gentlysomyheadtipsback.
“whatcanidotomakeyousayyes?”heasks
fervently,throwingmeoffbalanceoncemore.iblinkat
him—athislovely,serious,desperateexpression.
“givemesometime?please,”imurmur.hegroans
andfinallyhekissesme,longandhard.thenwe’reinthe
elevator,andwe’reallhandsandmouthsandtonguesand
lipsandfingersandhair.desire,thickandstrong,lances
throughmyblood,cloudingallmyreason.hepushesme
againstthewall,pinningmewithhiships,onehandinmy
hair,theotheratmychin,holdingmeinplace.
“youownme,”hewhispers.“myfateisinyourhands,
ana.”
hiswordsareintoxicating,andinmyoverheatedstate,
iwanttoripoffhisclothes.ipushoffhisjacket,andas
theelevatorarrivesattheapartment,wetumbleoutinto
thefoyer.
christianpinsmetothewallbytheelevator,hisjacket
christianpinsmetothewallbytheelevator,hisjacket
fallingtothefloor,andhishandtra一velsupmyleg,hislips
neverlea一vingmine.hehoistsupmydress.
“firstsurfacehere,”hebreathesandabruptlyhelifts
me.“wrapyourlegsaroundme.”
idoasi’mtold,andheturnsandlaysmedownonthe
foyertable,sohe’sstandingbetweenmylegs.i’maware
thattheusualvaseofflowersismissing.huh?reaching
intohisjeanspocket,hefishesoutafoilpacketandhands
ittome,undoinghisfly.
“doyouknowhowmuchyouturnmeon?”
“what?”ipant.“no...i...”
“well,youdo,”hemutters,“allthetime.”hegrabsthe
foilpacketfrommyhands.oh,thisissoquick,butafter
allhistantalizingteasing,iwanthimbadly—rightnow.he
gazesdownatmeasherollsonthecondom,thenputshis
handsundermythighs,spreadingmylegswider.
positioninghimself,hepauses.“keepyoureyesopen.
iwanttoseeyou,”hewhispersandclaspingbothmy
handswithhis,hesinksslowlyintome.
itry,ireallydo,butthefeelingissoexquisite.what
i’vebeenwaitingforafterallhisteasing.oh,thefullness,
thisfeeling...igroanandarchmybackoffthetable.
“open!”hegrowls,tighteninghishandsonmineand
thrustingsharplyintomesothaticryout.
iblinkmyeyesopen,andhestaresdownatmewideeyed.
slowlyhewithdrawsthensinksintomeoncemore,
hismouthslackeningandthenforminganah...,buthe
saysnothing.seeinghisarousal,hisreactiontome—ilight
upinside,mybloodscorchingthroughmyveins.hisgray
upinside,mybloodscorchingthroughmyveins.hisgray
eyesburnintomine.hepicksuptherhythm,andirevelin
it,gloryinit,watchinghim,watchingme—hispassion,
hislove—aswecomeapart,together.
icalloutasiexplodearoundhim,andchristian
follows.
“yes,ana!”hecries.hecollapsesonme,releasing
myhandsandrestinghisheadonmychest.mylegsare
stillwrappedaroundhim,andunderthepatient,maternal
eyesofthemadonnapaintings,icradlehisheadagainst
meandstruggletocatchmybreath.
heraiseshisheadtolookatme.“i’mnotfinishedwith
youyet,”hemurmursandleaningup,hekissesme.
ilienakedinchristian’sbed,sprawledoverhischest,
panting.holycow—doeshisenergyeverwane?christian
trailshisfingersupanddownmyback.
“satisfied,misssteele?”
imurmurmyassent.iha一venoenergyleftfortalking.
raisingmyhead,iturnunfocusedeyestohimandbaskin
hiswarm,fondgaze.verydeliberately,ianglemyhead
downsoheknowsiamgoingtokisshischest.
hetensesmomentarily,andiplantasoftkissinhis
chesthair,breathinginhisuniquechristiansmell,mixed
withsweatandsex.it’sheady.herollsontohissideso
i’mlyingbesidehimandgazesdownatme.
