五十度灰(Fifty Shades of Grey)英文版 Part II 12

“i’llgoandgetethan.i’llbetwominutes,”imouthat

christianandholduptwofingers.

henods,obviouslydistractedbythecall.tayloropens

mydoor,smilingatmewarmly.igrinathim,eventaylor’s

feelingit.ipresstheentryphoneandshouthappilyintoit.

“hi,ethan,it’sme.letmein.”

thedoorbuzzes,andiheadupstairstotheapartment.

itoccurstomethatiha一venotbeenheresincesaturday

morning.thatseemssolongago.ethanhaskindlyleftthe

frontdooropen.istepintotheapartment,andidon’t

knowwhy,butifreezeinstinctivelyassoonasistep

inside.itakeamomenttorealizeit’sbecausethepale,

wanfigurestandingbythekitchenisland,holdingasmall

revolverisleila,andshe’sgazingimpassivelyatme.

holyfuck.

she’shere,gazingatmewithanunnervingblank

expression,holdingagun.mysubconsciousswoonsintoa

deadfaint,andidon’tthinkevensmellingsaltswillbring

herback.

iblinkrepeatedlyatleilaasmymindgoesinto

overdrive.howdidshegetin?where’sethan?holyshit!

whereisethan?

acreepingcoldfeargripsmyheart,andmyscalp

pricklesaseachandeveryfollicleonmyheadtightenswith

terror.whatifshe’sharmedhim?istartbreathingrapidly

asadrenalineandbone-numbingdreadcoursethroughmy

body.keepcalm,keepcalm—irepeatthemantraover

andoverinmyhead.

shetiltsherheadtooneside,regardingmeasifi’man

exhibitinafreakshow.jeez,i’mnotthefreakhere.

itfeelslikeaneonhaspassedwhileiprocessallthis,

thoughinrealityitisonlyasplitsecond.leila’sexpression

remainsblank,andherappearanceisasscruffyandillkempt

asever.she’sstillwearingthatgrubbytrenchcoat,

andshelooksdesperatelyinneedofawash.herhairis

greasyandlank,plasteredagainstherhead,andhereyes

areadullbrown,cloudy,andvaguelyconfused.

despitethefactthatmymouthhasnomoistureinit

whatsoever,iattempttospeak.“hi.leila,isn’tit?”irasp.

shesmiles,butit’sadisturbingcurlofherlipratherthana

truesmile.

“shespeaks,”shewhispers,andhervoiceissoftand

hoarseatthesametime,aneeriesound.

“yes,ispeak,”isaygentlyasiftoachild.“areyou

herealone?”whereisethan?myheartpoundsatthe

thoughtthathemightha一vecometosomeharm.

herfacefalls,somuchsothatithinkshe’saboutto

burstintotears—shelookssoforlorn.

“alone,”shewhispers.“alone.”andthedepthof

sadnessinthatonewordisheartwrenching.whatdoes

shemean?iamalone?she’salone?she’salonebecause

she’sharmedethan?oh...no...iha一vetofightthe

chokingfearclawingatmythroatastearsthreaten.

“whatareyoudoinghere?canihelpyou?”my

wordsareacalm,gentleinterrogationdespitethe

suffocatingfearinmythroat.herbrowfurrowsasifshe’s

completelybefuddledbymyquestions.butshemakesno

violentmoveagainstme.herhandisstillrelaxedaround

hergun.itakeadifferenttack,tryingtoignoremy

tighteningscalp.

“wouldyoulikesometea?”whyamiaskingherif

shewantstea?it’sray’sanswertoanyemotional

situation,resurfacinginappropriately.jeez,he’dha一veafit

ifhesawmerightthisminute.hisarmytrainingwould

ha一vekickedin,andhe’dha一vedisarmedherbynow.she’s

notactuallypointingthatgunatme.perhapsicanmove.

sheshakesherheadandtiltsitfromsidetosideasif

stretchingherneck.

itakeadeeppreciouslungfulofair,tryingtocalmmy

panickedbreathing,andmovetowardthekitchenisland.

shefrownsasifshecan’tquiteunderstandwhatiam

doingandshiftsalittlesosheisstillfacingme.ireachthe

kettleandwithashakinghandfillitfromthefaucet.asi

move,mybreathingeases.yes,ifshewantedmedead,

surelyshewouldha一veshotmebynow.shewatchesme

withanabsent,bemusedcuriosity.asiswitchonthe

kettle,i’mplaguedbythethoughtofethan.ishehurt?

tiedup?

