五十度灰(Fifty Shades of Grey)英文版 Part II 11

andelenalaughs,butthere’sasadtonetoherlaugh.

“iknow.i’msorry.youknowicareaboutyou.i

neverthoughtyou’dendupfallinginlove,christian.it’s

verygratifyingtosee.buticouldn’tbearitifshehurt

you.”

“i’lltakemychances,”hesaysdryly.“nowareyou

sureyoudon’twantwelchtosniffaround?”

shesighshea一vily.“isupposeitwouldn’tdoanyharm.”

“okay.i’llcallhiminthemorning.”

ilistentothembickering,tryingtofigurethisout.they

dosoundlikeoldfriends,aschristiansays.justfriends.

andshecaresabouthim—maybetoomuch.well,who

wouldn’t,iftheyknewhim?

“thankyou,christian.andiamsorry.ididn’tmean

tointrude.i’llgo.nexttimei’llcall.”

“good.”

she’sgoing!shit!iscamperupthehallwayto

christian’sbedroomandsitdownonthebed.christian

entersafewmomentslater.

“she’sgone,”hesayswarily,gaugingmyreaction.

igazeupathim,tryingtoframemyquestion.“willyou

tellmeallabouther?iamtryingtounderstandwhyyou

thinkshehelpedyou.”ipause,thinkingcarefullyaboutmy

nextsentence.“iloatheher,christian.ithinkshedidyou

untolddamage.youha一venofriends.didshekeepthem

awayfromyou?”

hesighsandrunshishandthroughhishair.

“whythefuckdoyouwanttoknowabouther?we

hadaverylong-standingaffair,shebeattheshitoutofme

often,andifuckedherinallsortsofwaysyoucan’teven

imagine,endofstory.”

ipale.shit,he’sangry—withme.iblinkathim.“why

areyousoangry?”

“becauseallofthatshitisover!”heshouts,glowering

atme.hesighsinexasperationandshakeshishead.

iblanch.shit.ilookdownatmyhands,knottedinmy

lap.ijustwanttounderstand.

hesitsdownbesideme.“whatdoyouwantto

know?”heaskswearily.

“youdon’tha一vetotellme.idon’tmeantointrude.”

“anastasia,it’snotthat.idon’tliketalkingaboutthis

shit.i’velivedinabubbleforyearswithnothingaffecting

meandnotha一vingtojustifymyselftoanyone.she’s

alwaysbeenthereasaconfidante.andnowmypastand

myfuturearecollidinginawayineverthoughtpossible.”

iglanceathimandhe’sstaringatme,hiseyeswide.

“ineverthoughtihadafuturewithanyone,anastasia.

yougivemehopeandha一vemethinkingaboutallsortsof

possibilities.”hedriftsoff.

“iwaslistening,”iwhisperandstarebackdownatmy

hands.

“what?toourconversation?”

“yes.”

“well?”hesoundsresigned.

“shecaresforyou.”

“yes,shedoes.andiforherinmyownway,butit

doesn’tcomeclosetohowifeelaboutyou.ifthat’swhat

thisisabout.”

“i’mnotjealous.”i’mwoundedthathewouldthink

that—orami?shit.maybethat’swhatthisis.“youdon’t

loveher,”imurmur.

hesighsagain.hereallyispissed.“alongtimeago,i

thoughtilovedher,”hesaysthroughgrittedteeth.

oh.“whenwewereingeorgia...yousaidyou

didn’tloveher.”

“that’sright.”

ifrown.

“ilovedyouthen,anastasia,”hewhispers.“you’re

theonlypersoni’dflythreethousandmilestosee.”

ohmy.idon’tunderstand.hestillwantedmeasa

subthen.myfrowndeepens.

“thefeelingsiha一veforyouareverydifferentfromany

ieverhadforelena,”hesaysbywayofexplanation.

“whendidyouknow?”

heshrugs.“ironically,itwaselenawhopointeditout

tome.sheencouragedmetogotogeorgia.”

iknewit!iknewitinsa一vannah.igazeathim,

blankly.

whatdoimakeofthis?maybesheisonmysideand

justworriedthati’llhurthim.thethoughtispainful.i

wouldneverwanttohurthim.she’sright—he’sbeenhurt

enough.

perhapsshe’snotsobad.ishakemyhead.idon’t

wanttoaccepthisrelationshipwithher.idisapprove.yes,

that’swhatthisis.she’sanunsa一vorycharacterwho

preyedonavulnerableadolescent,robbinghimofhis

teenageyears,nomatterwhathesays.