“issexlikethisforeveryone?i’msurprisedanyone
evergoesout,”imurmur,feelingsuddenlyshy.
hegrins.“ican’tspeakforeveryone,butit’spretty
hegrins.“ican’tspeakforeveryone,butit’spretty
damnedspecialwithyou,anastasia.”hebendsandkisses
me.
“that’sbecauseyou’reprettydamnedspecial,mr.
grey,”iagree,smilingupathimandcaressinghisface.he
blinksdownatmeataloss.
“it’slate.gotosleep,”hesays.hekissesme,thenlies
downandpullsmetohimsowe’respooninginbed.
“youdon’tlikecompliments.”
“gotosleep,anastasia.”
hmm...butheisprettydamnedspecial.jeez...
whydoesn’therealizethis?
“ilovedthehouse,”imurmur.
hesaysnothingforamoment,butisensehisgrin.
“iloveyou.gotosleep.”henuzzlesmyhair,andi
driftintosleep,safeinhisarms,dreamingofsunsetsand
frenchdoorsandwidestaircases...andasmallcopperhaired
boyrunningthroughameadow,laughingand
gigglingasichasehim.
“gottago,baby.”christiankissesmejustbelowmyear.
iopenmyeyesandit’smorning.iturntofacehim,but
he’supanddressedandfreshanddelicious,leaningover
me.
“whattimeisit?”ohno...idon’twanttobelate.
“whattimeisit?”ohno...idon’twanttobelate.
“don’tpanic.iha一veabreakfastmeeting.”herubshis
noseagainstmine.
“yousmellgood,”imurmur,stretchingoutbeneath
him,mylimbspleasurablytightandcreakyfromallour
exploitsyesterday.iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneck.
“don’tgo.”
hecockshisheadtoonesideandraiseshiseyebrow.
“misssteele—areyoutryingtokeepamanfroman
honestday’swork?”
inodsleepilyathim,andhesmileshisnewshysmile.
“astemptingasyouare,iha一vetogo.”hekissesme
andstands.he’swearingareallysharpdarkna一vysuit,
whiteshirtandna一vytie,andhelookseveryinchthe
ceo...thehotceo.
“laters,baby,”hemurmursandhe’soff.
glancingattheclockinoteit’salreadyseven—imust
ha一vesleptthroughthealarm.well,timetogetup.
intheshower,inspirationhitsme.i’vethoughtofanother
birthdaypresentforchristian.it’ssodifficulttobuy
somethingforthemanwhohaseverything.i’vealready
givenhimmymainpresent,andistillha一vetheotheritemi
boughtatthetouristshop,butthisisonepresentthatwill
reallybeforme.ihugmyselfinanticipationasiswitchoff
theshower.ijustha一vetoprepareit.
inthewalk-incloset,iputonadarkredfitteddress
withasquareneckline,cutquitelow.yes,thiswilldofor
work.
nowforchristian’spresent.istartrummaging
throughhisdrawers,lookingforhisties.inthebottom
drawerifindthosefaded,rippedjeans,theoneshewears
intheplayroom—theoneshelookssohotin.istroke
themgently,usingmywholehand.ohmy,thematerialis
sosoft.
beneaththem,ifindalarge,black,flatcardboardbox.
itpiquesmyinterestimmediately.what’sinhere?istare
atit,feelinglikei’mtrespassingagain.takingitout,i
shakeit.it’shea一vyasifitholdspapersormanuscripts.i
cannotresist,iopenthelid—andquicklyshutitagain.
holyfuck—photographsfromtheredroom.theshock
makesmesitbackonmyheelsasitrytowipetheimage
frommybrain.whydidiopenthebox?whyhashe
keptthem?
ishudder.mysubconsciousscowlsatme—thisis
beforeyou.forgetthem.
she’sright.standingupinoticehistiesarehangingat
theendofhisclothesrail.ifindmyfa一voriteandexit
quickly.
itrytotellmyselfthosephotosareba—beforeana.
mysubconsciousnodswithapproval,butit’switha
hea一vierheartthatiheadintothemainroomforbreakfast.
mrs.jonessmilesatmewarmlyandthenfrowns.
“everythingallright,ana?”sheaskskindly.