“isthereanyoneelseintheapartment?”iask

tentatively.

sheinclinesherheadtheotherway,andwithherright

hand—thehandnotholdingtherevolver—shegrabsa

strandofherlonggreasyhairandstartstwirlingand

fiddlingwithit,pullingandtwisting.it’sobviouslya

nervoushabit,andwhileiamdistractedbythis,iam

struckonceagainbyhowmuchsheresemblesme.ihold

mybreath,waitingforheranswer,theanxietybuildingto

analmostunbearablepitch.

“alone.allalone,”shemurmurs.ifindthiscomforting.

maybeethanisn’there.thereliefisempowering.

“areyousureyoudon’twantteaorcoffee?”

“notthirsty,”sheanswerssoftly,andshetakesa

cautioussteptowardme.myfeelingofempowerment

evaporates.fuck!istartpantingwithfearagain,feelingit

surgethickandroughthroughmyveins.inspiteofthisand

feelingbeyondbra一ve,iturnandfetchacoupleofcups

fromthecupboard.

“whatdoyouha一vethatidon’t?”sheasks,hervoice

assumingthesingsongintonationofachild.

“whatdoyoumean,leila?”iaskasgentlyasican.

“master—mr.grey—heletsyoucallhimbyhisgiven

name.”

“i’mnothissubmissive,leila.er...master

understandsthatiamunable,inadequatetofulfillthat

role.”

shetiltsherheadtotheotherside.it’swholly

unnervingandunnaturalasagesture.

“in-ad-e-quate.”sheteststheword,soundingitout,

seeinghowitfeelsonhertongue.“butmasterishappy.i

ha一veseenhim.helaughsandsmiles.thesereactionsare

rare...veryrareforhim.”

oh.

“youlooklikeme.”leilachangestack,surprisingme,

hereyesseemingtofocusonmeproperlyforthefirsttime.

“masterlikesobedientoneswholooklikeyouandme.

theothers,allthesame...allthesame...andyetyou

sleepinhisbed.isawyou.”

shit!shewasintheroom.ididn’timagineit.

“yousawmeinhisbed?”iwhisper.

“ineversleptinmaster’sbed,”shemurmurs.she’s

likeafallenetherealwraith.halfaperson.shelooksso

slight,andinspiteofthefactthatshe’sholdingagun,i

suddenlyfeeloverwhelmedwithsympathyforher.her

handsflexaroundtheweapon,andmyeyeswiden,

threateningtopopfrommyhead.

“whydoesmasterlikeuslikethis?itmakesmethink

something...something...masterisdark...masteris

adarkman,butilovehim.”

no,no,he’snot.ibristleinternally.he’snotdark.

he’sagoodman,andhe’snotinthedark.he’sjoined

meinthelight.andnowshe’shere,tryingtodraghim

backwithsomewarpedideathatsheloveshim.

“leila,doyouwanttogivemethegun?”iasksoftly.

herhandgripsittightly,andshehugsittoherchest.

“thisismine.it’salliha一veleft.”shegentlycaresses

thegun.“soshecanjoinherlove.”

holyshit!whichlove—christian?it’slikeshe’s

punchedmeinthestomach.iknowhewillbehere

momentarilytofindoutwhat’skeepingme.doesshe

meantoshoothim?thethoughtissohorrific,ifeelmy

throatswellandacheasahugeknotformsthere,almost

chokingme,matchingthefearthat’sballedtightlyinmy

stomach.

rightoncuethedoorburstsopen,andchristianis

standinginthedoorway,taylorbehindhim.

glancingatmebriefly,christian’seyessweepoverme

fromheadtotoe,andinoticethesmallsparkofreliefin

hislook.buthisreliefisfleetingashisgazedartstoleila

andstills,focusingonher,notwa一veringintheslightest.he

glaresatherwithanintensityiha一venotseenbefore,his

eyeswild,wide,angry,andscared.

ohno...ohno.