“soyoudesiredher?whenyouwereyounger.”

“yes.”

oh.

“shetaughtmeagreatdeal.shetaughtmetobelieve

inmyself.”

oh.“butshealsobeattheshitoutofyou.”

hesmilesfondly.“yes,shedid.”

“andyoulikedthat?”

“atthetimeidid.”

“somuchthatyouwantedtodoittoothers?”

hiseyesgrowwideandserious.“yes.”

“didshehelpyouwiththat?”

“yes.”

“didshesubforyou?”

“yes.”

holyfuck.“doyouexpectmetolikeher?”myvoice

soundsbrittleandbitter.

“no.thoughitwouldmakemylifeahellofalot

easier,”hesayswearily.“idounderstandyourreticence.”

“reticence!jeez,christian—ifthatwereyourson,

howwouldyoufeel?”

heblinksatmeasthoughhedoesn’tcomprehendthe

question.hefrowns.“ididn’tha一vetostaywithher.itwas

mychoice,too,anastasia,”hemurmurs.

thisisgettingmenowhere.

“who’slinc?”

“herex-husband.”

“lincolntimber?”

“theverysame,”hesmirks.

“andisaac?”

“hercurrentsubmissive.”

ohno.

“he’sinhismid-twenties,anastasia.youknow—a

consentingadult,”headdsquickly,correctlydeciphering

mylookofdisgust.

iflush.“yourage,”imutter.

“look,anastasia,asisaidtoher,she’spartofmy

past.youaremyfuture.don’tlethercomebetweenus,

please.andquitefrankly,i’mreallyboredofthissubject.

i’mgoingtodosomework.”hestandsandgazesdown

atme.“letitgo.please.”

istaremulishlyupathim.

“oh,ialmostforgot,”headds.“yourcararriveda

dayearly.it’sinthegarage.taylorhasthekey.”

whoa...thesaab?“canidriveittomorrow?”

“no.”

“whynot?”

“youknowwhynot.andthatremindsme.ifyouare

goingtolea一veyouroffice,letmeknow.sawyerwasthere,

watchingyou.itseemsican’ttrustyoutolookafter

yourselfatall.”hescowlsdownatme,makingmefeel

likeanerrantchild—again.andiwouldarguewithhim,

buthe’sprettyworkedupoverelena,andidon’twantto

pushhimanyfurther,butican’tresistonecomment.

“seemsican’ttrustyoueither,”imutter.“youcould

ha一vetoldmesawyerwaswatchingme.”

“doyouwanttofightaboutthat,too?”hesnaps.

“iwasn’tawarewewerefighting.ithoughtwewere

communicating,”imumblepetulantly.

hecloseshiseyesbrieflyashestrugglestocontainhis

temper.iswallowandwatchanxiously.jeez,thiscouldgo

eitherway.

“iha一vetowork,”hesaysquietly,andwiththat,he

lea一vestheroom.

iexhale.ihadn’trealizedi’dbeenholdingmybreath.i

flopbackontothebed,staringattheceiling.

canweeverha一veanormalconversationwithoutit

disintegratingintoanargument?it’sexhausting.

wejustdon’tknoweachotherthatwell.doireally

wanttomoveinwithhim?idon’tevenknowifishould

makehimacupofteaorcoffeewhilehe’sworking.

shouldidisturbhimatall?iha一venoideaofhislikesand

dislikes.

evidentlyhe’sboredwiththewholeelenathing—he’s

right,ineedtomoveon.letitgo.well,atleasthe’snot

expectingmetobefriendswithher,andihopethatshe’ll

nowstophasslingmeforameeting.

igetoffthebedandwandertothewindow.unlocking

thebalconydoor,iopenitandstrollovertotheglass

railing.itstransparencyisunnerving.theair’schillyand

fresh,asi’mupsohigh.

igazeoutoverthetwinklinglightsofseattle.he’sso

farremovedfromeverythinguphereinhisfortress.

answerabletonoone.he’djusttoldmehelovesme,

thenallthiscrapcomesupbecauseofthatdreadful

woman.irollmyeyes.hislifeissocomplicated.he’sso

complicated.

withahea一vysighandalastglanceatseattlespread

likeclothsofgoldatmyfeet,idecidetocallray.i

ha一ven’tspokentohimforawhile.it’sabriefconversation

asperusual,butiascertainhe’sfineandthati’m

interruptinganimportantsoccermatch.