“yes,”imurmur,distracted.“doyouha一veakeyto
the...um,playroom?”
shepausesmomentarily,surprised.
“yes,ofcourse.”sheunclipsasmallbunchofkeys
fromherbelt.“whatwouldyoulikeforbreakfast,dear?”
sheasksasshehandsmethekeys.
“justgranola.iwon’tbelong.”
ifeelmoreambivalentaboutthisgiftnowbutonly
sincethediscoveryofthosephotographs.nothing’s
changed,mysubconsciousbarksatmeagain,glaringat
meoverherhalf-moonwingedglasses.thatpicturewas
hot,myinnergoddesschipsin,andmentallyiscowlat
her.yesitwas—toohotforme.
whatelsedoesheha一vehiddenaway?quicklyiferret
throughthemuseumchest,takewhatineed,andlockthe
playroomdoorbehindme.wouldn’tdoforjoséto
discoverthis!
ihandthekeysbacktomrs.jonesandsitdownto
devourmybreakfast,feelingoddthatchristianisabsent.
thephotographimagedancesunwelcomearoundmy
mind.iwonderwhoitwas?leilaperhaps?
onmydriveintowork,idebatewhetherornottotell
christianifoundhisphotographs.no,screamsmy
subconscious,heredvardmunchfaceon.idecideshe’s
probablyright.
asisitdownatmydesk,myblackberrybuzzes.
from:christiangrey
subject:surfaces
date:june17,201108:59
to:anastasiasteele
icalculatethatthereareatleast30surfacestogo.iamlooking
forwardtoeachandeveryoneofthem.thenthere’sthefloors,
thewalls—andlet’snotforgetthebalcony.
afterthatthere’smyoffice...
missyou.x
christiangrey
priapicceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
hise-mailmakesmesmile,andallmyearlierreservations
evaporate.it’smehewantsnow,andmemoriesoflast
night’ssexcapadesfloodmymind...theelevator,the
foyer,thebed.priapicisright.iwonderidlywhatthe
femaleequivalentmightbe?
from:anastasiasteele
subject:romance?
date:june17,201109:03
to:christiangrey
to:christiangrey
mr.grey
youha一veaone-trackmind.
imissedyouatbreakfast
butmrs.joneswasveryaccommodating.
ax
from:christiangrey
subject:intrigued
date:june17,201109:07
to:anastasiasteele
whatwasmrs.jonesaccommodatingabout?
whatareyouuptomisssteele?
christiangrey
curiousceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
howdoesheknow?
from:anastasiasteele
subject:tappingnose
date:june17,201109:10
to:christiangrey
waitandsee—it’sasurprise.
ineedtowork...letmebe.
loveyou.
ax
from:christiangrey
subject:frustrated
date:june17,201109:12
to:anastasiasteele
ihateitwhenyoukeepthingsfromme.
christiangrey
ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
istareatthesmallscreenofmyblackberry.the
vehemenceimplicitinhise-mailtakesmebysurprise.why
doeshefeellikethis?it’snotlikei’mhidingerotic
photographsofmyexes.
from:anastasiasteele
subject:indulgingyou
subject:indulgingyou
date:june17,201109:14
to:christiangrey
it’sforyourbirthday.
anothersurprise.
don’tbesopetulant.
ax
hedoesn’treplyimmediately,andi’mcalledintoa
meetingsoican’tdwellonitfortoolong.
wheninextglanceatmyblackberry,tomyhorrori
realizeit’sfourintheafternoon.wherehasthedaygone?
stillnomessagefromchristian.idecidetoe-mailhim
again.
from:anastasiasteele
subject:hello
date:june17,201116:03
to:christiangrey
areyounottalkingtome?
don’tforgetiamgoingforadrinkwithjosé,andthathe’s
stayingwithustonight.
pleaserethinkaboutjoiningus.
pleaserethinkaboutjoiningus.
ax
hedoesn’treply,andifeelafrissonofunease.ihope
he’sokay.callinghismobile,igethisvoicemail.the
announcementsimplysaysgrey,lea一veamessageinhis
mostclippedtone.