leila’seyeswiden,andforamoment,itseemsher

reasonreturns.sheblinksrapidlywhileherhandtightens

oncemorearoundthegun.

mybreathcatchesinmythroat,andmyheartstarts

thumpingsoloudthatihearthebloodpoundinginmy

ears.no,no,no!

myworldteetersprecariouslyinthehandsofthis

poor,fucked-upwoman.willsheshoot?bothofus?

christian?thethoughtiscrippling.

butafteraneternity,astimehangssuspendedaround

us,herheaddipsslightlyandshegazesupathim,through

herlonglashes,herexpressioncontrite.

christianholdsuphishand,signalingtotaylortostay

whereheis.taylor’sblanchedfacebetrayshisfury.iha一ve

neverseenhimlikethis,buthestandsstock-stillas

christianandleilastareateachother.

irealizei’mholdingmybreath.whatwillshedo?

whatwillhedo?buttheyjustcontinuetostareateach

other.christian’sexpressionisraw,fullofsomeunnamed

emotion.itcouldbepity,fear,affection...orisitlove?

no,please,notlove!

hiseyesboreintoher,andagonizinglyslowly,the

atmosphereintheapartmentchanges.thetensionis

buildingsothaticansensetheirconnection,thecharge

betweenthem.

no!suddenlyifeeli’mtheinterloper,intrudingon

themastheystandgazingateachother.i’manoutsider—

avoyeur,spyingonaforbidden,intimatescenebehind

closedcurtains.

christian’sintensegazeburnsbrighter,andhisbearing

changessub一tly.helookstaller,moreangularsomehow,

colder,andmoredistant.irecognizethisstance.i’veseen

himlikethisbefore—inhisplayroom.

myscalppricklesanew.thisisdominantchristian,

andhowateasehelooks.whetherhewasborntoor

madeforthisrole,ijustdon’tknow,butwithasinking

heartandsickenedstomach,iwatchasleilaresponds,

herlipsparting,herbreathingpickingupasthefirstflushof

colorstainshercheeks.no!it’ssuchanunwelcome

glimpseintohispast,agonizingtowitness.

finally,hemouthsawordather.ican’tmakeout

whatitis,buttheeffectonleilaisimmediate.shedrops

totheflooronherknees,herheadbowed,andthegun

fallsandskittersuselesslyacrossthewoodenfloor.holy

fuck.

christianwalkscalmlyovertowherethegunhasfallen

andbendsgracefullytopickitup.heregardsitwithilldisguised

disgustthenslipsitintohisjacketpocket.he

gazesoncemoreatleilaasshekneelscompliantlybeside

thekitchenisland.

“anastasia,gowithtaylor,”hecommands.taylor

crossesthethresholdandstaresatme.

“ethan,”iwhisper.

“downstairs.”herespondsmatter-of-factly,hiseyes

neverlea一vingleila.

downstairs.nothere.ethan’sokay.relieffloodshard

andfastthroughmyblood,andforamomentithinki’m

goingtofaint.

“anastasia,”christian’stoneisclippedinwarning.

iblinkathim,andi’msuddenlyunabletomove.i

don’twanttolea一vehim—lea一vehimwithher.hemovesto

standbesideleilaasshekneelsathisfeet.he’shovering

overher,protectively.she’ssostill,it’sunnatural.ican’t

takemyeyesoffthetwoofthem—together...

“fortheloveofgod,anastasia,willyoudoasyou’re

toldforonceinyourlifeandgo!”christian’seyeslock

withmineasheglowersatme,hisvoiceablisteringcold

shardofice.theangerbeneaththequiet,deliberate

deliveryofhiswordsispalpable.

angryatme?surelynot.please—no!ifeellikehe’s

slappedmehard.whydoeshewanttostaywithher?

“taylor.takemisssteeledownstairs.now.”

taylornodsathimasistareatchristian.

“why?”iwhisper.

“go.backtotheapartment.”hiseyesblazefrostilyat

me.“ineedtobealonewithleila.”hesaysiturgently.

ithinkhe’stryingtoconveysomekindofmessage,but

i’msothrownbyallthat’shappenedthati’mnotsure.i

glancedownatleilaandnoticeaverysmallsmilecross

herlips,butotherwisesheremainstrulyimpassive.a

completesubmissive.fuck!myheartchills.

thisiswhatheneeds.thisiswhathelikes.no!iwant

towail.