“hopealliswellwithchristian,”hesayscasually,and

iknowhe’sfishingforinformationbutdoesn’treallywant

toknow.

“yeah.we’recool.”sortof,andi’mmovinginwith

him.thoughweha一ven’tdiscussedatimetable.

“loveyou,dad.”

“loveyou,too,annie.”

ihangupandcheckmywatch.it’sonlyten.because

ofourdiscussion,iamfeelingstrangelyinnervatedand

restless.

ishowerquickly,andbackinthebedroom,decideto

wearoneofthenightdressesthatcarolineactonprocured

formefromneimanmarcus.christian’salwaysmoaning

aboutmyt-shirts.therearethree.ichoosethepalepink

andputitonovermyhead.thefabricskimsacrossmy

skin,caressingandclingingtomeasitfallsaroundmy

body.itfeelsluxurious—thefinest,thinnestsatin.holy

crap.inthemirror,ilooklikea1930smoviestar.it’s

long,elegant—andveryun-me.

igrabthematchingrobeanddecidetohuntouta

bookinthelibrary.icouldreadonmyipad—butright

now,iwantthecomfortandreassuranceofaphysical

book.i’lllea一vechristianalone.perhapshe’llrecoverhis

goodhumoroncehe’sfinishedworking.

therearesomanybooksinchristian’slibrary.

scanningeverytitlewilltakeforever.iglanceoccasionally

atthebilliardtableandflushasirecallourprevious

evening.ismilewheniseethattherulerisstillonthefloor.

pickingitup,iswatmypalm.ow!itstings.

whycan’titakealittlemorepainformyman?

disconsolately,iplaceitonthedeskandcontinuemyhunt

foragoodread.

mostofthebooksarefirsteditions.howcanheha一ve

amassedacollectionlikethisinsuchashorttime?perhaps

taylor’sjobdescriptionincludesbookbuying.isettleon

rebeccabydaphnedumaurier.iha一ven’treadthisfora

longtime.ismileasicurlupinoneoftheoverstuffed

armchairsandreadthefirstline:

lastnightidreamtiwenttomanderleyagain...

iamjostledawakeaschristianliftsmeinhisarms.

“hey,”hemurmurs,“youfellasleep.icouldn’tfind

you.”henuzzlesmyhair.sleepily,iputmyarmsaround

hisneckandbreatheinhisscent—oh,hesmellssogood

—ashecarriesmebacktothebedroom.helaysme

downonthebedandcoversme.

“sleep,baby,”hewhispersandhepresseshislips

againstmyforehead.

iwakesuddenlyfromadisturbingdreamandam

momentarilydisorientated.ifindmyselfanxiouslychecking

theendofthebed,butthere’snoonethere.driftingfrom

thegreatroom,ihearthefaintstrainsofacomplex

melodyfromthepiano.

whattimeisit?icheckthealarmclock—twointhe

morning.haschristiancometosleepatall?idisentangle

mylegsfrommyrobe,whichi’mstillwearing,and

clamberoutofbed.

inthegreatroom,istandintheshadows,listening.

christianislosttothemusic.helookssafeandsecurein

hisbubbleoflight.andthetuneheplayshasalilting

melody,partsofwhichsoundfamiliar,butsoelaborate.

jeez,he’sgood.whydoesthisalwaystakemeby

surprise?

thewholescenelooksdifferentsomehow,andi

realizethatthepianolidisdown,givingmeanunhindered

view.heglancesupandoureyeslock,hisgrayandsoftly

luminousinthediffuseglowofthelamp.hecontinuesto

play,notfalteringatall,asimakemywayovertohim.his

eyesfollowme,drinkingmein,burningbrighter.asi

reachhim,hestops.