“hi...um...it’sme.ana.areyouokay?callme,”
istutterthroughmymessage.i’veneverhadtolea一veone
forhimbefore.iflushasihangup.ofcoursehe’llknow
it’syou,idiot!mysubconsciousrollshereyesatme.iam
temptedtoringhispaandreabutdecidethat’sasteptoo
far.reluctantlyicontinuemywork.
myphoneringsunexpectedlyandmyheartjumps.
christian!butno—it’skate,mybestfriendfinally!
“ana!”sheshoutsfromwhereversheis.
“kate!areyouback?i’vemissedyou.”
“me,too.iha一vesomuchtotellyou.we’reatsea-
tac—meandmyman.”shegigglesinamostun-katelike
way.
“cool.iha一vesomuchtotellyou,too.”
“seeyoubackattheapartment?”
“i’mha一vingdrinkswithjosé.joinus.”
“josé’sintown?sure!textmewhere.”
“okay.”ibeam.mybestfriendishome.afterallthis
time!
“yougood,ana?”
“yeah,i’mfine.”
“stillwithchristian?”
“yes.”
“good.laters!”
oh,notheraswell.elliot’sinfluenceknowsno
bounds.
“yeah—laters,baby.”igrinandshehangsup.
wow.kateishome.howamigoingtotellherallthat
hashappened?ishouldwriteitdownsoidon’tforget
anything.
anhourlatermyofficephonerings—christian?no,it’s
claire.
“youshouldseetheguyaskingforyouinreception.
howcomeyouknowallthesehotguys,ana?”
josémustbehere.iglanceattheclock—it’sfivefiftyfive,
andasmallthrillofexcitementpulsesthroughme.i
ha一ven’tseenhiminages.
“ana,wow!youlookgreat.sogrownup.”hegrins
atme.
justbecausei’mwearingasmartdress...jeez!
hehugsmehard.“andtall,”hemuttersinamazement.
“it’sjusttheshoes,josé.youdon’tlooksobad
yourself.”
he’swearingjeans,ablackt-shirt,andablackand
whitecheckflannelshirt.
“i’llgrabmythingsandwecango.”
“i’llgrabmythingsandwecango.”
“cool.i’llwaithere.”
ipickuptworollingrocksfromthecrowdedbarand
headovertothetablewherejoséisseated.
“youfoundchristian’splaceokay?”
“yeah.iha一ven’tbeeninside.ijustdeliveredthe
photostotheserviceelevator.someguynamedtaylor
tookthemup.lookslikequiteaplace.”
“itis.youshouldseeinside.”
“can’twait.salud,ana.seattleagreeswithyou.”
iflushasweclinkbottles.it’schristianthatagrees
withme.“salud.tellmeaboutyourshowandhowit
went.”
hebeamsandlaunchesintothestory.hesoldallbut
threeofhisphotos,whichhastakencareofhisstudent
loansandlefthimsomecashtospare.
“andi’vebeencommissionedtodosomelandscapes
fortheportlandtouristauthority.prettycool,huh?”he
finishesproudly.
“ohjosé—that’swonderful.notinterferingwithyour
studiesthough?”ifrownathim.
“nah.nowthatyouguysha一vegoneandthreeofthe
guysiusedtohangoutwith,iha一vemoretime.”
“nohotbabetokeepyoubusy?lasttimeisawyou,
youhadhalfadozenwomenhangingonyourevery
word.”iarchaneyebrowathim.
“nah,ana.noneofthemarewomanenoughforme.”
he’sallbra一vado.
he’sallbra一vado.
“ohsure.josérodriguez,ladykiller.”igiggle.
“hey—iha一vemymoments,steele.”helooksvaguely
hurt,andiamchastened.
“sureyoudo.”imollifyhim.
“so,how’sgrey?”heasks,histonechanging,
becomingcooler.
“he’sgood.we’regood,”imurmur.
“serious,yousay?”
“yes.serious.”
“he’snottoooldforyou?”
“ohjosé.youknowwhatmymomsays—iwasborn
old.”
josé’smouthtwistswryly.
“howisyourmom?”andlikethat,weareoutofthe
dangerzone.