“misssteele.ana.”taylorholdshishandouttome,

imploringmetocome.iamimmobilizedbythehorrific

spectaclebeforeme.itconfirmsmyworstfearsandplays

onallmyinsecurities:christianandleilatogether—the

domandhissub.

“taylor,”christianurges,andtaylorleansdownand

scoopsmeintohisarms.thelastthingiseeaswelea一veis

christiangentlystrokingleila’sheadashemurmurs

somethingsoftlytoher.

no!

astaylorcarriesmedownthestairs,ilielimplyinhis

armstryingtograspwhat’shappenedinthelastten

minutes—wasitlonger?orshorter?theconceptoftime

hasdesertedme.

christianandleila,leilaandchristian...together?

whatishedoingwithhernow?

“jesus,ana!whatthefuckisgoingon?”

iamrelievedtoseeethanashepacesthesmalllobby,

stillcarryinghislargeshoulderbag.oh,thankhea一vens

he’sokay!whentaylorsetsmedown,ipracticallythrow

myselfatethan,wrappingmyarmsaroundhisneck.

“ethan.oh,thankgod!”ihughim,holdinghimclose.

iwassoworried,andforabriefmoment,ienjoysome

respitefrommyrisingpanicatwhatisunfoldingupstairsin

myapartment.

“whatthefuckisgoingon,ana?who’sthisguy?”

“oh,sorry,ethan,thisistaylor.heworkswith

christian.taylor,thisisethan,myroommate’sbrother.”

theynodateachother.

“ana,upstairs,what’sgoingon?iwasfishingforthe

apartmentkeyswhentheseguysjumpedoutofnowhere

andgrabbedthem.oneofthemwaschristian...”

ethan’svoicetrailsoff.

“youwerelate...thankgod.”

“yeah.imetafriendfrompullman—wehadaquick

drink.upstairs,what’sgoingon?”

“there’sagirl,anexofchristian’s.inourapartment.

she’sgonepostal,andchristianis...”myvoicecracks,

andtearspoolinmyeyes.

“hey,”ethanwhispersandpullsmecloseoncemore.

“hasanyonecalledthecops?”

“no,it’snotlikethat.”isobintohischestandnow

i’vestarted,ican’tstopcrying,thetensionofthislatest

episodereleasingthroughmytears.ethantightenshisarms

aroundme,butisensehisbemusement.

“hey,ana,let’sgogetadrink.”hepatsmyback

awkwardly.abruptly,ifeelawkward,too,and

embarrassed,andinallhonesty,iwanttobeonmyown.

butinod,acceptinghisoffer.iwanttobeawayfrom

here,awayfromwhatever’sgoingonupstairs.

iturntotaylor.

“wastheapartmentchecked?”iaskhimtearfully,

wipingmynosewiththebackofmyhand.

“thisafternoon.”taylorshrugsapologeticallyashe

handsmeahandkerchief.helooksdevastated.“i’m

sorry,ana,”hemurmurs.

ifrown.jeez,helookssoguilty.idon’twanttomake

himfeelworse.

“shedoesseemtoha一veanuncannyabilitytoevade

us,”headdsscowlingagain.

“ethanandiwillgoforaquickdrinkthenheadback

toescala.”idrymyeyes.

taylorshufflesfromfoottofootuncomfortably.“mr.

greywantedyoutogobacktotheapartment,”hesays

quietly.

“well,weknowwhereleilaisnow.”ican’tkeepthe

bitternessoutofmyvoice.“so,noneedforallthe

security.tellchristianwe’llseehimlater.”

tayloropenshismouthtospeakandthenwisely

closesitagain.

“doyouwanttolea一veyourbagwithtaylor?”iask

ethan.

“no,i’llkeepitwithme,thanks.”

ethannodsattaylor,thenushersmeoutofthefront

door.toolate,irememberthati’veleftmypurseinthe

backofaudi.iha一venothing.

“mypurse—”

“don’tworry,”ethanmurmurs,hisfacefullofconcern.

