmylineanyway—evenforfiftybucks.”

hestoodupglowering.“bigshot,”hesaid.“don’tneedthedough,huh?can’tbebotheredsavingthelifeofaitty-bittydog.nutstoyou,bigshot.”

“i’vegottroubles,too,mr.kuissenen.”

“i’lltwisthergoddamneckificatchher,”hesaid,andididn’tdoubthecouldhavedoneit.hecouldhavetwistedthehindlegoffofanelephant.“that’swhatmakesitiwantsomebodyelse.justbecausethelittletikebarkswhenacargoesbythehouse.sour-facedoldbitch.”

hestartedforthedoor.“areyousureit’sthedogshe’stryingtopoison?”iaskedhisback.

“surei’msure.”hewashalfwaytothedoorbeforethenickeldropped.heswungaroundfastthen.“saythatagain,buster.”

ijustshookmyhead.ididn’twanttofighthim.hemighthitmeontheheadwithmydesk.hesnortedandwentout,almosttakingthedoorwithhim.

thenextcookieinthedishwasawoman,notold,notyoung,notclean,nottoodirty,obviouslypoor,shabby,querulousandstupid.thegirlsheroomedwith—inhersetanywomanwhoworksoutisagirl—wastakingmoneyoutofherpurse.adollarhere,fourbitsthere,butitaddedup.shefiguredshewasoutclosetotwentydollarsinall.shecouldn’taffordit.shecouldn’taffordtomoveeither.shecouldn’taffordadetective.shethoughtioughttobewillingtothrowascareintotheroommatejustonthetelephonelike,notmentioninganynames.

ittookhertwentyminutesormoretotellmethis.shekneadedherbagincessantlywhiletellingit.

“anybodyyouknowcoulddothat,”isaid.

“yeah,butyoubeingadickandall.”

“idon’thavealicensetothreatenpeopleiknownothingabout.”

“i’mgoin’totellheribeenintoseeyou.idon’thavetosayit’sher.justthatyou’reworkin’onit.”

“iwouldn’tifiwereyou.ifyoumentionmynameshemaycallmeup.ifshedoesthat,i’lltellherthefacts.”

shestoodupandslammedhershabbybagagainstherstomach.“you’renogentleman,”shesaidshrilly.

“wheredoesitsayihavetobe?”

shewentoutmumbling.

afterlunchihadmr.simpsonw.edelweiss.hehadacardtoproveit.hewasmanagerofasewingmachineagency.hewasasmalltired-lookingmanaboutforty-eighttofifty,smallhandsandfeet,wearingabrownsuitwithsleevestoolong,andastiffwhitecollarbehindapurpletiewithblackdiamondsonit.hesatontheedgeofthechairwithoutfidgetingandlookedatmeoutofsadblackeyes.hishairwasblacktooandthickandroughwithoutasignofgrayinitthaticouldsee.hehadaclippedmustachewithareddishtone.hecouldhavepassedforthirty-fiveifyoudidn’tlookatthebacksofhishands.

“callmesimp,”hesaid.“everybodyelsedoes.igotitcoming.i’majewishmanmarriedtoagentilewoman,twenty-fouryearsofage,beautiful.sherunawayacoupleoftimesbefore.”

hegotoutaphotoofherandshowedittome.shemighthavebeenbeautifultohim.tomeshewasabigsloppy-lookingcowofawomanwithaweakmouth.

“what’syourtrouble,mr.edelweiss?idon’tdoporcebusiness.”itriedtogivehimbackthephoto.hewaveditaway.“theclientisalwaysmistertome,”iadded.“untilhehastoldmeafewdozenliesanyway.”

hesmiled.“liesigotnousefor.it’snotaporcematter.ijustwantmabelbackagain.butshedon’tcomebackuntilifindher.maybeit’sakindofgamewithher.”