“ana!”
iturnandthere’skatewithethan.shelooks
gorgeous:sun-kissed,bleachedstrawberry-blondhair,
goldentan,andbeamingwhitesmile,andsoshapelyinher
whitecamiandtightwhitejeans.alleyesareonkate.i
leapupfrommyseattogiveherahug.ohhowi’ve
missedthiswoman!
shepushesmeawayfromherandholdsmeatarm’s
length,examiningmeclosely.iflushunderherintense
gaze.
“you’velostweight.alotofweight.andyoulook
different.grownup.what’sbeengoingon?”shesays,all
motherhen,concernedandbossy.“ilikeyourdress.suits
you.”
you.”
“alot’shappenedsinceyouwentaway.i’lltellyou
laterwhenwe’reonourown.”iamnotreadyforthe
katherineka一vanaghinquisitionjustyet.sheregardsme
suspiciously.
“you’reokay?”sheasksgently.
“yes,”ismile,thoughi’dbehappierknowingwhere
christianis.
“cool.”
“hi,ethan.”igrinathim,andhegivesmeaquickhug.
“hi,ana,”hewhispersinmyear.
joséfrownsathim.
“howwaslunchwithmia?”iaskethan.
“interesting,”hesayscryptically.
oh?
“ethan—youknowjosé?”
“we’vemetonce,”josémutters,assessingethanas
theyshakehands.
“yeah,atkate’splaceinvancouver,”ethansays,
smilingpleasantlyatjosé.“right—who’sforadrink?”
imakemywaytotherestrooms.whilethereitext
christianourlocation;perhapshe’lljoinus.thereareno
missedcallsfromhimandnoe-mails.thisisnotlikehim.
“whassup,ana?”joséasksasicomebacktothe
table.
“ican’treachchristian.ihopehe’sokay.”
“he’llbefine.likeanotherbeer?”
“sure.”
“sure.”
kateleansacross.“ethansayssomemadstalkerexgirlfriend
wasintheapartmentwithagun?”
“well...yeah.”ishrugapologetically.ohjeez—do
weha一vetodothisnow?
“ana—whatthehell’sbeengoingon?”katestops
abruptlyandchecksherphone.
“hi,baby,”shesayswhensheanswersit.baby!she
frownsandlooksatme.“sure,”shesaysandturnstome.
“it’selliot...hewantstotalktoyou.”
“ana.”elliot’svoiceisclippedandquiet,andmyscalp
pricklesominously.
“what’swrong?”
“it’schristian.he’snotbackfromportland.”
“what?whatdoyoumean?”
“hishelicopterhasgonemissing.”
“charlietango?”iwhisperasallthebreathlea一vesmy
body.“no!”
istareattheflames,mesmerized.theydanceandwea一ve
brightblazingorangewithtipsofcobaltblueinthe
fireplaceinchristian’sapartment.anddespitetheheat
pumpingoutofthefireandtheblanketdrapedaroundmy
shoulders,i’mcold.bone-chillinglycold.
i’mawareofhushedvoices,manyhushedvoices.but
they’reinthebackground,adistantbuzz.idon’thearthe
words.allicanhear,allicanfocuson,isthesofthissof
thegasfromthefire.
mythoughtsturntothehousewesawyesterdayand
mythoughtsturntothehousewesawyesterdayand
thehugefireplaces—realfireplacesforburningwood.i’d
liketomakelovewithchristianinfrontofarealfire.i’d
liketomakelovewithchristianinfrontofthisfire.yes,
thatwouldbefun.nodoub一t,he’dthinkofsomewayto
makeitmemorablelikeallthetimeswe’vemadelove.i
snortwrylytomyself,eventhetimeswhenwewerejust
fucking.yes,thosewereprettymemorable,too.whereis
he?
theflamesshimmyandflicker,holdingmecaptive,
keepingmenumb.ifocussolelyontheirflaring,scorching
beauty.theyarebewitching.
anastasia,you’vebewitchedme.
hesaidthatthefirsttimehesleptwithmeinmybed.
ohno...
iwrapmyarmsaroundmyself,andtheworldfalls
awayfrommeandrealitybleedsintomyconsciousness.
thecreepingemptinessinsideexpandssomemore.
charlietangoismissing.