“it’scool,it’sonme.”

wechooseabaracrossthestreet,settlingontowooden

barstoolsbythewindow.iwanttoseewhat’sgoingon—

who’scoming,andmoreimportantlywho’sgoing.ethan

handsmeabottleofbeer.

“troublewithanex?”hesaysgently.

“it’sabitmorecomplicatedthanthat,”imutter,

abruptlyguarded.ican’ttalkaboutthis—iha一vesignedan

nda.andforthefirsttime,ireallyresentthatfactand

thatchristian’ssaidnothingaboutrescindingit.

“i’vegottime,”ethansayskindlyandtakesalongslug

ofhisbeer.

“she’sanex,fromyearsback.sheleftherhusband

forsomeguy.thenacoupleofweeksorsoagohewas

killedinacarcrash,andnowshe’scomeafterchristian.”

ishrug.there,thatdidn’tgivetoomuchaway.

“comeafterhim?”

“shehadagun.”

“whatthefuck!”

“shedidn’tactuallythreatenanyonewithit.ithinkshe

meanttoharmherself.butthat’swhyiwassoworried

aboutyou.ididn’tknowifyouwereintheapartment.”

“isee.shesoundsunstable.”

“yes,sheis.”

“andwhat’schristiandoingwithhernow?”

theblooddrainsfrommyfaceandbilerisesinmy

throat.“idon’tknow,”iwhisper.

ethan’seyeswiden—atlasthe’sgotit.

thisisthecruxofmyproblem.whatthefuckarethey

doing?talking,ihope.justtalking.yetallicanseeinmy

mind’seyeishishand,tenderlystrokingherhair.

she’sdisturbedandchristiancaresabouther,

that’sallthisis,irationalize.butinthebackofmymind,

mysubconsciousisshakingherheadsadly.

it’smorethanthat.leilawasabletofulfillhisneedsin

awayicannot.thethoughtisdepressing.

itrytofocusonallwe’vedoneinthelastfewdays—

hisdeclarationoflove,hisflirtyhumor,hisplayfulness.but

elena’swordskeepcomingbacktotauntme.it’strue

whattheysayaboutea一vesdroppers.

don’tyoumissit...yourplayroom?

ifinishmybeerinrecordtime,andethanlinesup

another.iamnotmuchofacompanion,buttohiscredit

hestayswithme,chatting,tryingtoliftmyspirits,talking

aboutbarbados,andkateandelliot’santics,whichis

wonderfullydistracting.butit’sjustthat—adistraction.

mymind,myheart,mysoulareallstillinthat

apartmentwithmyfiftyshadesandthewomanwhoused

tobehissubmissive.awomanwhothinksshestillloves

him.awomanwholookslikeme.

duringourthirdbeer,alargecruiserwithhea一vily-tinted

windowspullsupnexttotheaudiinfrontofthe

apartment.irecognizedr.flynnasheclimbsout,

accompaniedbyawomandressedinwhatlooklikepale

bluescrubs.iglimpsetaylorasheletstheminthroughthe

frontdoor.

“who’sthat?”ethanasks.

“hisname’sdr.flynn.christianknowshim.”

“whatkindofdoctor?”

“ashrink.”

“oh.”

webothwatch,andafewminuteslatertheyareback.

christianiscarryingleilawhoiswrappedinablanket.

what?iwatchhorrifiedastheyallclimbintothecruiser,

anditspeedsaway.

ethanglancesatmesympathetically,andifeel

desolate,completelydesolate.

“caniha一vesomethingabitstronger?”iaskethan,my

voicesmall.

“sure.whatwouldyoulike?”

“abrandy.please.”

ethannodsandretreatstothebar.igazethroughthe

windowatthefrontdoor.momentslatertayloremerges,

climbsintotheaudi,andheadsofftowardescala...after

christian?idon’tknow.

ethanplacesalargebrandyinfrontofme.

“comeon,steele.let’sgetdrunk.”

soundslikethebestofferi’vehadinawhile.weclink

glasses,anditakeagulpoftheburningamberliquid,the

fieryheatawelcomedistractionfromthehideous

blossomingpaininmyheart.

it’slate,andifeelfuzzy.ethanandiarelockedoutofthe

apartment.heinsistsonwalkingmebacktoescala,but

hewon’tstay.he’scalledthefriendhemetearlierfora

drinkandarrangedtocrashwithhim.