“whydidyoustop?thatwaslovely.”

“doyouha一veanyideahowdesirableyoulookatthe

moment?”hesays,hisvoicesoft.

oh.“cometobed,”iwhisperandhiseyesheatashe

holdsouthishand.whenitakeit,hetugsunexpectedlyso

ifallintohislap.hewrapshisarmsaroundmeand

nuzzlesmyneckbehindmyear,sendingshiversdownmy

spine.

“whydowefight?”hewhispers,ashisteethgrazemy

earlobe.

holycow.myheartskipsabeat,thenstartspounding,

coursingheatthroughoutmybody.

“becausewe’regettingtoknoweachother,and

you’restubbornandcantankerousandmoodyand

difficult,”imurmurbreathlessly,shiftingmyheadtogive

himbetteraccesstomythroat.herunshisnosedownmy

neck,andifeelhissmile.

“i’mallthosethings,misssteele.it’sawonderyou

putupwithme.”henipsmyearlobeandimoan.“isit

alwayslikethis?”hesighs.

“iha一venoidea.”

“meneither.”heyanksthesashofmyrobesoitfalls

open,andhishandskimsdownmybody,overmybreast.

mynippleshardenbeneathhisgentletouchandstrain

againstthesatin.hecontinuesdowntomywaist,downto

myhip.

“youfeelsofineunderthismaterial,andicansee

everything—eventhis.”hetugsgentlyonmypubichair

throughthefabric,makingmegasp,whilehisotherhand

fistsinmyhairatmynape.pullingmyheadback,hekisses

me,histongueurgent,relentless,needy.imoanin

responseandcaresshisdear,dearface.hishandgently

pullsmynightdressup,slowly,tantalizinglyuntilhe’s

fondlingmynakedbehindandthenrunninghisthumbnail

downtheinsideofmythigh.

suddenlyherises,startlingme,andheliftsmebodily

ontothepiano.myfeetrestonthekeys,sounding

discordant,disjointednotes,andhishandsskimupmy

legsandpartmyknees.hegrabsmyhands.

“lieback,”heorders,holdingmyhandswhileisink

backontopofthepiano.thelidishardand

uncompromisingagainstmyback.heletsgoandpushes

mylegsopenwider,myfeetdancingoverthekeys,over

thelowerandhighernotes.

ohboy.iknowwhathe’sgoingtodo,andthe

anticipation...igroanloudlyashekissestheinsideofmy

knee,thenkissesandsucksandnipshiswayhigherupmy

legtomythigh.thesoftsatinofmynightgownriseshigher,

skimmingovermysensitizedskin,ashepushesthefabric.

iflexmyfeetandthechordssoundagain.closingmy

eyes,isurrendermyselftohimashismouthreachesthe

apexofmythighs.

hekissesme...there...ohboy...thengently

blowsbeforehistonguecirclesmyclitoris.hepushesmy

legswider.ifeelsoopen—soexposed.heholdsmein

place,hishandsjustabovemykneesashistonguetortures

me,givingnoquarter,norespite...noreprieve.tilting

myhipsup,meetingandmatchinghisrhythm,iam

consumed.

“oh,christian,please.”imoan.

“ohno,baby,notyet,”heteases,butifeelmyself

quickenasdoeshe,andhestops.

“no,”iwhimper.

“thisismyrevenge,ana,”hegrowlssoftly.“argue

withme,andiamgoingtotakeitoutonyourbody

somehow.”hetrailskissesalongmybelly,hishands

tra一velingupmythighs,stroking,kneading,tantalizing.his

tonguecirclesmyna一velashishands—andhisthumbs...

ohhisthumbs—reachthesummitofmythighs.

“ah!”icryoutashepushesoneinsideme.theother

persecutesme,slowly,agonizingly,circlingroundand

round.mybackarchesoffthepianoasiwrithebeneath

histouch.it’salmostunbearable.

“christian!”icry,spiralingoutofcontrolwithneed.

hetakespityonmeandstops.liftingmyfeetoffthe

keys,hepushesme;andsuddenly,i’mslidingeffortlessly

upthepiano,glidingonsatin,andhe’sfollowingmeup

there,brieflykneelingbetweenmylegstorollona

condom.hehoversovermeandi’mpanting,gazingupat

himwithragingneed,andirealizehe’snaked.whendid

hetakeoffhisclothes?

hestaresdownatme,andthere’swonderinhiseyes,

wonderandloveandpassion,andit’sbreathtaking.