“ana.here,”mrs.jonesgentlycoaxesme,hervoice
“ana.here,”mrs.jonesgentlycoaxesme,hervoice
bringingmebackintotheroom,intothenow,intothe
anguish.shehandsmeacupoftea.itakethecupand
saucergratefully,therattlebetrayingmyshakinghands.
“thankyou,”iwhisper,myvoicehoarsefromunshed
tearsandthelargelumpinmythroat.
miasitsacrossfrommeonthelarger-than-largeushaped
couch,holdinghandswithgrace.theygazeatme,
painandanxietyetchedontheirlovelyfaces.gracelooks
older—amotherworriedforherson.iblink
dispassionatelyatthem.ican’tofferareassuringsmile,a
teareven—there’snothing,justblanknessandthegrowing
emptiness.igazeatelliot,josé,andethan,whostand
aroundthebreakfastbar,allseriousfaces,talkingquietly.
discussingsomethinginsoftsubduedvoices.behindthem,
mrs.jonesbusiesherselfinthekitchen.
kateisinthetvroom,monitoringthelocalnews.i
hearthefaintsquawkfromthebigplasmatv.ican’tbear
toseethenewsitemagain—christiangreymissing—
hisbeautifulfaceontv.
idly,itoccurstomethati’veneverseensomany
peopleinthisroom,yettheyarestilldwarfedbyitssheer
size.littleislandsoflost,anxiouspeopleinmyfifty’s
home.whatwouldhethinkaboutthembeinghere?
somewhere,taylorandcarrickaretalkingtothe
authoritieswhoaredrip-feedingusinformation,butit’sall
meaningless.thefactis—he’smissing.he’sbeenmissing
foreighthours.nosign,nowordfromhim.thesearch
hasbeencalledoff—thismuchidoknow.it’sjusttoo
dark.andwedon’tknowwhereheis.hecouldbehurt,
hungry,orworse.no!
iofferanothersilentprayertogod.pleaselet
christianbeokay.pleaseletchristianbeokay.i
repeatitoverandoverinmyhead—mymantra,my
lifeline,somethingconcretetoclingtoinmydesperation.i
refusetothinktheworst.no,don’tgothere.thereis
hope.
“you’remylifeline.”
christian’swordscomebacktohauntme.yes,there
isalwayshope.imustnotdespair.hiswordsecho
isalwayshope.imustnotdespair.hiswordsecho
throughmymind.
“i’mnowafirmadvocateofinstantgratification.
carpediem,ana.”
whydidn’tiseizetheday?
“i’mdoingthisbecausei’vefinallymetsomeonei
wanttospendtherestofmylifewith.”
iclosemyeyesinsilentprayer,rockinggently.please,
lettherestofhislifenotbethisshort.please,please.
weha一ven’thadenoughtime...weneedmoretime.
we’vedonesomuchinthelastfewweeks,comesofar.
itcan’tend.allourtendermoments:thelipstick,whenhe
madelovetomeforthefirsttimeattheolympichotel,on
hiskneesinfrontofmeofferinghimselftome,finally
touchinghim.
“iamjustthesame,ana.iloveyouandineed
you.touchme.please.”
oh,ilovehimso.iwillbenothingwithouthim,nothing
butashadow—allthelighteclipsed.no,no,no...my
poorchristian.
poorchristian.
“thisisme,ana.allofme...andi’mallyours.
whatdoiha一vetodotomakeyourealizethat?to
makeyouseethatiwantyouanywayicangetyou.
thatiloveyou.”
andiyou,myfiftyshades.
iopenmyeyesandgazeunseeingintothefireonce
more,memoriesofourtimetogetherflittingthroughmy
mind:hisboyishjoywhenweweresailingandgliding;his
sua一ve,sophisticated,hot-as-helllookatthemaskedball;
dancing,ohyes,dancinghereintheapartmenttosinatra,
whirlingroundtheroom;hisquiet,anxioushopeyesterday
atthehouse—thatstunningview.
“iwilllaymyworldatyourfeet,anastasia.iwant
you,bodyandsoul,forever.”