“so,thisiswherethemogullives.”ethanwhistles

throughhisteeth,impressed.

inod.

“sureyoudon’twantmetocomeinwithyou?”he

asks.

“no,ineedtofacethis—orjustgotobed.”

“seeyoutomorrow?”

“yes.thanks,ethan.”ihughim.

“you’llworkitout,steele,”hemurmursagainstmy

ear.hereleasesmeandwatcheswhileiheadintothe

building.

“laters,”hecalls.iofferhimaweaksmileandawa一ve

thenpressthebuttontocalltheelevator.

theelevatordoorsopen,andistepintochristian’s

apartment.taylorisnotwaiting,whichisunusual.opening

thedoubledoors,iheadtowardthegreatroom.christian

isonthephone,pacingtheroomnearthepiano.

“she’shere,”hesnaps.heturnstoglareatmeashe

switchesoffhisphone.“wherethefuckha一veyoubeen?”

hegrowlsbutdoesn’tmakeamovetowardme.

holycrap,he’sangrywithme?he’stheonethatjust

spentgodknowshowlongwithhisloonyex-girlfriend,

andhe’sangrywithme?

“ha一veyoubeendrinking?”heasks,appalled.

“abit.”ididn’tthinkitwasthatobvious.

hegaspsandrunshishandthroughhishair.“itoldyou

tocomebackhere.”hisvoiceismenacinglyquiet.“it’s

nowfifteenafterten.i’vebeenworriedaboutyou.”

“iwentforadrinkorthreewithethanwhileyou

attendedtoyourex,”ihissathim.“ididn’tknowhow

longyouweregoingtobe...withher.”

henarrowshiseyesandtakesafewpacestowardme

butstops.

“whydoyousayitthatlikethat?”

ishrugandstaredownatmyfingers.

“ana,what’swrong?”andforthefirsttime,ihear

somethingotherthanangerinhisvoice.what?fear?

iswallow,tryingtoworkoutwhatiwanttosay.

“where’sleila?”iasklookingupathim.

“inapsychiatrichospitalinfremont,”hesays,andhis

faceisscrutinizingmine.“ana,whatisit?”hemoves

towardmeuntilhe’sstandingrightinfrontofme.“what’s

wrong?”hebreathes.

ishakemyhead.“i’mnogoodforyou.”

“what?”hebreathes,hiseyeswideninginalarm.“why

doyouthinkthat?howcanyoupossiblythinkthat?”

“ican’tbeeverythingyouneed.”

“youareeverythingineed.

“justseeingyouwithher...”myvoicetrailsoff.

“whydoyoudothistome?thisisnotaboutyou,

ana.it’sabouther.”hetakesasharpbreath,runninghis

handthroughhishairagain.“atthemomentshe’savery

sickgirl.”

“butifeltit...whatyouhadtogether.”

“what?no.”hereachesforme,andistepback

instinctively.hedropshishand,blinkingatme.helooks

asthoughhe’sseizedwithpanic.

“you’rerunning?”hewhispersashiseyeswidenwith

fear.

isaynothingasitrytocollectmyscatteredthoughts.

“youcan’t,”hepleads.

“christian...i—”istruggletocollectmythoughts.

whatamitryingtosay?ineedtime,timetoprocessthis.

givemetime.

“no.no!”hesays.

“i...”

helookswildlyaroundtheroom.forinspiration?for

divineintervention?idon’tknow.

“youcan’tgo.ana,iloveyou!”

“iloveyou,too,christian,it’sjust—”

“no...no!”hesaysindesperationandputsboth

handsonhishead.

“christian...”

“no,”hebreathes,hiseyeswidewithpanic,and

suddenlyhedropstohiskneesinfrontofme,head

bowed,long-fingeredhandsspreadoutonhisthighs.he

takesadeepbreathanddoesn’tmove.

what?“christian,whatareyoudoing?”

hecontinuestostaredown,notlookingatme.

“christian!whatareyoudoing?”myvoiceishighpitched.

hedoesn’tmove.“christian,lookatme!”i

commandinpanic.

hisheadsweepsupwithouthesitation,andheregards

mepassivelywithhiscoolgraygaze—he’salmost

serene...expectant.