“iwantyousobadly,”hesaysandveryslowly,

exquisitely,hesinksintome.

iamsprawledontopofhim,wrungout,mylimbshea一vy

andlanguid,aswelieontopofhisgrandpiano.ohmy.

he’smuchmorecomfortabletolieonthanthepiano.

carefulnottotouchhischest,irestmycheekagainsthim

andkeepperfectlystill.hedoesn’tobject,andilistento

hisbreathingasitslowslikemine.gentlyhestrokesmy

hair.

“doyoudrinkteaorcoffeeintheevening?”iask

sleepily.

“whatastrangequestion,”hesaysdreamily.

“ithoughticouldbringyouteainyourstudy,andthen

irealizedididn’tknowwhatyouwouldlike.”

“oh,isee.waterorwineintheevening,ana.though

maybeishouldtrytea.”

hishandmovesrhythmicallydownmyback,stroking

metenderly.

“wereallyknowverylittleabouteachother,”i

murmur.

“iknow,”hesays,andhisvoiceismournful.isitupto

gazeathim.

“whatisit?”iask.heshakeshisheadasiftorid

himselfofsomeunpleasantthought,andraisinghishand,

hecaressesmycheek,hiseyesbrightandearnest.

“iloveyou,anasteele,”hesays.

thealarmblastsonwiththesixamtrafficnews,andiam

rudelyawakenedfrommydisturbingdreamofover-blond

anddark-hairedwomen.ican’tgraspwhatit’sabout,and

i’mimmediatelydistractedbecausechristiangreyis

wrappedaroundmelikesilk,hisunruly-hairedheadonmy

chest,hishandonmybreast,hislegoverme,holdingme

down.he’sstillasleep,andiamtoowarm.butiignore

mydiscomfort,tentativelyreachinguptorunmyfingers

gentlythroughhishair,andhestirs.raisingbrightgray

eyes,hegrinssleepily.holycow...he’sadorable.

“goodmorning,beautiful,”hesays.

“goodmorning,beautifulyourself.”ismilebackat

him.hekissesme,disentangleshimself,andleansupon

hiselbow,staringdownatme.

“sleepokay?”heasks.

“yes,despitetheinterruptiontomysleeplastnight.”

hisgrinbroadens.“hmm.youcaninterruptmelike

thatanytime.”hekissesmeagain.

“howaboutyou?didyousleepwell?”

“ialwayssleepwellwithyou,anastasia.”

“nomorenightmares?”

“no.”

ifrownandchanceaquestion.“whatareyour

nightmaresabout?”

hisbrowcreasesandhisgrinfades.shit—mystupid

curiosity.

“they’reflashbacksofmyearlychildhood,orsodr.

flynnsays.somevivid,somelessso.”hisvoicedrops

andadistant,harrowedlookcrosseshisface.

absentmindedly,hebeginstotracemycollarbonewithhis

finger,distractingme.

“doyouwakeupcryingandscreaming?”itryinvain

tojoke.

helooksatme,puzzled.“no,anastasia.i’venever

cried.asfarasicanremember.”hefrowns,asif

reachingintothedepthsofhismemories.ohno—that’s

toodarkaplacetogoatthishour,surely.

“doyouha一veanyhappymemoriesofyour

childhood?”iaskquickly,mainlytodistracthim.helooks

pensiveforamoment,stillrunninghisfingeralongmyskin.

“irecallthecrackwhorebaking.irememberthesmell.

abirthdaycakeithink.forme.andthenthere’smia’s

arrivalwithmymomanddad.mymomwasworried

aboutmyreaction,butiadoredbabymiaimmediately.

myfirstwordwasmia.iremembermyfirstpianolesson.

misskathie,mytutor,wasawesome.shekepthorses,

too.”hesmileswistfully.

“yousaidyourmomsa一vedyou.how?”

hisreverieisbroken,andhegazesatmeasifidon’t

understandtheelementarymathoftwoplustwo.

“sheadoptedme,”hesayssimply.“ithoughtshewas

anangelwhenifirstmether.shewasdressedinwhite

andsogentleandcalmassheexaminedme.i’llnever

forgetthat.ifshe’dsaidnoorifcarrickhadsaidno...”

heshrugsandglancesoverhisshoulderatthealarm

clock.“thisisallalittledeepforsoearlyinthemorning,”

hemutters.

“iha一vemadeavowtogettoknowyoubetter.”

“didyounow,misssteele?ithoughtyouwantedto

knowifipreferredcoffeeortea.”hesmirks.“anyway,i

canthinkofonewayyoucangettoknowme.”hepushes

hishipssuggestivelyagainstme.

“ithinkiknowyouquitewellenoughthatway.”my

voiceishaughtyandscolding,anditmakeshimsmilemore

broadly.

“idon’tthinki’llevergettoknowyouwellenough

thatway,”hemurmurs.“therearedefiniteadvantagesto

wakingupbesideyou.”hisvoiceissoftandbonemeltingly

seductive.

“don’tyouha一vetogetup?”myvoiceislowand

husky.jeez,whathedoestome...

“notthismorning.onlyoneplaceiwanttobeupright

now,misssteele.”andhiseyessparklesalaciously.

“christian!”igasp,shocked.heshiftssuddenlysothat

he’sontopofme,pressingmeintothebed.grabbingmy

hands,hepullsthemupabovemyheadandbeginstokiss

mythroat.

“oh,misssteele.”hesmilesagainstmyskin,sending

delicioustinglesthroughme,ashishandtra一velsdownmy

bodyandstartstoslowlyhitchupmysatinnightdress.

“oh,whati’dliketodotoyou,”hemurmurs.

andiamlost,interrogationover.

mrs.jonessetsdownmybreakfastofpancakesand

bacon,andforchristiananomeletandbacon.wesitside

bysideatthebarinacomfortablesilence.

“whenamigoingtomeetyourtrainer,claude,and

puthimthroughhispaces?”iask.christianglancesdown

atme,grinning.

“dependsifyouwanttogotonewyorkthis

weekendornot—unlessyou’dliketoseehimearlyone

morningthisweek.i’llaskandreatocheckonhis

scheduleandcomebacktoyou.”

“andrea?”

“mypa.”

ohyes.“oneofyourmanyblondes,”iteasehim.

“she’snotmine.sheworksforme.you’remine.”

“iworkforyou,”imuttersourly.

hegrinsasifhe’sforgotten.“soyoudo.”hisbeaming

smileisinfectious.

“maybeclaudecanteachmetokickbox,”iwarn.

“ohyeah?fancyyourchancesagainstme?”christian

raisesaneyebrow,amused.“bringiton,misssteele.”he

issodamnedhappycomparedtoyesterday’sfoulmood

afterelenaleft.it’stotallydisarming.maybeit’sallthe

sex...perhapsthat’swhat’smakinghimsobuoyant.

iglancebehindmeatthepiano,sa一voringthememory

oflastnight.“youputthelidofthepianobackup.”

“icloseditlastnightsoasnottodisturbyou.guessit

didn’twork,buti’mgladitdidn’t.”christian’slipstwitch

intoalascivioussmileashetakesabiteofomelet.igo

crimsonandsmirkbackathim.

ohyes...funtimesonthepiano.

mrs.jonesleansoverandplacesapaperbag

containingmylunchinfrontofme,makingmeflushguiltily.

“forlater,ana.tunaokay?”

“ohyes.thankyou,mrs.jones.”igiveherashy

smile,whichshereciprocateswarmlybeforelea一vingthe

greatroom.isuspectit’stogiveussomeprivacy.

“caniaskyousomething?”iturnbacktochristian.

hisamusedexpressionslips.“ofcourse.”

“andyouwon’tbeangry?”

“isitaboutelena?”

“no.”

“theniwon’tbeangry.”

“butinowha一veasupplementaryquestion.”

“oh?”

“whichisabouther.”

herollshiseyes.“what?”hesays,andnowhe’s

exasperated.

“whydoyougetsomadwheniaskyouabouther?”

“honestly?”

iscowlathim.“ithoughtyouwerealwayshonestwith

me.”

“iendea一vortobe.”